This Mixtape Takes This Baguette in Holy Matrimony

This week saw the premiere of episode two of “Off Pitch,” VH1’s latest reality show following the musical exploits of the La Crosse’s very own adult show choir, the Grand River Singers. This week brought us truly riveting television as we watched battle lines be drawn between the new members of the group and the old members as they fought it out for solos, resident himbo Honey Bon Jovi tried not to piss himself while in a van, and the group got bring their obnoxious jubilant brand of entertainment to the crowds at the Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw And Festival. Today a Cow Chip Festival, tomorrow the world folks. So with so much nothing hilarity happening in just the span of 20 minutes (20 minutes that we have helpfully recapped here) things naturally have to be cut for time so VH1 has released some bonus footage.

First up, the Grand River Singers perform at Steppin’ Out in Pink, a breast cancer awareness event. We see you Off Pitch. Don’t think that GRS performing at a cancer benefit is going to stop us from being snarky because you’ve either underestimated our level of bitch or overestimated our level of humanity because WE ARE MONSTERS. 
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GRS member Marcia gets emotional about being at the event which is hilariously juxtaposed with GRS member Kayla referring to Marcia at the event as a hot mess while making this face:

You can just feel the empathy emanating from her curls.

And in the other bit of bonus footage, GRS hold an impromptu fundraiser, selling cheese curds and whatnot from Queeny Reeny. 
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Nick: “How are we going to entice people? With our good looks?”

You do it by putting Tim and more importantly his muscular arms front and center.

 If you can’t pimp yourself out for show choir and cheese curds, what CAN you pimp yourself out for.

And before we start the Mixtape, we’ve got a word for you Joel McHale. We see that this week you tried muscling into our territory of making fun of “Off Pitch” by featuring it on “The Soup.” We’ll let this slide, for now, because we are huge fans of “The Soup.” And of “Community.” And we want to have sex with you. Yeah, mainly because we want to have sex with you.

Dive into an all-new Mixtape as we take on Ryan Lochte’s reality show, Gwyneth Paltrow’s People Magazine cover, open letters to Beyonce, gay marriage in France and so much more.

Hello dahlings! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, snatching the Speedo off your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape. We have clocked in so let us get down to business, shall we?

After seemingly endless promos, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and his reality show “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” premiered this week, and it was exactly the kind of shitfest you would think it would be. We will give lots of credit to the creative minds behind the show as we noticed when we watched the first episode, at 2:30 a.m. mind you while trying to fall asleep, that at every point when we thought we had reached our maximum amount of Lochte-is-an-idiot quotient, he magically would appear on screen without his shirt. It’s like they factored in the audience’s pain threshold into the show and planned accordingly.

And the thing is, yes, Ryan Lochte is not going to become a member of Mensa anytime soon. Hell, he’d be hard press to be a member of the Breakfast Club. But he’s sort of inoffensively stupid, if that makes any sense. 

Overall, Lochte comes off like a guy who really enjoys his sport, loves his family and seems to not take the fame around him all that seriously so there are worst people in the world to be handing out reality shows to you. And the E! Network usually does.

So if the worst thing that happens on the show is Lochte being an idiot and the constant use of the mind-numbingly stupid phrase “Lochterage,” we might actually keep tuning in. And by tuning in, we mean searching through Tumblr for shirtless gifs of Lochte. Totally the same, right? Absolutely.

And speaking of E! and their shitty ass reality shows, they are just giving them out to anybody these days as now the boy band The Wanted will be getting their very own series for the network. The group that has the distinction of being the boy band that ISN’T One Direction is still trying to make it happen in America apparently.  According to sources, their next single is going to be titled “She Walks like Rihanna,” which shows you the near critical level of thirst for attention they have. Somebody better get them an IV filled with relevancy or they might die. 

In other reality show news, this week saw the season 2 premiere of the ratchet-fest known as “Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta.” We live for this show because it is an unabashed mess and gives us moments like these:

Homegirl is sipping wine through a bendy straw. And you damn well know that she probably poured that wine out of a box she got at Costco.

And if that wasn’t good enough, cast member K.Michelle put out a brand new single called “I Just Wanna Fuck.” Yep, you read that right. And it’s a piano ballad folks.

KY Michelle, what can we even say other than this is the best MadTV sketch we’ve ever seen. Keep on trolling.

