Oh Mixtapers, we’re just going to own up to the fact that we love terrible music. We don’t mean it in some obnoxious, hipster, hyper-ironic sort of way. We legitimately enjoy the worst that the music industry has to offer. We unabashedly have pretty much every dance single from every Real Housewife on our computer. In the 1990s, we probably single-handedly kept the worst corners of the teen pop music afloat. And for people that love terrible music, this week has been the gift that keeps on giving as a flurry of terrible music releases have been unleashed onto an unsuspecting public.
First up, Avril Lavigne has taken time out of her busy schedule of planning her wedding to Nickelback singer Chad Kroeger to put out a new single. It’s called “Here’s to Never Growing Up” because apparently deep in Avril’s Hot Topic heart, she’s really a Toys R Us kid. Maybe?
Avril Lavigne is like pop music’s more aggressively juvenile Peter Pan. At this point, we can’t even be mad at her steadfast refusal to never grow up when it comes to her image. Blink 182 still dress like we’ve caught them between shifts at PacSun.
Next up, Ray J has managed to record a new single from the confines of an ICU. That’s the only way we can explain the level of THIRST in his new track that discusses having sex with Kim Kardashian ten thousand relationships ago. The song has the amazing title of “I Hit It First.”
We hope Ray J can afford some Ethan Allen furniture since he so desperately needs to find himself a seat.
And finally, Brad Paisley and LL Cool J cure racism with their song “The Accidental Racist,” a title that somehow ISN’T a title of a Tracey Jordan film. In the tune, Paisley and LL Cool J try to come to some sort of understanding about Paisley’s desire to show his Southern pride by wearing a Confederate flag. You want to show your Southern pride? Get a bumper sticker with a photo of some collard greens.
This song includes lines like:
Last time we checked, a do-rag never tried to secede from the union. The only way this song could get more offensive is if the music video was of LL Cool J and Brad Paisley tap dancing down a staircase dressed up like Bojangles and Shirley Temple.
“If you don’t judge my gold chains, I’ll forget the iron chains” and “If you don’t judge my do-rag, I won’t judge your red flag.”
Last time we checked, a do-rag never tried to secede from the union. The only way this song could get more offensive is if the music video was of LL Cool J and Brad Paisley tap dancing down a staircase dressed up like Bojangles and Shirley Temple.
Now twirl yourself into the rest of the Mixtape as we provide you the necessary "Off Pitch" drinking game as well as spilling that celebrity tea as always.
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| Source: RealityTVGifs |
We’re less than a week away from the official premiere of the Grand River Singers reality show “Off Pitch,” and nothing says ready to have a front row seat for this glorious train wreck quite like devising our very own drinking game. We figured we might as well be as drunk watching the show as the people were when they gave it the green light.
Before we begin, remember, never drink and jazz hand under the influence. Someone’s liable to lose an eye.
Somebody cries. Based on the first episode alone, we’re surprised that “Off Pitch” didn’t get Kleenex to be a sponsor given the amount of tears that are being shed. People are crying because they’re sad, crying because they’re happy, crying because we assume a sequin got into a tear duct.
Somebody is drinking booze. Setting a show in La Crosse and not seeing somebody downing a few beers is as likely to happen as going through a season of "Bad Girls Club"
without a girl’s lady business having to be blurred out.
Below GRS member Aubrey makes cocktails for her pals at La Crosse establishment Big Al’s.
We love how half of Aubrey’s interview segment is devoted to how she’s already tipsy. We can’t wait for them to repurpose this for the opening segment of her episode of “Intervention.” We hope Kristin Chenoweth leads the session.
In honor of all of this, our next song in this Mixtape is “How Many Drinks Remix” from Miguel and featuring Kendrick Lamar.
You see somebody wearing a scarf. Take two drinks when it’s somebody other than GRS founder Rob Jones. Seriously, the scarf budget on this show must be astronomical. Extra drinking points whenever you wonder how many shirts with beyond questionable prints on the cuffs GRS co-founder Tim has in his wardrobe.
Below Tim and Rob, our as we like to refer to them as "Trim," give us a tour of La Crosse. Congratulations to the both of them for being able to get through "Ol' Man River" without wearing any blackface.
Somebody is actually off pitch. It’s sort of a given, you know, with the title and all.
Somebody does jazz hands.
Somebody does blades.
You realize you know the difference between jazz hands and blades.
There is a WTF face on an audience member during a GRS performance.
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| Source: RealityTVGifs |
Marcia messes up the choreography. We’re not saying that Marcia is bad at the choreography (yes, yes we are). We'll be surprised if she makes it all the way through the season without accidentally impaling herself on a microphone stand.
Rob is on screen and not talking. Trust us, it’ll probably be the least amount of alcohol you’ll consume during this game.
Nicholas gets edited into looking like an offensive gay stereotype. Take three drinks if you’re friends with him like us and know that he IS an offensive gay stereotype. The amount of hairspray Nicholas will go through during the course of the series will probably cause the Environmental Protection Agency to launch some sort of investigation into "Off Pitch."
Below, Marcia and Nicholas vie to become the new Karen and Jack.
You see Greg rocking a bow tie. If you’ve ever wondered what a baby faced, Midwestern Dr. Who would look like, you’ve got Greg and his extensive collection of bow ties.
And trust us, we know a little thing about bow ties.
You put Josh aka Honey Bon Jovi on mute and admire his everything hair.
A GRS member makes a heartfelt speech, specifically about how much the group means to them. Nothing offsets saccharine like a shot of gin.
Somebody is a diva during the rehearsal process. Given the amount of quirky personalities in one room together, it’ll be no surprise that they’ll probably be the occasional raised voice in the process. You have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet, and you go to bruise a few egos to make a reality show worth not canceling after its first week on air successful show choir.
The first episode of "Off Pitch" is available now on Hulu and iTunes for free. Be sure to come back next week as we recap the first episode!
First up in commercial break, Oprah has reached Ray J levels of desperation when it comes to keeping her OWN television network afloat apparently as she is now appearing in ads as her "Color Purple" character along with Tyler Perry as Madea.
Next up, The Air Curler.
There is not enough I CAN'T in the world for this product.
And finally, a dating website for the rural folks.
We love that, according to this ad, one of the horrible people you could end up talking to you on regular a dating website is a lonely ethnic person. The horror of it all.
Now it’s time to
Here’s a glimpse into the potential future of the cast members of “Off Pitch.” Farrah from “Teen Mom 2” is shopping a porn movie around to people as a bid to squeak out another few milliseconds of D-list fame. At first, Farrah tried to pass this off as some sort of Kim Kardashian/Pam Anderson sex tape. That quickly went down the tube (phrasing?) when her co-star, porn star James Deen, let it be known that it wasn’t some candid video but a regular ole porno. The whole situation has left us with so many questions:
Who thought this was a good idea?
Is Farrah more unprofessional on the set than James Deen’s “The Canyons” co-star Lindsay Lohan?
Will Farrah be providing the musical soundtrack for the video?
In other MTV reality show news, the producer and cast of "Buckwild" are annoyed that a week after their cast member and breakout star Shaine Gandee died the network has decided to cancel the show. The producer and cast members have gone as far as saying that Shaine would've wanted them to continue famewhoring making the show. Nothing quite says "bereavement" and "honoring the dead" quite like wanting to continue making a reality show, right?
Cast members even got into a feud on Twitter, of course, with the cast members of "Teen Mom 2." It's a fight where we can gleefully say that we are Team Nobody.
In other, non-reality show news, the president of Malawi is as annoyed with Madonna as anybody who has bought her last two albums. It all began when Madonna came to Malawi to check on her charitable deeds and even penned a handwritten note, hilariously addressing the PRESIDENT OF A COUNTRY BY HER FIRST NAME. We mean, we get it. You're Madonna. You're an icon. You can do pretty much anything except for maybe having a viable movie career. But starting off a letter to the president of Malawi with "Dear Joyce" is five kinds of too familiar. She's a president, not the lady that does your Restylane injections.
In response to this trip, President Banda revoked Madonna's VIP status as a visitor. We didn't even know that that was a thing that heads of state could just be doling out to people. The best part of President Banda's takedown of Madonna was the following line:
"She just came unannounced and proceeded to villages and made poor people dance for her."
Hey, it could've been worse. She could've made them sit through a screening of "The Next Best Thing."
And with that we bring this Mixtape to a glorious conclusion. Make sure to add us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. And as always, remember:
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