3/24/11

The Majak Mixtape - Mix That! Mix That!

Greetings and salutations Mixtapers! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you WICCAN REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it never wants to be the same again.

It's Thursday and you know what that means. Besides being the thirstiest day of the week, it also means it's time for another fine, fresh, fierce, got those other blogs on lock installment of THROWBACK THURSDAY, the one day a week we'll give you a pass on wearing acid-wash denim jackets WITHOUT irony.

The past few weeks we've served NOSTALGIC REALNESS with the likes of classic 1990s teen comedies like "Clueless" and "She's All That" as well as looked back with sarcasm at the bliss that was MTV's "Daria." This week we're firing up our Delorean that we bought from Christopher Lloyd's garage to take us back the late 1980s to celebrate one of our all-time favorite films that used to be relentlessly played on television when we were growing up. Only in the 1980s could a film that included witchcraft, voodoo, rapping teens, naked ambition to become popular and give it a total sheen of wonderful wholesomeness as long as a moral lesson was learned at the end. But before we get to that bubbling cauldron of nostalgic goodness, we got a kettle just ready to overflow. So let us do what we do best and:


 
In our first cup of tea, Elizabeth Taylor hasn't even been buried yet and people are trying to walk all over her as those lovely folks at the Westboro Baptist Church have made plans to protest at the Hollywood legend's funeral for a myriad reasons including what they call her "enabling" of gays due to her HIV/AIDS work as well as the chief reason that the Church consists of total pricks. Try winning that slander lawsuit ASSHATS.

The Westboro Baptist Church will show up to any funeral to protest, for the flimsiest of reasons, just to get press. They are like if you took pseudo Hollywood actress Bai Ling and her tendency to show up to every Hollywood movie premiere and made it really toolish and offensive. You pretty much have nailed down the Westboro Baptist Church's methodology. You hear that Westboro. You're just a red carpet and discount designer dress from being the type of heathen you loathe.

Elsewhere, "Boardwalk Empire" starlet Paz de la Huerta, whose name will  never not sound like some sketchy timeshare property Alan Thicke would try to convince you to buy in one of those late night infomercials on CNBC, got arrested for throwing a glass and punching former "The City" cast member Samantha Swerta. We're not quite sure what hurt Samantha more: the glass leaving pieces of itself in her skin or forever having to go through life having "former 'The City' castmember'" as your main identifier in articles.

In other court news, Lindsay Lohan, probably emboldened by jewelery store Kamofie and Company's total inability not to come off as opportunistic as well a member of Lohan's family, has told the judge in her case that's saying no to any plea agreement that would include jail time according to RadarOnline. While Lindsay has to contend with the fact that prosecutors are going to bring up her habit of allegedly having sticky fingers while the prosecutors have to contend with victims that had no problem selling the surveillance footage for some $30,000. Leave it to a Lohan case to make everybody involved look grossly unprofessional.

And that's the tea for today. Now fluff your hair and continue reading to get your THROWBACK THURSDAY on.

3/23/11

The Majak Mixtape - Mix on a Hot Tin Roof

Happy Wednesday Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you WHITE DIAMONDS REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it's scared of Virginia Woolf. It was announced this morning that Hollywood legend extraordinaire Elizabeth Taylor has died at the age of 79. The winner of two Academy Awards for Best Actress, Elizabeth Taylor transcended being merely a famous actress and truly became an icon of fashion, style, resiliency, and multiple divorces. From famously having an affair with Eddie Fisher to all her work to make AIDS an issue that wouldn't be forgotten, Elizabeth Taylor blazed her own trail across the pop cultural landscape. In honor of Ms. Taylor, we're dedicating today's mixtape to her life, her films, and her many famous misadventures. But before we start serving up some GLAMOUROUS REALNESS, we've got a hot kettle whistling right now. And you mixtapers know what that means:

In our first bit of tea, Chris Brown can now add "charges" to his ever-growing list of things that he has beaten as TMZ reports that the NYPD will not be charging him for anything stemming from his massive freakout at the ABC "Good Morning America" offices because ABC is not trying to pursue pressing charges. As we talked about yesterday, the newly blond Chris Brown got mad when Robin Roberts asked him about if he had seen Rihanna since the restraining order against had recently been dropped. Chris Brown, being the A-plus pupil in his anger management class that he is, decided to handle this situation with all the grace and dignity one can associate with him and promptly went to his dressing room and throw a chair at the window and allegedly broke it. And this wasn't some weak-ass window material either. This is the kind of stuff that's supposed to withstand somebody shooting at it. Anyway, Butthurt Brown will able to relax a little now with the news that ABC won't be pressing charges and other celebs now know they have free reign to tear some shit up if they don't like a question being asked.

According to RadarOnline, Robin Roberts was shocked at Chris Brown's reaction to her questions but also went on to say that he's welcomed back. We have a sneaking suspicion that ABC wants to remodel its studio and feels like Chris Brown flying into a rage is a lot easier than hiring a wrecking crew to knock down some walls.

In other legal news, Michael Lohan is speaking out to RadarOnline about his arrest for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend. Speaking from a hospital room, Lohan told RadarOnline that his girlfriend Kate Major had initially been asked to go to rehab and she said yes yes yes and then backed out of the deal. When he got back home from one of his therapy appointments, Major told him, according to Lohan, that she wanted to go out, but he wanted to get some Blockbuster and stay in. The two allegedly got into some sort of scuffle when Kate Major started checking Michael Lohan's phone.

Lohan, ever the tactful person, dismisses Major's claims that he gave her a fat lip by saying, "She said I gave her a fat lip, she has Restylane in her lips.  I didn’t give her a fat lip." Whether or not he threw punches, Michael Lohan certainly knows how to throw some shade.

In happier but no less bizarre couples news, people are getting irrationally excited for the impending nuptials of Prince William to Kate Middleton. With this fever of anticipation being whipped out, merchandisers have found all sorts of ways to cash in on the wedding but nothing has quite come close in I CAN'T EVEN-ness like being able to buy a refrigerator with a photo of William and Kate on it. We don't mean some tiny photo kind of deal. We mean, a photo that has been airbrushed across both doors of the fridge. Nothing screams, "STIFF UPPER LIP" and "KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON" quite like William and Kate's faces on front of a fridge. We're 90 percent sure that the only people who will be ordering this are going to be horribly misguided Anglophiles in America. The idea of having this in our kitchen is just blech. Just think, every time you want to make a sandwich or get some orange juice, you could get to look at William's receding hairline. Mmmm, yummy.

And that's the tea. Continue to the rest of the post as we salute the stunning, flawless, amazing woman that was Elizabeth Taylor. We'll try to tidy it up for her.

3/22/11

The Majak Mixtape - Tunesday (3/22/11)

Greetings and salutations Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you NEW ALBUM REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it doesn't want to talk to Brooke Burke while waiting for the judges' score. We're back with another edition of Tunesday, our weekly celebration of all the new music releases of the week. We're bursting at the seams with great albums this week as we see the returns of an R and B diva as well as an embattled R and B singer plus the return of some hipster heroes and a band whose song titles were often more creative than their melodies. But before we get to the on-slaught of all the new tunes, let us get to the tea!


Last night was the season 12 premiere of the I CAN'T FEST that is ABC's reality competition juggernaut known as "Dancing With The Stars," the definition of "star" more loose than a Kardashian. This season has brought us another smattering of stars that make you say WHO THE HELL and THEY'RE STILL ALIVE with the likes of "Karate Kid" star Ralph Macchio, "Loveline" co-host with the ridiculously painful sounding name of Mike Catherwood, our girl talk show host Wendy Williams, former kid rap star Romeo and "Fat Actress" Kirstie Alley as well as E! starlet Kendra Wilkinson, football player Hines Ward, boxer Sugar Ray Leonard, model Petra Nemcova, some Disney actress Chelsea Kane.