And speaking of trolling, People Magazine just trolled us all this week when they announced who they thought was the Most Beautiful Woman in the World: Gwyneth Paltrow. Really? Because when we look ed at this week’s issue, we see a photo of “Scandal” actress Kerry Washington in the corner so Paltrow is not even the most beautiful woman on her own damn cover let alone the world. People Magazine lists, especially stuff as arbitrary as anything related to beauty, have way less to do with pristine skin and good bone structure and a lot more to do with how well a publicist can negotiate a deal for their client. And Paltrow landing this cover just as the next “Iron Man” hits theaters this week is not what we would exactly call a coincident.

What makes this all the more hilarious is just a week ago, Paltrow was named by Star Magazine as the Most Hated Person in Hollywood, managing to somehow outrank both Taylor Swift AND Chris Brown. It’s probably because she keeps sending links to her Goop newsletter to everybody.  Madonna is too busy trying to adopt all of Malawi to really be interested in what kind of high-waisted pants you think we should all have in our closet. 

In our of Paltrow's ability to rankle everybody's nerves by merely existing, we kick off this Mixtape with Janelle Monae's newest single "Q.U.E.E.N" with Erykah Badu.

In other famous women news, did you know that when Beyonce is one of the causes of sex trafficking of young teenage girls? Right? Who knew? According to an open letter written to First Lady Michelle Obama, Beyonce is a horrible example for young girls and her sexy image is one of the causes why girls get lured into the sex trade business:

“Remember that she's often brought into the 'life' by drug dealers who promise her a celebrity lifestyle, clothes like the ones Beyonce wears, and situations where she can live like Queen Bey: looking hot, being desired by alpha males, wielding power over others with her body and sexuality.”

We’re all for shading Beyonce for the tacky-a-thon that is her tour outfits but to suggest that her being a successful woman who is in charge of her sexuality somehow creates the perfect bait for dudes to kidnap girls is just beyond disgusting since it seems to put an unhealthy amount of blame on Beyonce and weirdly gives a free pass to, you know, the people kidnapping girls.

Speaking of Beyonce, that’s leading us to this week’s

Beyonce debuted a new song “Standing on the Sun” in her commercial for H and M. Between this and Pepsi, it seems like Beyonce’s strategy for releasing music is through endorsement deals. We can’t wait for to be twerking in some adult diapers when she finally gets around to announcing her lead single from her upcoming album.

And we still have more Beyonce news as a snippet of her cover version of Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black” for the “The Great Gatsby” soundtrack hit the Internet.

It’s hard to judge the Beyonce parts since it appears at the tail end of the snippet but Andre 3000, what in the actual goddamn fuck do you think you’re doing? You’re singing like you couldn’t find the right key of the song if you programmed it into a GPS.

Also from the soundtrack, we got a new track from Fergie. In it, she sings that a little party never killed nobody. Apparently she’s never been to an afterbar at Phil Spector’s house.

Will.I.Am’s contribution for the soundtrack also appears on his new album #willpower. Yes, we’re officially putting hash tags into album titles.

We love how it seems like to some people making music for “The Great Gatsby” soundtrack is just take a standard EDM tune and add just a hint of speakeasy flourish and done.

In other movie news, 20th Century Fox has bought the rights to remake the classic musical “Guys and Dolls” and they are looking at Channing Tatum and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as potential stars for it. We’re sort of unsure about this idea UNLESS they are able to incorporate this into the film.

Could Marlon Brando do that? Don’t think so.

And in former celebrity news, Tara Reid got thrown out of a store. To the surprise of probably everybody it wasn’t a Dollar Tree. According to sources, the actress threw a large “Do you know who I am” hissy-fit when a store refused to give her a celebrity discount. Tara, come on now. We’re pretty sure YOU couldn’t pick you out of a photo lineup at this point. The best part of the story is that it mentions that she is working on a new film called “Sharknado” about a tornado filled with, you guessed it, sharks. 

And in conclusion, we’d like to salute France for legalizing gay marriage. Finally Pepe Le Pew can finally drop the straight act and get married to the Pink Panther like you know he always wanted to do.

At their gay French wedding reception, we hope they serve Sandra Lee's French Pork Chops.

We also have some songs that might be appropriate to play at these upcoming functions.

First up, Rufus Wainwright's "One Man Guy" off his album "Poses."

Cosmo Jarvis' flawfree song "Gay Pirates." It's nearly as offensive as you'd think a song called "Gay Pirates" would be.

And finally, Grace Jones' balls-to-the-disco-walls cover version of "La Vie en Rose."

And with that, we bid you adieu! Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. And be sure to come back here next Thursday for our next Off Pitch recap and next Friday for an all-new Majak Mixtape. And remember:

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