Clef Notes: A Cow Shit Show

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Last week we were introduced to GRS, La Crosse's very own adult show choir, and their fearless leaders Rob and Tim. It was auditions time and the GRS people were a bundle of script-mandated nerves. Who would be out? What would a new GRS look like? How many times can Marcia screw up the choreography? So many thought-provoking questions.

This week: it's a meeting of the old and the new GRS as they work towards their first performance as a new group. Let the tears flows and the hands jazz, dahlings.

Microsoft Painting the house down.

We begin this episode, after a brief opening tag involving a nonsensical dance-off between Honey Bon Jovi and Marcia, with Rob talking excitedly to the camera about how he feels the current crop of performers in GRS will bring the group to a new nadir pinnacle of success. The entire time he’s yammering, the camera slowly drifts back and forth between his talking and a hilariously bemused face on Tim’s face. Normally we’d say he was waiting to say something, but Tim, more than anyone else, knows that there is pretty much a snowball’s chance in hell on that regard. Instead, we think he’s probably silently wondering how he and Rob have somehow become the show choir equivalent of Penn and Teller.

We cut to the GRS rehearsal space where the performers have gathered to, duh, rehearse as well as meet the newest members of the group. Rob, swathed in our favorite scarf yet, tells the GRS members, specifically, Marcia to play nice when it comes to the new people. Aw, the tension. It’s like the Hatfields and the McCoys. Or the Bloods and the Crips. Or the Jets and the Sharks from “West Side Story,” except they were able to remember their choreography.

The six new members start filtering into the GRS rehearsal space as the old members clap as enthusiastically for the new members as audiences clap for the group as a whole after their performances, meaning half-heartedly at best.

We’re treated to a flurry of introductions. First up, we meet new member Eric who tells the camera that he wears his heart on his sleeves. On closer examination, he also wears a ring on his nose, leading us to wish that Grand River Singers will somehow incorporate Joan Osborne’s “What If God Was One of Us” into its performance repertoire.

Turns out that Eric is dating fellow new member Justin, stoking our enthusiasm for the inevitable sextape leak that will hopefully be titled “Jizz Hands.”

We cut from the lovebirds to new member Sam, who describes her life as a series of unfortunate events. More importantly we are introduced to new member Vanessa Blackwell or as we are going to refer to her as:

Within like two seconds of being on camera she pleasantly refers to herself as a bitch and after five seconds on screen we are absolutely smitten with her. In a room of full of people constantly on the verge of sobbing hysterically, it’s nice to have a voice of sharp disdain and bitchiness. VH1 said that Villainessa is the Rachel Berry of the group which is wildly incorrect since she is obviously the reality show answer to Santana.

Rob interviews that he is hoping to up the quality of GRS performances, a thought that sort of flies in the face of the entire premise of the show but whatever. He announces that they will be having their first performance of the season and asks if anybody has conflicts. Marcia and three other members do so they get to sit out and watch as the others get to reblock the performance as Scott Jenks’ beard directs people to their spots.

In rapid fashion we find out that Sam is basically terrible at having any sort of performance instincts while Greg and Justin and Marcia and Vanessa will be battling for solos. 

The Oldies march outside after rehearsal to have a discussion about having to audition for solos and handle this in their typical mature and totally rational manner: crying. During all of this discussion, we love how Greg unashamedly says that he was the guy with the “pretty voice” in the group while standing with Josh and Nick. The fact that nobody took that moment of "unintentional" insult throwing to make some sort of snarky comment to the camera about Greg as a way to get more camera time proves that pretty much everybody in GRS is a far better human being than us here at the Mixtape.

Speaking of Greg, we next see him and Liv at work together as he frantically practices his solo while traipsing around his hotel workplace, underwhelming guests and co-workers alike. If GRS does nothing, it at the very least brings people together in one uniformed WTF face.

We cut back to the GRS rehearsal space where Rob announces that they are going to have a “solo-off” which is not NEARLY as erotic as it sounds.

We start with Justin and Greg as they battle for the solo for “Color My World.” At this point, we just need to have a moment. Can we? Let us just break it down for a second. “Color My World” is a terrible song. Like aggressively awful in its pep and spunk to the point that even Up With People would tell GRS to calm the ever-loving fuck down.

Over in the girls solo battle, Marcia and Vanessa were battling for the solo in Katy Perry’s “Firework.” The thing is, no matter which girl got it they were going to perform it light years better than Ms. Perry does the song live.

Gurl.Bye.

We cut to a Trim interview where Tim and Rob try to make us believe that one newbie (Justin) and one oldie (Marcia) getting a solo wasn’t something predetermined by a producer reality show god but instead because of their differences between their desire for showmanship vs. vocal abilities.

We end the rehearsal with Rob telling the GRS kids to report back to the space at 5 a.m. to leave for the performance.  The camera whips around to pick up several annoyed/confused/scrunched-up faces including new member Sam. This is as about as subtle as foreshadowing is probably ever going to get on this show.

Now it's time for an "Off Pitch" pop quiz.

In the first episode of "Off Pitch," Marcia knocked:

A. On Heaven's door

B. Your pride aside

C. A microphone off of its stand

D. You out.

If you answered C, you are correct.

GRS is:

A. What you use for directions

B. The Grand River Singers

C. Something you treat with penicillin

D. The word

If you answered B, you are correct!

Our couple name for GRS co-founders Rob and Tim is:

A. Trim

B. Robim

C. Timbert

D. Cam and Mitchell

If you answered A, you are correct! 

And now back to the recap!

It is early the next morning and members of GRS are slowly but surely filtering into the rehearsal space.  Everybody is there and accounted for except for Sam. FORESHADOWING PAYOFF! Everybody is rightfully annoyed Sam isn't there, and Rob tells everybody they are leaving because apparently show choirs aren't like the armed forces; they will leave your ass behind. 

We cut back and forth between the various vans as they go off to destination unknown as the group bitch about Sam not showing up.

Vanessa: “You know what would make this sunrise beautiful? Everyone here on time, together.”

STOP WORKING YOUR WAY INTO OUR HEART, VILLAINESSA!

Honey Bon Jovi has got to pee. No seriously, this is a legitimate plot point of this episode that some editor spent hours piecing together and putting his/her film school degree to excellent use. Anyway, Honey Bon Jovi has to pee and apparently didn't do so during their one allowed rest break on this three hour car ride. To what we are sure is the surprise of everybody who watched the first episode, Honey Bon Jovi somehow manages to resist the urge to break down into tears over this lot in life and instead gets handed a water bottle to pee in, boldly asking if there was one a larger opening. This gets the follow response from fellow GRS member Molly J.:

“Just put the tip in the fucking bottle and go!” You know, we appreciate any woman who can confidently tell a man what to do with his dick. 

Josh pees, much to the mixed squeals of delight and horror from the rest of the folks in the van. See this stuff right here, this is the stuff that wins Emmys. Or People’s Choice Awards. Or at least get a nomination for the Teen Choice Awards. Maybe. 

GRS looks at their van windows and starts realizing they are going to be performing at a cow chip festival. Wait what? You’re telling us that these people got into a van at five a.m. with nary a clue where they were going to be performing? Okay show. We hope that means that the season finale is them singing “Born This Way” for a super pumped crowd at Folsom Prison.

And now

Josh: “Yeah it’s kinda shitty to be at a shitfest. But at the same time have you ever performed at a shitfest? So it's another thing that you can put on, put on, put on your a list of things you've done."

Bless him and everything he stands for.

Rob interviews that they only have one hour to set up, and he's catching hell from all the ladies for it. We see footage of him walking around to a picnic table as the ladies work feverishly to become 

Vanessa: “We’re bitchy because we’re running out of time and we’re supposed to be ready in five minutes. You standing there chirping in our ears is not helpful so please go somewhere else if you’re not going to shut up.”

MARRY US VILLAINESSA.

This stress leads to our requisite moment of:

Rob: I can transform myself into a drag queen in one hour. If they can't do it, I'm sorry. They’re girls. They already have all the basic necessities.

Tim: But they need to look pretty.

Rob: They are pretty.

Tim: I'm saying, you don't have to look pretty when you do it so who cares.

True shade begins at home, folks.

We finally get to the performance and get to hear “Color My World” for the millionth already this episode. Greg says that hearing Justin open the show singing the song makes his heart break a little. And the fact that this song exists makes our heart break so apparently there is no joy in motherfucking Mudville today.The crowd looks on at this performance with the now standard befuddlement we’ve already grown accustomed to from GRS performances.

They do applaud and GRS member Kayla says, “The audience kind of liked it.” She says it in an uneasy tone, like she doesn’t know whether to be proud of GRS or disheartened by the shitty taste of the crowd.

Next up GRS attempts to perform the song "Don't Be Anything Less You Can Be" from "Snoopy!: The Musical." 

Between this song and "Color My World," this setlist could've been given to Shelby to keep her blood sugar up in "Steel Magnolias."

Anyway, people are mumbling/forgetting the lyrics and this causes Rob to yell at the camera, “Pull it together people.” Why would they break with tradition now? Anyway we see snippets of different songs because this show is hell bent on never giving us a full GRS performance from beginning to end.

Afterwards, we see the group doing a slow walk together as Cher Lloyd's music yelps in the background. They've been able to survive this performance sans Sam and now get to do something amazing: throwing pieces of dried-up cow shit. We see Molly J. fling a cow chip while wearing a gown which hope means this will end up being her talent if she ever runs for Miss Wisconsin in the future.

We close out the episode seeing a guy dressed up as a dancing piece of cow shit. We're sure that somewhere in that there is a metaphor about "Off Pitch."

Next week, the group performs at a speedway and someone will cry. We didn't see the last part in the preview, but we're just going to assume that is going to happen the same way we assume the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. See you later because we are

Source: RealityTVGifs

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