Gleecap - The Human Glee-ague

Happy Wednesday Gleeks, we're here for another stunning, flawless, amazing, tipping back red cups better than your favorite edition of "Gleecap!" Last week on "Glee," the show was alive with the sound of Justin Bieber as Sam tried to woo Quinn with the Justin Bieber catalogue, which worked as well as you think. Elsewhere, Sue decided to join the Glee club because wacky shenanigans is her stock in trade. After singing a few tunes and dealing with some cancer kids, Sue decided to get a job coaching Aural Intensity. Elsewhere, Rachel decided to get some of her mojo back by deciding to pen a tune to help win the competition. Finn thought this was such a great idea that he decided to tell her so. In private. After everybody shouted and yelled at how stupid it was. Because that's the awesome, stand-up dude that Finn is.

Anyway, before we get to the Glee, let's spill us some tea!

In some "Glee"-related tea, "Glee" star Ashley Fink who plays Lauren on the show has responded to critiques about her appearance. In an interview with The Advocate, Fink tackles recent remarks made by Rosie as Rosie talked about how she heard from a lot of bigger women that they wished they had cast a "heavy pretty girl" in the role of Lauren instead of Ashley Fink. Rosie, for her part, seemed fairly complimentary of the actress when she was interviewed. Through the magic of the internet and whatnot, the story was contorted into Rosie herself talking smack about Ashley, leading her to say that she thought it was strange what Rosie said and how Rosie had always been very supportive. We especially appreciated the shade that Ashley slung at Rosie when she said in the interview, "Then she was on Access Hollywood, promoting a new hairstyle or something, and for some reason she decided to talk about me again." It's nice to see that Lauren can throw Santana around like a ragdoll as well as throw some shade.

In our favorite bit of REALLY? gossip news, Melissa Leo of "The Fighter" has pretty much fucked up her chances for getting an Oscar according to inside sources. The star, who recently won a Golden Globe for her role, decided to aggressively campaign this year with a serious of print ads with herself swathed in fur and standing beside a pool as well as this beauty:

Oh desperation, the one thing you can't Photoshop out of a picture no matter how hard you try. Initially Ms. Leo had been all aboard for this stunt to get her attention, THAT SHE DIDN'T NEED TO DO AT ALL, but now has backtracked away from the campaign, saying in an interview with The Daily Beast, "I've been busting my ass, trying to get the movie sold and seen, and now I show up where they ask, get put into hair and makeup that they pay for, so I can promote this thing [and campaign]. So I'm a little confused. I thought this is what we're doing. This is what all the girls are doing."

Melissa Leo is also still bitching at having to play Mark Wahlberg's mother, seeing as she is only 11 years older than him. Tell it to Anne Bancroft, Melissa. She had to play a predatory cougar old enough to have a college-age daughter for Dustin Hoffman to romance and was only SIX years older than Dustin.

This whole thing is especially funny to us, this aggressive campaigning for the the Oscar, coming on the heels of how Mo'Nique famously won her Oscar for "Precious" without campaigning at all for it. But maybe the Academy is just a REALLY big fan of "The Parkers"?

Anyway, that's the tea. Let's get to the Glee!

Oh "Glee," let us raise a glass or ten to this episode as the characters are finally as intoxicated as the people who put this show together.

 We kick off the episode with Mr. Schue, arriving in a dashing scarf no less, to talk to Principal Figgins about the rash of teen underage drinking happening at McKinley High School as demonstrated by a drunk fat kid shrieking through the glass at Figgins. Isn't it amazing how things just happen that way. Anyway, Figgins has decided to institute an alcohol awareness week at the school that will be capped off by a performance by the Glee club because the club hasn't found enough ways to completely ostracize themselves from the greater McKinley High School.

We flit over to the teacher's lounge to find Emma, where Will gives Emma a present for her and Dentist Carl for their upcoming purchase of a home. Emma, forever in guidance counselor mode but shamefully devoid of her endlessly hilarious pamphlets of wisdom, asks about his life. Unfortunately for Will, Sue is also in the teacher's lounge, seeing as solely coaching cheerleaders and destroying the Glee club allows for a lot of down time, and she promptly details all of Mr. Schue's failures in life while furthering rubbing in the little detail of coaching Aural Intensity. It's a gig that she got through her usual amount of pluck, charm and talent. And by that, we mean assault with a deadly staircase because as this show consistently has taught us this season: violence is only bad when it's against Kurt. Everywhere else, HILARITY.

