Look At Me, I'm Sandra Lee: Cocktail Time, Best Time of the Day

Hey y'all, welcome to the last edition of our week long tribute to Food Network personality Sandra Lee. We survived her main courses, hid her side dishes in balled up napkins, and fed her desserts to the dog underneath the table.

Now we take on the thing that Sandra Lee is most famous for outside of her tablescapes, her undying love of cocktail time. To be perfectly honest, Semi-Homemade cooking is 15 minutes of her reheating things from the grocery store, 5 minutes of her detailing her various hot gluing exploits and 10 minutes of her making alcoholic drinks so strong you could strip paint off the walls or freckles off of Bobby Flay.

So we end the week with a martini shaker in hand and the number of detox scrawled on the other as we delve into the wide world of Sandra Lee's happy hour(s).

Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee: Just Desserts, Part 2

Congratulations, if you are reading this, you have not slipped into a diabetic coma from yesterday's sugary edition of "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee."

We've gotten to one of our favorite subject matters when it comes to Sandra and that's her love of cakes, cakes mainly merely being the vehicle to deliver icing. Fundamentally, we are all about this philosophy but our addiction to canned frosting and boxed cake mix doesn't qualify us for a cooking show on the Food Network, either.

No matter, we now embark on the magical journey through Sandra Lee's various wonderful cake-ups. You've been warned.

Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee: Just Desserts, Part One

There are many things that Sandra Lee has done to delight us over the years: her hair extensions, her tablescapes, her jubiliance over cocktail time. But nothing ever quite matches the sheer mix of shock, awe, and hilarity as when Ms. Lee gets into the kitchen and whips up desserts for her usually imaginary guests. She has done so many truly WTF things that we couldn't even contain them in just one dessert post but instead had to split this section into two so enjoy Part One today!

Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee: Hot Ass Mess With a Side of WTF

"I put these in the refrigerator to bring them to room temperature."

Welcome to another edition of "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee" where we take on Food Network's Sandra Lee and her 70 percent store bought, ready-made/30 percent fresh ingredients and creative touches philosophy also known simply as semi-homemade.

To be honest, the craziness which happens on an episode by episode basis on Semi-Homemade from her hanging chandeliers from trees for picnics to her random proclamations that people love to fold napkins to her pouring a glass of Hypnotiq over some ice and calling it a cocktail, it's a bit of an overwhelming smorgasboard of brilliance.

Today we're going to dig into all of the various main dishes and sides that have populated the Semi-Ho universe over the years.

We caution you that you may need some Pepto to get through this whole post so consider yourself warned.

Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee: A Semi-Homemade Starter Course

 

Once upon a time, many TV show viewings ago, yours truly was scrolling through the various TV networks to find something to watch. In the midst of gavels, hair pulling, and news talking heads, I came upon the magic that is the Food Network and its array of programming: The Barefoot Contessa and her good vanilla, Paula Deen and her butter addiction, Rachael Ray and her gaping maw, Giada and her gaping shirts, Bobby Flay's smug gingerness, etc. But then I was introduced to the television crack that is the one, the only, the Semi-Homemaker herself, Sandra Lee.

Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee: Just Desserts

Here at the Majak Kingdom, there is no greater television addiction than the Food Network. And if the Food Network is the addiction, Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee is the cocaine that we routinely freebase. There are a multitude of reasons to love Sandra Lee: her love of cocktail time, the insanity that someone so opposed to actually cooking has a cooking show, her deep fascination with tablescapes or simply the fact that in her relationship with Andrew Cuomo she has the potential of being the first lady of New York which would make the greatest inauguration themed episode ever created for her program. Sadly, Sandra Lee moved on from Semi-Homemade Cooking to her equally crazy show Sandra's Money Saving Meals which is built upon the neat little axiom of "Everything I told you on Semi-Homemade was a total lie." Her ability to completely overhaul her message while maintaining it is completely consistent with what she has been saying proves that she may be perfectly suited to be a politician's wife.

So right now, the Majak Kingdom would like to introduce a series we're calling "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee" where, with the help of YouTube, we get to recap all of the magical Sandra Lee insanity in easily digestible parts.

Our inaugural column is centered around some of the great abominations that Sandra Lee likes to call "desserts."

Up first, Sandra Lee's May Day Centerpiece Cake from her episode Spring Picnic

The May Day Cake highlights one of the chief tennets of Sandra Lee which is cake is merely the vehicle to deliver canned frosting. Blood sugar be damned, Sandra Lee covers the cake with cans and cans of white fluffy icing with child-like glee while also sprinkling edible flowers on the cake which turns out to be the only thing within the dessert that has any nutritional value aside from maybe all of the bugs that have inadvertently been iced into the cakes.

Next up, Pecan Cinnamon Angel Food Cake from her "Sailing" episode

Because nothing says sailing like an angel food cake, Sandra Lee, dressed head to cameltoe in white because that's completely appropriate for grilling and making food, puts together an angel food dessert. This highlights one of the great abuses that happened over the course of Semi-Homemade: the destruction of the angel food cake.

I don't know what childhood trauma caused Sandra Lee to take her anger out on poor innocent angel food cake since I didn't read her memoir titled, of all the things in the world, Made From Scratch.

But pecans + cinnamon + icing + angel food cake= alcohol has killed your taste buds. It's simple mathematics.

Lastly, Sandra Lee's Noel Cake

There are so many things wrong with this, I'm just going to say: