The Majak Mixtape: The Majak Mixtape

What is the what what, y'all. Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, starting the new year off better than your stank favorite edition of the "Majak Mixtape," where pop culture comes to get its soundtrack.

Oh New Year's Eve, that time of year where spending 12 hours in a bar is not considered a cry for help but just being really committed to the holiday. Here at the Majak Mixtape, we came, we saw, we popped some bottles in honor of saying GTFO out to 2010

and HOW YOU DOIN' to 2011.

Being out in the bars, we missed most of the TV celebrations of ringing in the New Year but caught up with them through the magic of Hulu. And lord, what a bunch of basic-ass ways to ring in the New Year there were. You had the Fox Network and the human turn-and-pivot wax figure that is Nancy O'Dell pretending that the presence of David Archuleta would draw people in while NBC inexplicably still allowed Carson Daly to host anything. Over on ABC, Jenny McCarthy must have bribed a whole lot of people in order to get herself a hosting gig along with Is-There-Any-Job-He-Will-Turn-Down Ryan Seacrest for Dick Clark's Rockin New Year's Eve. Over on CNN, Kathy Griffin managed to make it into 2011 without telling a heckler she doesn't go to their job and slap the dicks of their mouth, which is sort of disappointing. And over on Bravo, himbo extraordinaire Andy Cohen made out with one of Real Housewives of Orange County, further cementing his homosexuality in the process.

We have to give credit to 2011. We're barely into the year, and we're already got a lot of tea to be spilled at the moment. New Year's Day found the launch of Oprah's network OWN, and the show line-ups are filled with potentially wonderful trainwrecks of programs. You have Ryan O'Neal and Tatum O'Neal trying to reconnect with one another, an idea that must have been hatched when they were in neighboring holding cells. You have Wynonna and Naomi Judd flogging their dysfunctional relationship for seriously the umpteenth time by doing a reality show about them being on tour while Ashley Judd is busily doing, well, we don't exactly know what she does anymore.

Then you have Shania Twain doing a show called "Why Not," where she travels around the country to talk to people who have gone through hardships in effort to make herself feel better in her castle in Sweden since her husband Mutt Lange cheated on her. Which really Oprah? You loved "Eat, Pray, Love" so much you decided to basically have the recently remarried Twain, to the ex-husband of the woman who her husband cheated on her with no less, basically star in a United States-based version of it. But whatever, we're enjoying the idea that Ms. Twain will be making a return to the country world and hopefully slapping the squint out of Taylor Swift with a new album.

And while we're busily watching Oprah debut her network, most of the people in the state of Wisconsin were busily watching the Badgers lose in the Rose Bowl if our Facebook newsfeed functions as a decent straw poll of things. While we're not huge followers of football unless it involves alleged peen pics (LOOKING AT YOU RECENTLY RETIRED FOR THE THIRD TIME BRETT FAVRE), we do appreciate the sadness of Badger fans at the team's loss. Also we appreciate the fact that this gives a chance to pad this post with a bunch of songs with some version of "Rose" in it.

Monica makes Donny Hathaway roll in his grave when she takes his classic "The Makings of You" to turn into a love song about how a dude reminds her of her Gucci shoes. Why's that? Is he always underfoot? Is he a knock-off you found in a back alley in West Hollywood? Please explain the simile, gurl.

Next up, Kanye West brings together an old Bill Withers sample and the shout-singing of Patti Labelle for his song "Roses" off of his "Late Registration" album.

And lastly, Magnetic Fields and their song "Plain White Roses."

While the Badgers were losing, David Arquette was proving their must be some sort of cosmic ONE CELEB/ONE CELEB OUT rule when it comes to rehab. With news of Lindsay Lohan getting out of the Betty Ford Clinic today, you just knew somebody was going to have to take her place. In comes David Arquette, as he allegedly checked himself in to rehab according to reports. To be honest, we were counting down the days to this ever since Arquette called up Howard Stern and put all of his business of his separation from Courtney Cox out across satellite radio.

And while LINNOCENT LOHAN was busily using Wikiquotes to find Ghandi words of wisdom to post on her Twitter, David Arquette is apparently seeking help for both alcohol AND a broken heart. Thus, he answered that age old question of "Where do broken hearts go." They apparently go to a bar. And then to a rehab facility of their or their publicist's choosing.

Elsewhere, this was not a good time to be an old person as Chuck Berry collapsed on stage during a concert in Chicago while Zsa Zsa Gabor was being rushed to the hospital for a leg amputation. These brushes with serious medical issues probably had both of these stars thinking about "Yesterday When I was Young."