Peach, Please: Don't Be Tardy For a Whippin'



Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: We were introduced to new housewife Cynthia as she grasped for a storyline by endlessly talking about being a model as well as her many engagements, making us long for the days when season one DeShawn spent whole episodes looking for nannies, maids and GOVERNESSES for her children.

Also grasping for some airtime was Kandi who was bitching about not getting money for writing/producing Kim's "Tardy For the Party" and then performed at Cynthia's husband-to-be's supper club:

Sheree went out on a date with a doctor Tiy-E Muhammad who, according to reports, isn't even really a doctor though he was a "relationship expert" on The Ricki Lake Show so he might not be a real one but at least he played one on trash tv.

Phaedra spent the episode trying to money from her weed smoking clients and calling people "heffas," which is sort of mild for her.

Lastly, NeNe and her Justin Bieber Haircut of Righteous Indignation laid the smackdown on her son in epic fashion. She may be ghetto as a pitcher of red Kool-Aid served with some Popeye's chicken, but we have to give credit to NeNe for knowing how to deliver priceless moments.

This week's episode of Housewives we have Kim at the big ole White Party, Kandi's resentment over being reduced to back-up singer status, Sheree and Dwight confront each other over his alleged giving of $30,000, Cynthia's scenes that allow us to go have a bathroom break, and Phaedra's lip gloss coated racial insensitivity.

Since she and her wigs of questionable taste took up most of the episode, or at the very least most of our flat screen television, we start off with Kim and her White Party misadventures with her assistant Sweetie (which does anybody else think that this nickname is not something Sweetie came up with but something Kim repeatedly called her during wine-induced haze?)

Mostly likely due to her resemblance to a drag queen, Kim was invited to sing her itunes Dance Chart hit "Tardy for the Party" for 10,000 gays and naturally she jumped at the chance, as long as it involved as little work as possible for herself. She then of course enlisted Kandi to help and come out.

Kandi was none too pleased probably because A) her life's goal was not to be singing "Oooooooh, Oooooh" behind Kim's bad lacefront and B) last week she was performing at a supper club and Kim is performing for 10,000 folks. Kandi was probably wondering who could she run to for some career advice.

We love you Kandi, but at this point you really have to own the fact that you're a Kelly Rowland trying to be a Beyonce. It isn't, it wasn't and it ain't ever gonna be, gurl.

Also can we mourn for the time Kandi had hair color found in nature. Or at least not in the dollar aisle of a Wal-Green's.

As far as Kim's "performance" we can't really give you one opinion one way or another. Any untalented hack who gets a bevy of bulge-y male dancers and a cocktail glass dedicated to her is clearly doing something correct we suppose. Below, her performance:

Kim clearly graduated from Real Housewives of New Jersey Danielle Staub's Performing Arts School.

In other stories from this week's episode, Southern Belle Phaedra told her convict husband Apollo that she'd be whipping their children.

Also she said in one of her talking head interviews that since Apollo is half-white, he's not used to good food and mostly stuff served from a can.

Phaedra is quickly proving that she will pretty much say anything to get her screentime even if it pretty much amounts to her sighing and saying:

 

Elsewhere, in infinitely less interesting storylines, housewife Cynthia did something.

Or nothing. We don't really know. We, as per usual, were grabbing a snack in all of her scenes.

Somewhere first season housewife DeShawn is hopping mad.

Sheree and Dwight met to discuss his alleged 30,000 he put into her She by Sheree fashion show. Dwight cited that he had spent money on seamstresses and KINKOS. Child, if you're able to spend 30,000 grand on some stitching and making copies, no wonder this country went through such a huge credit crisis.

Dwight hilariously brought a guy along with him because he may not be able to breathe out of his nose or blink his eyes or go down the street and not terrify children who think he's a wax figure come to life, but he's certainly no fool when it comes to what Sheree is capable of when confronted.

Next week on Real Housewives, Phaedra continues her conversational Sherman's March to Sea as she offends Cynthia in a limo ride, NeNe most likely gets her nose done, Kim makes an ass out of herself, Kandi continues to get a bitch edit, and Sheree continues to go out with her fake doctor friend.

See you next week. Countess Luann from Real Housewives of NYC, play us out.