This week Walmart found itself making headlines not for its famous low prices but for its infamous low wages for its workers. This was highlight by a store in Ohio actually setting up food donations at its Walmart location for its employees. Other than the fact that people were probably purchasing food from that particular Walmart to give to the employees and therefore Walmart is amazingly profiting from its own terrible work conditions, we began to think about the incredibly brief period of time we were employed at the store because bow ties don’t pay for themselves. So here is a little story, filled with snark and gifs, we’re calling:
How we came to be employed at Walmart was pretty simple. Freelance reporting doesn’t pay the bar tabs so we looked for some extra work. It was a fairly quick process of applying online, interviewing and taking a drug test.
Training day arrived, and we were all shuffled into a training room to watch a large stack of DVDs all about being a worker at Walmart. The DVD that caught our attention most was a glorious one about the joys of working at Walmart and the evils of unions. Fear mongering at its finest, the video detailed how unions were completely unnecessary at Walmart due to their Open Door Policy that allowed employees to take their complaints to any supervisor, not just their own.
The funniest image was a fleet of Walmart semis driving through some rural town, with people frantically waving hello with total glee as the voiceover person talked about what a wonderful family Walmart was and how it treated everybody fairly. It was a beautiful sentiment until I remembered that was the same sales pitch Jonestown made.
After the video we played a board game, ironically modeled after Monopoly, and had discussion with some of the higher ups. This was when we were informed that every morning there was a morning rally. A morning rally that involved cheering. And employees giving each other a shoulder rub before the start of the work day.
Number One: We do not cheer unless its during a “Bring It On” marathon.
Number Two: Unless we’re at a spa retreat, do not need a shoulder rub.
And just like that, at our lunch break, my employment at Walmart was over before it ever really began as we told a kindly old woman that we were probably not the best fit for the place. She, in return, told us that nobody is at first. How comforting.
We soon got a job at another retail store, our desire to work there solely based on wanting an employee discount. And while everything had a more upscale sheen to it, the moment we sat down for our training, we were transported back to Walmart as a DVD played and talked about how unions were not necessary at all. We're all a big corporate family here to support each other. We leaned back in our chair, took a deep breath and could only muster one thing to say: "Kum-ba-fucking-ya."
Get that turkey off your head and continue reading the Mixtape as we get pop cultured, take on some male celebrity angst, and throw another political partaaaaaay.
Hello to all our Turkey Lurkey Trollops and welcome to another edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it’s trying not to be dropped by its health insurance provider. Next week is Thanksgiving, a time for people giving thanks for all the wonderful things they have in their life. This is directly followed by Black Friday, an equally magical time when people shank others who are in their way of all those severely discounted wonderful things they’ll be thankful for next year. But before we get to carving people or cutting bitches, it’s time to press play on another Mixtape and get:
Is there anything more consistent than Alec Baldwin yelling at somebody? It’s like North Star but with fluctuating weight problems and rampant anger issues. This week saw the former “30 Rock” star embroiled in a scandal after allegedly hurling a homophobic slur at a paparazzo trying to snap photos of Baldwin and his family. Depending on who you ask, Baldwin either called the photographer a “cocksucking faggot” or a “cocksucking fathead.”
When reached for comment, The Fatheads said they wanted nothing to do with Baldwin’s foul language.
|"Alec, please save the anger for whoever convinced you to do Rock of Ages."|
When asked about the incident, Baldwin claimed he didn’t know that “cocksucking” could be construed as a homophobic remark. Well sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes that’s what you put on your “hobbies and interests” section on your Christian Mingle profile.
Anyway, Baldwin’s daughter Ireland took to her Twitter to defend her father and so did Baldwin’s gay hairstylist
Auntie Tom Nick Berros told TMZ Live that Baldwin was probably just angry and that the yelling of the slur hasn’t put a damper on his love for Baldwin. In fact, he and his friends love him even more because of all the drama, proving that Jenna Maroney was absolutely correct.
That’s right folks. To the shock of literally no one, the people who are related and/or are financially dependent on Alec Baldwin are beside him.
