This Mixtape is Old as Dirt and Twice as Messy

I don’t remember if it was Lil Kim or Jesus who said it first, but Tiffany Pollard (aka New York from “Flavor of Love”) been gone for a minute, but she back with the jump off as she made headlines this month as she joined the latest cast of the UK reality show “Celebrity Big Brother.” 

And she’s barely been in the house and already has made waves, this week because she had a breakdown when she was told that “David” died and assumed they were talking about Liza Minnelli’s ex-husband/fellow “Celebrity Big Brother” house guest David Gest and not Angie Bowie’s ex husband David Bowie.

Nothing says bereavement quite like wacky sitcom-level mistaken identity shenanigans. Right? Right.

Anyway, the return of Tiffany to TV screens to once again scream about being the head bitch in charge has made yours truly fond of the time when VH-1 was full of “Flavor of Love” shows, and I’m launching a campaign to bring some of those ladies back to relevancy in 2016.

First up is Tiffany Pollard’s former rival Pumpkin. Pumpkin and New York got into a figurative and then literal spat on their season when Pumpkin proudly spit on New York while making her exit from the show.

Yeah, spitting on a person is gross. But it’s still not as gross as a group of grown women competing to have sex with Leprechaun: In the Hood Flavor Flav.

Next up is Hottie, who was also on New York season of “Flavor of Love.” When she wasn’t busily declaring that people said she reminded them of Beyonce, she was making horrifyingly awful chicken.

So I little to no evidence to prove this, but I somehow think that Hottie is responsible for the E.coli outbreak at Chipotle.

And finally, I submit the magic of Saaphryi and her iconic “lip chap.”

H-Town: “I’m a white girl. I’m frail.”

Saaphyri: “Well you should’ve thought of that before you were hitting people with flowers.”

Special shout-out to the girl who took a crap on “Flavor of Love.”

Still more dignified than some of the behavior on any version of “Love and Hip Hop.”

Source: Reality TV Gifs

Keep reading for this week's birthday-centric mix!

This Mixtape Can't Stop

It’s a Friday night, and we are positioned at our usual spot with a drink in one hand, and our coat in the other. It’s at this precise moment when one of our friends, dressed sharply in a bow tie and nice pale blue button down shirt, comes shuffling through the crowd that is downtown bar on a Friday night. He comes up to us, somewhat giddy and pulls us aside to have a little talk.

“Which one do you think is better?” he asks us, holding his phone up to us.

We squint our eyes a bit as we scrolls rapidly through a set of six photos. At first we can’t tell the difference since they all seem to be of the same person---him---in the same pose---goofily grinning. It takes us a couple moments until it finally clicks.

“You’ve been gone for like past ten minutes so you could take selfies in the bathroom mirror?” we sigh, moving our drink from one hand to another as our eyes drift back and forth between our friend and his phone.

“Which one do you think is best?” he asks us, scrolling through the evidence of his impromptu bathroom photo shoot.

“I don’t know,” we say as we study the photos. “There is more lens flare happening in these photos than in both ‘Star Trek’ movies.”

“Just choose one,” he says as he keeps scrolling.

“That one,” we say.

“That’s not even a photo of me.”

This Mixtape Stole Christmas

Oh the holidays, the time for joy and good cheer and a lot of shade. Last Friday, we unleashed onto the world “A Very Off Pitch Christmas.” To our surprise, nobody from Grand River Singers has thrown a brick through our apartment window yet. But with all writing, there has to be some things that get cut because of space so we’ve decided as a bonus treat to give you a moment from “A Very Off Pitch Christmas” that didn’t make it.

Over footage of snow lightly falling, we hear GRS member Jon voiceover about he’s been trying to get himself out into the dating world after coming out to his parents.

“It’s been really hard to find the time to meet the right guy. You know, with school, GRS rehearsals, and keeping my hair at maximum spikiness.”

We see Jon shuffling into a restaurant and sit down as he voiceovers about how he’s tried to use some different social media sites to try to get himself out there. But over the course of the past few weeks, he’s started talking to a lovely dude that he might think is the one.

“He’s the jazz hand to my blade,” Jon happily smiles to the camera. “Since we’re such a close family in GRS, they all felt like they needed to give me advice for my first date.”

Josh: “Don’t cry until at least after you're done with your appetizers.”

Marcia: “Play hard to get. Only give him a hand job on the first date.”

Jon to the camera: “And this is why I’m going to be single forever.”

We see some time lapse footage of Jon nervously drinking glass after glass of water as time ticks away. Just when he’s about to throw in the towel on this date, he hears that his date has arrived. Excitedly, Jon throws his napkin on the table, stands up and turns around to see something he was not expecting at all.

Jon tells the camera: “This is not the hunky dude who loves high kicks and Harry Potter as much as I do. This is some crazy lady.”

“Hi, my name is Doreen. I’m the biggest fan of ‘Off Pitch.' And I just wanted to meet one of them so badly so I made up a profile, took a photo from an Andrew Christian underwear ad and suddenly I was Jorge O’Hara, a swarthy man with dashing good looks, a love of cooking and a vers. top.”

The two sit nervously across from each other at the restaurant as Jon tries to figure out what to do as Doreen periodically rambles about her favorite “Off Pitch” moments.

Doreen excitedly says, “I loved that time where you guys messed up your performance.”

“Do you not know how vague of a statement that is?” Jon replies, tapping his finger on the table linen.

The date ends abruptly when Doreen gets a phone call.

“What do you mean JB is dead?!” she screams into the phone. 

“Who’s JB?” whispers Jon across the table.

“My kitty cat,” Doreen replies.

Jon waits for a moment. “You named your cat after me?!”

“You both are just so good at prancing!” she says. “Or at least he was. Now he’s prancing in kitty heaven.”

Doreen grabs her purse, gives Jon a peck on the forehead and goes running out of the restaurant. A few moments later, a waiter comes by and asks Jon if he needs anything.

“A drink,” he says. “A drink and maybe some trauma counseling.”

Drink up, Mixtapers, and get into the rest of an all-new Majak Mixtape!