The Majak Mixtape: The Majak Mixtape - This Little Mixtape Went to Market

Greetings and salutations Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you PAPER OR PLASTIC REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it has ten items or less. Never fear Mixtapers. We are not devoting this whole Mixtape as some sort of grand musical ode to the power, magic and beauty of extreme couponing.

(Sidenote: Have you seen the ads for that TLC show about extreme couponing that starts this week? What in the actual fuck. You know, we get it. TLC has long ago given up any semblance of wanting to be The Learning Channel the moment it put Kate's spiked hair of shrew rage and Jon's bloat of Ed Hardy douche-ness all over its TV programming. WE GET IT.

And part of us is surprised that, so far, the extreme couponing show is devoid of women who didn't know they were preggers, little people who are trying to take on the world, families of millions offspring or sister wives so we sort of give the network credit for breaking out of its norm in that regard. But after watching a couple previews, we've come away with one little question: how hasn't one of these couponers (TOTALLY A WORD) been severely beaten up by one of the cashiers? Like there have been plenty of times when we've gone through the checkout line, and we can see the physical pain cross over the face of a cashier at the mere thought of having to scan more than like three items so we just can't imagine the rage that must sort of flow through their veins when one of those couponers (Again, TOTALLY A WORD) come breezing through with their carts piled almost as high as their coupons.)

We're turning our attention to the end of an era as Quillin's grocery stores cease to be in La Crosse as both the Quillin's in the Village Shopping Center and the Quillin's on Mormon Coulee Road will be closing their doors this evening to make way for Festival Foods. We can already hear the "YOU'RE DEVOTING A MIXTAPE TO A GROCERY STORE? REALLY?" echoes from across the Internet, but yeah, we totally are because Quillin's was an institution in this town for years and years before Festival Foods came and snatched its hairnet. Plus, we have fond memories of being at Central High School, running over to get some donuts and standing with our friends, smoking our cigarettes like the Pink Ladies that we were.

In honor of the end of Quillin's in La Crosse, we here at the Majak Mixtape have decided to launch our own grocery store. It's amazing how much spare income you can have when you help Nigerian princes funnel money out of their homeland.

But before we get to the groceries, let us:

First up, Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option Show" tour was both torpedoed and defeated by his initial audience in its opening weekend as people came to the truly shocking revelation that watching a man with clear mental issues is not nearly as entertaining as it sounds.

Sheen first brought his show to Detroit on Saturday, we assume to make Detroit's declining car industry look less tragic in comparison. Anyway, Sheen's show, which is a mix of audience Q-and-A, assorted interview clips and grounds for commitment, was mostly panned by the audience who, for reasons completely unknown to us here at the Mixtape, thought shelling out 50 to 80 dollars for Charlie Sheen was a great use of funds. Seriously folks, if you wanted to watch an alcoholic ramble on about nothing for a long period of time, you don't need to pay money to see Charlie Sheen. You get the same show for free at bar close anywhere in America.

According to TMZ, the show had a far better second night when Charlie Sheen took the show to Chicago as something resembling a structure seemed to magically appear.

In other news, Miley Cyrus is less than pleased that a sex doll in her likeness is on the market. Man, those people at Disney will do ANYTHING to get cash out of the "Hannah Montana" franchise, won't they? According to a report in the British tabloid The Sun, Miley is contemplating suing a company that had the fantastic good taste to put out a sex doll of the "Can't Be Tamed" singer titled "Finally Miley" and that has the tagline on the box, we are seriously not making this up at all, "3 Achey Love Holes." That feeling? That's your skin crawling at all of this. Miley joins an elite group of female stars like Kim Kardashian, Lady GaGa and Beyonce, who have all had sex dolls made of them. We're 90 percent sure that a Kim Kardashian sex doll and the real Kim Kardashian are made out of the same material at this point, but the sex doll probably has less give.

Elsewhere, we guess there was the Country Music Awards. We don't know since we don't really groove on the country music for the most part except for that one song that is all about getting drunk and needing somebody now. We love that song since we live that song pretty much every Thursday through Saturday. AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL REALNESS. Anyway, apparently Taylor Swift walked away with the Entertainer of the Year Award from the ceremony while Miranda Lambert snatched up the Female Vocalist of the Year Award. One of these awards is voted by the fans. We'll let you ponder which one it is. (Hint: it's the one with the word VOCALIST in it).

You know, we've made peace with Taylor Swift's squinty-eyed existence. We've occasionally sung along to "Mine" when it plays at our work. Also, we love the idea that every Taylor Swift album is essentially an issue of US Weekly put to song. But the idea that Taylor Swift is a country artist simply a fiddle may accidentally end up in the background of one of her tunes is beyond laughable. Taylor Swift is pretty much a pop artist at this point who will only make a return to full-blown country music after she does an ill-advised R and B album and has to go back to her roots. Mark it down.

In terms of performances, Carrie Underwood and Steven Tyler did a duet while Rihanna took five seconds out of her day to not talk about how much she enjoys rough sex to sing a duet with Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland to do a duet of Rihanna's newest single "California King Bed." Because the Country Music Awards is completely Rihanna's target audience? Maybe.

Anyway, that's the tea for today! Now get your shopping list in order and fix that hair before you leave the house as we take you to the Majak Market for some grocery shopping!

Welcome to The Majak Market! Oh yeah, we totally own our grocery store now on top of having our own laboratory. At The Majak Market, we pride ourselves on having the best meat and the sweetest fruit you've ever put in your mouth. So feel free to grab a cart or a basket and make your way through our store.

Let us start off with our lovely produce department. We've got sweet berries, fresh lettuce and some big cucumbers all for the taking.

Nothing like some freshly squeeze orange juice in the morning to go along with your breakfast cereal. Or, more importantly, to be paired with some champagne.

If you don't groove on the oranges, we also have a wide selection of apples for you to sink your teeth into.

And while some may be able to live on fruits and veggies alone, we are not one of those people so let us take our cart and our shopping list over to the meat department. We pride ourselves at the Majak Market at having some of the best meat in the Tri-State area. Feel free to ask any one of our butchers to show you any of our choice cuts of meat as they are experts at knowing which meat you'll like the best.

In honor of the meat department, we have Belle and Sebastian's tune "Meat and Potatoes."

As well as the Fats Waller classic "All that Meat and no Potatoes."

As much as we'd just love to spend all of our time in the meat department, we've got company coming over and have plenty of things to still grab on our shopping list. We've got to buy some "Milk and Cereal," G.Love and Special Sauce style.

Ooh and we're going to have a barbecue this coming weekend so that means we need to grab ourselves a few cans of "Pork and Beans" to go with the ribs we're being put of making.

We pause momentarily to get some a full chicken so we can make ourselves some "Chicken Soup With Rice."

We're hosting Maggie Griffin at our humble abode so that means we need to stock up on the box wine.

We tried to resist it. We really did. But there is something about the smell of freshly baked pastry goods that is just intoxicating. It's probably because we haven't met a carb we didn't fall in love with.