One person who ain’t got time for Baldwin? Anderson Cooper. Cooper put Baldwin on blast for his use of the slur, which prompted Baldwin to reply on Twitter with the following:
“If I had Anderson’s paycheck and sorry ratings, I might be fast and loose with the truth, as well.”
“Are you drunk? You’re kind of embarrassing yourself. I wish you well.”
Don’t come for Cooper’s silver wig, Baldwin. He’s covered wars, Hurricane Katrina and survived hosting New Year’s Eve with Kathy Griffin so he doesn’t have time for your shit.
In honor of Baldwin’s situation and whether or not he’ll learn from it, our first song on this Mixtape is “Time Will Tell” from Blood Orange’s new album “Cupid Deluxe.”
Aaron’s party is apparently over after Aaron Carter filed for bankruptcy recently. Somewhere Hilary Duff is cackling about how she’s the only one who came out of the Carter/Duff/Lindsay Lohan love triangle with her finances and sobriety intact.
|"Personal pass" is Disney Channel code for coke. Obviously.|
And finally, Sean Penn flipped out on a guy trying to take a photo of him while at a hotel. He probably should’ve freaked out on the person who just made bank by selling the video of said freak out to TMZ.
Jay Leno is being sued for defamation by a woman after he joked about news story that reported the woman had been smuggling a pet rat in her underwear/pantyhose. In the lawsuit, the woman alleges her husband now suffers from “severe sexual dysfunction” because every time [her husband] looks at her he thinks of Defendant Leno and the heinous segment depicting her as a sexual deviant.”
|Jay Leno: Destroying Conan O'Brien's Dreams and Copulation Since 1992.|
In honor of this case, our next song is Katy B’s new tune “Crying For No Reason.”
Speaking of new music, Kanye West put out a new music video featuring Kim Kardashian riding a motorcycle like it was related to Brandy.
In other new music video news, Katy Perry has released a video for new single “Unconditionally.”
|Obviously this is symbolism of what happens when Katy Perry and the right key for "Roar" meet each other.|
Up first, Joe Boxers getting their holiday on in a new Kmart ad.
"Teacher says every time a male model jingles his bells, a drag queen gets her wig."
The ad has stirred up controversy because some view it as vulgar. You want vulgar? Listen to the Victoria’s Secret models
warble miserably joyfully sing “Deck the Halls.”
And we end bring this mixtape to a close with a:
A vote on whether or not to allow the sale of alcohol divided the Utah town of Hyde Park. The measure was past with a margin of 2-1 in favor of the measure. When asked why they had decided to vote in favor of the measure, all Hyde Park residents could say was, "I'M SO FUCKING WASTED ON THIS SMIRNOFF ICE."
In Texas, a young conservatives organization got in trouble for planning a "catch an illegal immigrant" game. The game would involve students dressed in a sweatshirt with the word "illegal immigrant" on it. Any student who "caught" the illegal and brought them back to the student union would receive a $25 gift card. Aw, racism, the gift that keeps on giving. The controversy has mostly liked put a kibosh on their next event, Trayvon Martin Tag.
And lastly, we like to take time to salute the one year anniversary of the single greatest movie we've seen in years in:
Yes dahlings, the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend marks the one year anniversary of the Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton
shitfest Lifetime movie "Liz and Dick," starring Lindsay Lohan and that guy who used to sleep with Vanessa Williams on "Ugly Betty."
What it lacked in good acting, a tight script, nice setting, decent costuming or basically any sort of redeemable value, it more than made it up with the sheer lulz. Below, some of the greatest moments from "Liz and Dick."
Lindsay Lohan's accent comes and goes with such hilarious regularity we just assume that Anne Hathaway must have given her lessons. As hyped as the movie was, it was pretty much completely ignored when it first aired last year. Now available on DVD, we say that you should get some of your friends over, eat some Thanksgiving leftovers and indulge in one of the juiciest turkeys ever created.
In honor of this, our last song of this Mixtape is "Together" by Sam Smith, Nile Rodgers and a slew of other folks.
And with that, we end another Mixtape. We're taking next weekend off but we'll be back Dec. 6 with an all-new Majak Mixtape! And as always, remember: