Happy Valentine's Day everybody! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, arriving on the red carpet in an egg better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes to figure out who exactly Esperanza Spalding is. Last night the Grammys were held on CBS and as always, the show turned into a marathon of bad wardrobe ideas, questionable vocals, WTF wins, and occasionally brilliant performances as the music industry patted itself on the back for not completely being destroyed by illegal downloading. From the opening tribute to Aretha Franklin to the unholy trifecta of Usher/Jaden Smith/Justin Bieber to everybody trying to figure out who the girl who was singing with Eminem to hearing that damn drunk dialing country song for the umpteenth time, the show was pretty high on the unintentional hilarity scale.
But before we delve into the high, the lows and the Lady GaGa, we'll do what we do best:
While Britney Spears has been busily prepping to drop a new music video for her underwhelming single "Hold it Against Me," the government has been going after her ex-husband Kevin Federline according to TMZ. The former Mr. Spears owes some $20,000 or so in back taxes, which has caused the government to slap a lien on K-Fed. And here we thought all former back-up dancers had such sound financial planning skills.
K-Fed ain't the only one having to deal with tax issues as Joe Francis, the mind behind the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise, has a tax lien against his company for over $100,000 according to RadarOnline. When not coaxing girls to take off their tops, Francis has been busily not paying for things according to RadarOnline as he recently also indicted on two felony theft charges due to owing some two million dollars to the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. It's nice to see that Joe Francis' life decisions skills are on the same level of the drunk coeds that appear in his videos on the regular.
In other news from TMZ, an intruder was apparently arrested at the home of Ellen DeGeneres and her wife Portia. The intruder never made contact with the talk show host as her 24 hour security team was all over the situation. We guess people will do anything to boogie with Ellen, even break the law.
And from the tea to the Grammys, we've got you covered as we take on our favorite performances, a rundown of like the two actual awards that were given out and who we consider the MVP of the whole 20 hour program.
Oh the Grammys, such a glorious trainwreck last night. We kicked off the show with Yolanda Adams, Martina McBride, Jennifer Hudson, Florence Welsh and Christina Aguilera trying out glory note each other in a tribute to the Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin. We'll have to say that all of the ladies sounded great for the most part, especially when they were actually singing words instead of just hitting the high notes to out diva one another. Christina Aguilera especially did a good job while inexplicably having a completely different microphone stand from the rest of the girls because lord knows that totally is a great way to rehab your image as an over-the-top diva.
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And poor Aguilera. She can't catch a break. At the Super Bowl, she forgot some of the lyrics to the "Star Spangled Banner." At the Grammys, she fell.
It's like she's constantly trying to live out the beginning of the underdog triumphing over adversity arc in a biopic of her life without actually getting to the triumphing part.
And from the Christina Aguilera fall to the Lady GaGa fail, GaGa debuted her new single "Born This Way" on the Grammys by hatching herself out of a plastic egg while wearing a mall rat side ponytail. You know when you've officially gone nuts in terms of your performances? When we can write that you were hatched out of a plastic egg while wearing a side ponytail and that is considered the height of restraint on your part. You know how bored we were by the performance? We're just going to link to Madonna singing "Express Yourself" instead.
And while Lady GaGa was busily underwhelming us with her theatrics, Janelle Monae and B.o.B. were offsetting our NO1CURR-ness about Bruno Mars in a truly smashing performance.
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Aside from the black and white of retro-earnestness and B.o.B. blipster monocle, we're pretty sure we loved everything about the performance.
Especially when you compare to the suckfest of Bieber/Usher/Jaden Smith as Bieber seemingly went through puberty on stage, Jaden Smith decided to raid his sister's closet for pants and Usher was somehow winded just at the notion of having to sing "OMG" for the millionth time.
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Elsewhere Mumford and Sons, the Avett Brothers and Bob Dylan teamed up with a performance that was an explosion of folky hipsterdom that we enjoyed until Bob Dylan's sandpaper vocals entered into the mix. Seriously, his voice nowadays can strip paint off of walls.
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Eminem, who has now resorted to screaming over rapping, appeared with Dr. Dre, Rihanna and WHO DAT guest vocalist Skylar Grey.
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It may have only taken her five albums to get to the point, but Rihanna has finally become not a completely earsplitting bad live performer.
Arcade Fire came away as the big winner of the night, causing our Facebook newsfeed to rage as apparently a large majority of our Facebook friends don't know who the Arcade Fire is. SHAKE OUR HEADS AT YOU.
A brief rundown of some of our favorite things from the Grammys:
Nicole Kidman being our MVP for the night. The actress who is notorious for coming across as a bit frosty was having the most fun out of the night, at least according to the constant cutaways to her during performances. She was seriously getting down to "Teenage Dream" when Katy Perry performed it and proved that the enjoyment of music can actually counteract nearly all the Botox in one's face.
Cee-Lo Green getting in touch with his inner Elton John while Gwynnie Paltrow stole her look from Roisin Murphy to perform "Forget You" with the Muppets.
This ad for testicular cancer that ran during the show:
Donnie Wahlberg giving the side eye about Justin Bieber while presenting with Selena Gomez.
Mark Anthony perpetually looking like he's prepping to play a drug addict in a film.
Drake getting sort of fat.
The fact that the AWARDS section of this show could've been done in all of five minutes.
Here are the Winners, care of Entertainment Weekly:
Record of the Year
Lady Antebellum, “Need You Now”
Best Rap Album
Eminem, Recovery
Best New Artist
Esperanza Spalding
Song of the Year
Lady Antebellum, “Need You Now”
Best Country Album
Lady Antebellum, Need You Now
Best Pop Vocal Album
Lady Gaga, The Fame Monster
Best Rock Album
Muse, The Resistance
Best Female Country Vocal Performance
Miranda Lambert, “The House That Built Me”
Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group
Train, “Hey Soul Sister”
Female Pop Vocal Performance
Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance”
Male Pop Vocal Performance
Bruno Mars, “Just the Way You Are”
Alternative Album
the Black Keys, Brothers
Country Performance by a Duo or Group
Lady Antebellum, “Need You Now”
Rap Song
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, “Empire State of Mind”
Rap Solo Performance
Eminem, “Not Afraid”
Dance Recording
Rihanna, “Only Girl (In the World)
Electronic Dance Album
La Roux, La Roux
We end the Mixtape with our favorite performance, Cee-Lo and Paltrow getting their Forget You on!
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