Hey Mixtapers! Do you like to sing? Do you like to dance? More importantly, do you like to do both of these things at the same time in the most mediocre of fashion? Well you’re in luck as this week La Crosse’s very own adult show choir and reality show punching bags stars the Grand River Singers are holding auditions this weekend!
And seeing how we recap “Off Pitch” with our very own Clef Notes: Recaps in the Key of Shade, available to read day or night here at the Majak Mixtape, we believe that we are the perfect coach for you Mixtapers who want to take part in the glory that is 15 minutes of pseudo fame followed by a lifetime of regret, disappointment and the occasional foray into porn Grand River Singers. So here are just a few tips:
Tip number one: Cry. From the moment you walk into the audition room to the moment you leave, you should just never stop crying. They should have to build an ark to get out of the rehearsal space because of your flood of emotions.
Tip Number Two: Accessorize yourself to filth. Whether it be a scarf or a bandana or a bow tie, the Grand River Singers spend more as much time picking out the right accent for their clothes as they do fine tuning their performances. Be bold. Be daring. Our suggestion, a bedazzled eye patch.
Tip Number Three: Song choice. Make sure you choose a song with a positive message. Since most GRS performances are like PSAs with jazz hands, try to find a song that is cloying uplifting in its very nature and delivers a message that young and old can really appreciate. Our suggestion, Lady’s tune, “Yankin.”
And there you go, with these helpful hints, you too have a shot at becoming part of the Grand River Singers. It’s gonna be good!
Continue reading the Mixtape as we take on gay basketball players, the final three of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the Townie Tea and so much more darlings.
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| Source: LogoTV |
Hello, dahlings! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, snatching the jock off your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where our snark is nothing but net. The biggest news story this week was pro-basketball player Jason Collins announcing to the world that he is a player for Team Gay. And as a cheerleader for Team Gay, we couldn’t be more excited for this development as it makes Collins the first openly gay male sports athlete in history, something that is both joyful in the almost universally lovely responses as well as mildly disheartening that this is a major event in the year 2013.
Collins wrote an extensive and beautiful piece about the matter for the latest issue of “Sports Illustrated,” causing us to do the here-to-now unthinkable thing of actually reading that magazine outside of a dentist’s waiting room. Our favorite quote from the article comes towards the very beginning and sums up the entire situation perfectly:
“I didn't set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand.”
And we’d call on you any day, boo.
In honor of him coming out and hopefully setting a new standard for it, we kick off this Mixtape with Tame Impala’s cover of the Outkast tune, “Prototype.”
Collins has received an outpouring of support from everybody from former President Clinton and current President Obama to pretty much any celebrity with a Twitter account and even Collins’ ex-fiancée.
But with all momentous moments, the response to Collins’ coming out hasn’t been all roses as ESPN commentator Chris Broussard, moving at the speed of douche, let the world know he believes that homosexuality is a sin and that Collins is “walking in open rebellion to God and Jesus Christ.” We wonder if Broussard had the same sort of passionate Bible-thumping response when Tiger Woods was putting his golf ball in holes all across the United States and most of western Europe because pretty sure the Bible is not super duper okay with adultery.
Broussard also went on to say, “I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don’t think the Bible would characterize them as a Christian” because nobody is more qualified to be a theologian like somebody who makes their money commenting at length on the pulled groin injuries of various athletes.
In honor of this, our next song is "Planned Attack" by Quasimoto.
In honor of this, our next song is "Planned Attack" by Quasimoto.
And Broussard isn’t the only one taking issue with Collins’ coming out as former Green Bay Packers football player LeRoy Butler found out this week after he tweeted a congratulations to Collins and promptly found himself without a speaking gig at a church.
According to Butler, the church, who was going to have Butler give an anti-bullying speech, canceled the gig because his support of Collins violated the moral clause in their contract. So let us get this all correct for a second: a church was going to have Butler talk about bullying but canceled his gig because he was being supportive of a person who is a member of group that, surprise, is routinely bullied. Seems totally logical.
Our favorite thing to come from this whole situation is this tweet from the Goddess known as RuPaul:
Outgaying you since the mid-1980s, hunty.
And speaking of RuPaul, let us dive into “RuPaul’s Drag Race” as we approach the season five finale this Monday on Logo. This season of Drag Race has been filled with double wigs, double eliminations and double Ds. How YOU doin’ Michelle Visage? The competition was stiff which wasn’t that surprising given all the glorious man candy around the work room this year.
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| Source: LogoTV |
Now we are down to our final three drag-testants: Jinkx Monsoon, Alaska, and Roxxy Andrews. It’s been a long road for these three, filled with tears and tucks. We break it down on why we are rooting for each one of these queens to win.
Jinkx Monsoon is our favorite of the year, mainly because her drag persona and abilities fall outside of the usual fare we see on this show and is way closer to theatrical performance. We knew we were going to love her the moment we saw this video of her performing “All That Jazz” live.
Sure her drag look is a little too Dollar Tree for us sometimes and the victim edit from the producers is a bit much at this point, but she’s a queen with the necessary x-factor to truly be a drag superstar.
Up next, Sharon Needles’ boyfriend/girlfriend Alaska. There are a ton of reasons we love Alaska this season: her wit, her ability to sense that being in a clique is a terrible idea, the bored drawl of her speaking voice. And nothing quite symbolizes all the reasons why we love her and wouldn’t be mad at her for winning is her perfume ad she did for a challenge:
Will she be able to get out from under Sharon’s spooky shadow? We sure hope so.
And finally Roxxy Andrews. Nope. We’re not even going to pretend we want this queen to win.
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| Source: Fuck Yeah! RuPaul's Drag Race |
We’re sad that Alyssa Edwards didn’t stay on longer because of all her unintentional hilarity.
And we’re also disappointed that Detox didn’t bring her A-game like we expected. She’ll never be forgotten by us as we routinely like to drunkenly yell this phrase of hers at people now.
And let us be real, the true winner of this season will always be the same person who always wins: RuPaul. And in celebration of that, we have her new single, available on iTunes of course.
And from group of drag queens to another, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj have re-ignited their feud just in time to try help flagging ratings for this season of “American Idol.” This leads us to a segment we’re calling a:
It all began during one of the live shows this week when Mariah and Nicki started arguing and Mariah decided to shade Nicki more than the Minaj’s makeup artist does with her nose contouring by referencing the fact that Minaj has not gotten a Billboard 100 #1 hit in her career yet.
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See, that’s the thing about Mariah. She will shade you, your family, and future generations if she has to all while planning a vow renewal ceremony at Disneyland because Nick Cannon gets a child discount.
Just look at the shade she flung in Jennifer Lopez’s direction years ago.
Nicki Minaj, of course, decided to feel all types of feeling about this shade and took to her Twitter account to post the following question: “"Why a woman SO successful at her age, is still so INSECURE, and bitter." Fair point. Even better question, why would a woman like Minaj, with all her money, purposely spend half of this season of “American Idol” wearing a wig that purposely was designed to look like the roots needed a touch up. So many questions, so little answer.
In honor of all of this, our next song is “Q.U.E.E.N.,” the newest music video from Janelle Monae and featuring Erykah Badu.
You know what’s an awesome ad for a soda pop? Having a group of black men in a line-up with a threatening goat as a bruised and battered white woman tries to correctly identify her attacker. And by awesome, we mean racist and misogynistic as all types of fuck.
Mountain Dew: Rotting both your teeth and your mind, one drink and commercial at a time.
And finally time to spill the . . .
Here’s a little known fact, Mixtapers: hand sanitizer is not made for you to get shitfaced on. I know, motherfucking weird right? People have apparently been going around to parks and stealing tubes of hand sanitizer, which contains alcohol, and have been either drinking it straight or using salt as a way to extract the alcohol. Seems pretty ingenious to us. We’ve always wanted a martini that could get us drunk AND moisturize our skin too.
Hopefully this will all lead to an episode of “Intervention” happening here in La Crosse. And we pray it’d be amazing as that Sylvia episode.
And in other illegal news, an Onalaska band teacher has allegedly lost her shit. Yes that’s real legal jargon. Trust us, we nap to Judge Mathis. The teacher has been charged with stalking and threatening her boyfriend after allegedly wielding both a knife and a wooden plank. You know, if we had to spend every weekday listening to angst-ridded, acne-scarred, One Direction loving tweens mess up “When the Saints Go Marching In,” we’d probably snap at some point too.
And with that, we bid you a fond farewell! Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. And remember to always let the haters know:
And with that, we bid you a fond farewell! Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. And remember to always let the haters know:
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