You know, we're no longer even going to get mad at Sue's behavior and pattern of assaulting people and getting away with it. This show is pretty much a live action cartoon at this point with Sue being the Misfits, the Glee club being Jem and the Holograms and Mr. Schue being a vest wearing Synergy with boundary issues.

Anyway, we cut to Rachel and Finn meeting in the Glee choir room because nobody actually attends class on this show, a lovely staple of all teen programs. Rachel, after deflecting the party advances of Puck who has heard she has the house to herself, decides to launch into ode she's written for the Regionals competition. The song is about her headband. Somewhere Blair Waldorf is raging that she never penned that tune.

Rachel decides, after some urging from Finn because no girl can ever come to any sort of life decision without the urging of a male on this program, that maybe it's time for her to get some life experience before penning a tune. If this show wasn't so obsessed with doing bad covers of already shitty Top 40 tunes, this would be the precise moment where Rachel Berry would launch into a magical version of "I've Got a Lot of Living to Do" from "Bye Bye Birdie."

Anyway the news spreads that Rachel is having a party so the gang decides to head over there. It is, at least initially, as awful as you'd imagine a Rachel Berry party to be as she prances around in the same flowing dress we're pretty sure Syliva wore when she was raped by the mime on "Little House on the Prairie" while doling out wine coolers like this is 1988 Bartles and James commercial.

Anyway, Puck breaks into the stash of booze that Rachel's two dads keep and naturally the party gets started. Rachel, being THAT drunk girl, immediately latches onto Finn, who enlightens her in all of the various stereotypes of drunk girls. Rachel, being the girl who likes to drink to not feel feelings for Finn, launches into a game of Spin the Bottle. Sadly, even in a game of Spin the Bottle, Mercedes can't find love because she's both fat AND Black. Can't be both on this show and get somebody into your pants this season as they completely dropped the football player guy having the hots for her back when Kurt was still attending McKinley.

Anyway, Rachel gets to make out with Blaine and then sing Human League's "Don't You Want Me Baby" while Kurt scornfully looks on.

Apparently that didn't stop Blaine and Kurt from ending up at the Hummel home, much to the shock of Daddy Hummel who just wanted to learn about brunch. Poor man.

Anyway, the kids are back at school and totally are hungover STILL days later, which we call shenanigans with since we remember our drinking days in high school and our near super human strength to be able to bounce back from that shit. Artie, always been the helpful one, decides to bring Bloody Marys to school since suddenly everybody is a lush now? Maybe? Anyway, finding themselves newly intoxicated, the group puts on a performance of "Blame It (On the Alcohol)" that consists of a lot of red lighting and periodic cuts to Sam sitting in a spinning booth.

Over in the land of the Kurt and Blaine show within a show, Blaine is questioning his sexuality based on his drunk kiss with one Rachel Berry. Yep, that's right, Blaine thinks he might be bisexual. Of course, this being "Glee" this is probably a one-episode only issue that will almost never be spoken of again until a writer suddenly remembers sometime mid-way next season. Or they could continue it on the next episode. YOU NEVER KNOW with this show.

Anyway, in one short scene, everybody pretty much gets to made an asshole like any good teen love triangle as Rachel Berry goes after the crush of her friend Kurt, Blaine sees nothing wrong with going on a date with Kurt's friend and Kurt single-handedly sparks a huge letter writing campaign by bisexuals as he slings five kinds of biphobia because he doesn't believe bisexuality exists. Maybe you leave out some milk and cookies for it, it'll show up. Maybe? Plus we love how just one party has made Rachel go from teetotaler to total alcoholic on this show.

Elsewhere, Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue go out to get drunk during a weekday I guess. The timeline on this episode is especially jank so we're just going to stop concentrating on it. Anyway, they go to some roadhouse that Beiste likes to frequent, which leads to a very drunk!Will getting up to sing a song after riding a bull.

Over in the land of Rachel Berry, she has returned from her date with Blaine, leading Kurt to come over to help clean up her party that happened DAYS AGO on this show. For as worried as she was about having this party, we highly doubt it would've taken her this long to get around to it.