We've never actually sat through a full episode of this high-stepping trainwreck ever before, and we know we feel like we've missed out on snarking gold with this show. From Brooke Burke's goiter flower dress of doom to professional dancer Lacey Schwimmer's shameful dark roots to Wendy Williams using her hair wig to double has a handkerchief while crying during rehearsals, you simply have to adore the gaudy charm of this whole thing.

Well, as long as you have this damn thing on mute. That backing band? WE CAN'T with that foolishness. Seriously, there isn't one performing arts school in all of Los Angeles that they couldn't use for their backing band? You know some pushy-ass stage parents would be all over having their Little Susie or Johnny Benet Ramsay there to give us some ON PITCH REALNESS because they are desperately serving OUT OF BREATH REALNESS right now. Seriously, when Gwyneth Paltrow can do a better version of "Forget You" than you or Kelly "Destiny's Back-Up Singer" Rowland's "When Love Takes Over" is too vocally challenging for you, you and your tired vocals need to sit down. All the way down.

How this show has become quite the phenom isn't that big of a mystery to us. What's a mystery is that people watch this show in abundance and then wonder why something like Rebecca Black's "Friday" takes off. Really? Their both cut from the same tacky-ass cloth of pop culture desperation.

Anyway, we're totally in for the season just to see how many ways Ralph Macchio can make his hair look like a toupee, how many wigs Wendy Williams will cry through and how often the dried remains that is Hugh Hefner will shuffle out of the Mansion to watch Kendra dance.

In other bits of ABC tea, Chris Brown, who has a new album out this week, has shown off how well those anger management courses have paid off as he broke a window in his dressing room and left in a butthurt tizzy after "Good Morning America" reporter Robin Roberts had the fresh nerve to ask about the Rihanna situation. Chris Brown went out to tweet to his fans: "I'm so over people bringing this past s--- up!!! Yet we praise Charlie Sheen and other celebs for there [sic] bullshit." In Chris Brown's defense, maybe the window asked for it.

Speaking of the Charlie Sheen, when he isn't busily locking lips with Jimmy Kimmel, he's being ordered to have a psych exam in order to have contact with his two children according to reports. Meanwhile, a whole wing at Betty Ford is being constructed for those two kids because with Sheen and Brooke Mueller as your parents, there is little to no doubt that you're royally, two and a half times screwed for basically the rest of your natural life and maybe even in the hereafter.

Backflip your way into the rest of the post and keep reading about Tunesday!



3/21/11

The Majak Mixtape - Live on Tape (3/21-3/25)


Happy Monday Mixtapers. Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you start of the week realness better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it calls in sick from work. Today we're bringing another edition of the "Live On Tape," our guide to where you can find some hot musical acts on TV this week. But before we get to the musical acts, let us get to the tea!



In the first bit of tea, former Fugees member and brief wannabe Haitian presidential candidate Wyclef Jean can now add "gun violence victim" to his resume as he was shot over the weekend while in Haiti.. According to his publicist, it was a superficial wound to his hand. Ever the helpful victim, Jean has reportedly refused to cooperate with the police into the investigation into his own shooting. You have to hand it to Wyclef. He's already withdrawn his bid to run for President, but he's still on the campaign trail, trying to get the vote from even people who shoot him. That's commitment folks.

First Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene split, now Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger? Those beard contracts must all be expiring at the same time. TOTALLY KIDDING COOPER LEGAL TEAM. According to US Magazine, Bradley and Renee have split just shy of being together for two years. The duo met on the set of the film "Case 39," their relationship roughly lasting as long as it took for that shitfest to be released to theaters.

In other news, TMZ has learned that Britney Spears' people are making sure that her back-up dancers are only high on jazz hands when working on her music videos. Under the contract, dancers may have to submit to random drug tests and can be fired for failing or refusing to take one. Lord knows we wouldn't want Britney's current brilliant array of hand dancing and hair flipping moves to be dulled in the least by the power of illicit chemicals.

And that my Mixtapers is the tea! Continue reading to get your talk show on! If you don't . . .