Anyway, Kurt pretty much gets all pissy pants about the date between Blaine and Rachel. We sort of adore that Kurt, who's only made out with one guy and that was the dude who has threatened to kill him, suddenly has this vast reserve of life experiences to deal with. Granted, if this show was better, they could've at least thrown in the mention about how Mercedes had been in love with Kurt during season one and went batshit crazy on his truck, but that would be CONTINUITY and that's a big ass No-No.

Speaking of big ass NO NOs, Drunk!Will gets dropped off at his house and decides to drunk dial somebody. And this being the Glee-verse, the next morning Will doesn't, you know, LOOK AT HIS OUTGOING CALL list but instead has an awkward interaction with Emma since he figures she's the person he called. If you don't see who he called plot point coming, you're as delusional as Kurt in an argument with his father.

Kurt and Daddy Hummel, in the midst of making a souffle, have a discussion about Blaine and his wandeirng sexual orientation. Daddy Hummel, for his part, wants it clear that he'd like a heads up the next Kurt wants to have Blaine sleeping over as Daddy Hummel already knows of Kurt's feelings for him and whatnot. Being the sane, rational, level-headed young man that Kurt is, he immediately cries homophobia at Daddy Hummel.  WE CAN'T with this scene as Kurt comes up with the beyond reaching comparison between him inviting Blaine over and if Finn invited Puck over. Daddy Hummel correctly says that that is a totally different situation and that you'd never allow Finn to have some girl sleeping over. And Kurt, being completely and utterly tone deaf to all things that are not going his way to the point we're hoping for somebody to slushie him IN THIS SCENE, gets into a snit and goes storming out of the kitchen. Hopefully to be pushed into a locker. See what you've done to us Porcelain!

Anyway, the Glee club decides to Ke$ha, a rare bit of continuity as Brittany had demanded to sing Ke$ha way back during the Britney Spears episode.

Heather Morris, the Glee club, and Autotune all get a work out on the dancefloor until Brittany, drunk off of a special concoction made by Alkie Rachel, decides to puke. We're not quite sure if you should blame it on the alcohol or the shitty song choice. And minus ten cool points for their not being glitter in the puke. Wasted opportunity for that joke.

We come to the end of the episode, where Sue reveals, TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE WHO HAS EVER WATCHED A TV SHOW, that she was the person that Mr. Schue drunk dialed. We cut over to Figgins meeting with the Glee club to congratulate them on their performances and their special effects with the puking because he is a moron who believed last season that vampires exist so at least somebody is getting consistent characterization on this dog and pony show.

Anyway, we come to the Glee club sitting in their choir room with Mr. Schue delivering a big moral lesson about the dangers of drinking and how he's not going to be drinking anymore. Of course he isn't because there is only no alcohol or Charlie Sheen lost weekend style drinking in the world of "Glee." Anyway, he hands out pledge cards to kids to make sure they don't drink until after Nationals. And if they fall off the wagon, he has put his cellphone number on the form so they can call him and get a ride home for him because nothing says SOUND JUDGEMENT like a high school teacher picking up a drunk teenager from a party. No one will ever have a problem or misread this scenario. Ever. Not even once.

Kurt and Rachel sit at the coffee place so Rachel can plant another kiss on Blaine to see if they still have sparks while sober. She sweeps in, makes out with him and Blaine suddenly realizes that he's strictly dickly. An abrupt story resolution to a potentially interesting storyline on "Glee"? How shocking. Anyway, instead of being humiliated, Rachel embraces the moment and decides to run off and start writing more tunes as she has now experienced a little more of life.

Ugh, this episode. We wanted to really love this episode since we've been wanting a Glee party forever and a day but shame on the promo department for giving away all the fun of the party in the promos. And as always, "Glee" manages to handle complicated issues with the finesse of a village idiot as bisexuality and teen drinking are reduced to completely black and white issues. Look at that, another bit of consistency on the part of the writers.

Anyway, in two weeks, the Glee people will be back. And so will we. In the mean time, we about to pop some bottles and get our mimosas on this morning. As always we wish you love, peace and downloads! BRING ON THE GAY MEN'S CHORUS OF LOS ANGELES DOING "PROUD MARY"!