Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kim's never ending storyline about recording "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" with Kandi continued with no sign of stopping or becoming interesting as she met with vocal coach Jan Smith to help work on discovering little things like notes, keys and pitch while her former gal pal DJ Tracy tagged along for moral support and to make Kim's hair styling choices seem less awful in comparison; elsewhere, equally delusional Sheree decided to pick up her I WANT TO ACT storyline and run with it, having abandoned her fashions to cheers of everybody with taste; speaking of no taste, our favorite boughetto princess Phaedra had a photo shoot for her and baby, Cynthia's future husband decided to come for NeNe's wig and Kandi continued to be on this show for reasons unknown to us.
This week on the Housewives: Friendship contracts are signed, tours are plotted and Sheree gets a part in a play that makes Tyler Perry look like David Mamet in comparison.
So sit down, relax and drink that wine out of a plastic cup like any one of our southern belles would do and enjoy today's recap!
Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kandi kontinued her konstant sex talk krap with her show Kandi Koated Nights, proving that there IS something more desperate than her hairstyle; Kim's daughter Brielle discovered that using the guise of morality is the perfect way to get some jewelry out of her mother so she asked and received an expensive purity ring; Phaedra brought home her totally premature *Cough LIAR Cough* baby home; Cynthia and her marriage storyline continues to be television Ambien; Sheree met with her Dr. Love friend who proved to be as jank as the weird part going down his afro; and NeNe continues to act the shit out of her storyline about the crumbling of her marriage, tearing out our hearts faster than she tore off her fake eyelashes.
This week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Peter randomly decides to not like NeNe while continuing to show his ever so charming personality while Sheree and Kim activate their Wonder Delusional Twin Powers in the form of acting and singing. Also, Kim's former gal pal Tracey makes an appearance while the ladies get their Fast and Furious on at a racetrack. Hopefully nobody will spill their Pinot Grigio while driving.
Last time on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kandi continued her march of martyrdom as she didn't spare a single moment not to bring up how wronged she felt by Kim for the "Tardy For the Party" situation and the fact that Kim did not like "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" because even Kim in her wine-and-cigarette-induced stupor could tell the song was actually crap; Phaedra's jig was up as her doctor outed her for actually full-term and not premature(Kandi, proving to be a future member of Mensa in the making, being the only one who bought that b.s.); Also getting outed as a fraud was I-got-my-degrees-online Dr. Tiy-E as he found himself getting the third degree from Sheree and company at her spades party; Cynthia's storyline continued to exist as she went wedding dress hunting while her mother and sister side-eyed at the idea of this runaway bride actually thinking she was making it to the alter with her Garrett Morris-looking husband.
This week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Weddings are planned, marriages collapse, and boos get checked as Cynthia meets her wedding planner along with her husband and her gay Jabba the Hut boyfriend while NeNe starts her new job and is offended that Gregg has violated her sense of privacy by putting their relationship business out in the street ALL THE WHILE BEING FILMED FOR THIS VERY REALITY SHOW and Dr. Tiy-E pretty much asks Sheree if he's been playing The Crying Game with her. Also, somebody gets jewelry on this show, and for once it's earned because they DIDN'T have sex.
On last week's Real Housewives of Atlanta: Cynthia got engaged in the most lackluster proposal ever while Sheree spun herself around the dancefloor for charity. Meanwhile, Kandi continued to complain about Kim being tardy with the payment over "Tardy for the Party." Kim spent $60,000 on her daughter's bedroom and then wondered why her other daughter had the least bit of jealousy issues stemming from it.
This week on the Real Housewives: Phaedra drops both a baby and the pretense of how far she's really along, Sheree's fake doctor gets called a spade when the ladies gather together to play spades, NeNe is working hard for her money by getting an entertainment gig because jank wigs and nose jobs don't pay for themselves.
Last week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Tackiness abounded as the ladies went into full length discussion about putting a little sugar in their bowls, Cynthia's old ass boyfriend went after NeNe's bedroom habits being the alleged cause of her marital problems, Kim continued to exist and apply make-up like a drag queen at her very first show, Phaedra split a pickle with her husband for a maternity photo shoot and Sheree continued to date her fake doctor of Ricki Lake origin because girlfriend needs a storyline. And we hope it will end with her going the hell off on somebody.
This week's episode: Kandi continues to get a passive-aggressive bitch edit, Kim gets a rid of a bunch of stuff in her storage unit (sadly none of this includes her collection of wigs), Phaedra gets in touch with her inner Oprah, Cynthia apparently had a baby with Black Jesus, and NeNe throws the world most awkward dinner party.
Last week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Phaedra hosted the greatest baby shower ever put on television, Sheree went to a seminar/date with her fake doctor boyfriend and his hairline of jankness, Cynthia proved to be actually interesting in her talking head interviews, NeNe got her plastic surgery on but still kept her orange Bieber cut, Dwight proved that he will wear anything and do anything to keep his pinched face in front of a camera, Kim desperately wants to be a two hit wonder and as always, nobody cares about Kandi.
Also, the gossip mags were all a-buzz that Kim maybe knocked-up. Or not. As humanity awaits what may be one of the sure signs of the apocalypse, the continuing procreation of one Kim "Tardy to the Plan-B Party" Zolciak, let's get to this week's episode of delusions, bad dates, and Phaedra being, well, Phaedra.
Real Housewives of NYC Ramona and her bug eyes welcome you!
Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kim and Kandi took their act on the road to the big White Party where Kandi continued to get this season's bitch edit while complaining about Kim's somehow shocking-to-her unprofessionalism while Kim decided to hit on a bunch of gay dudes.
Elsewhere, Phaedra continued to prove that she's the greatest addition to the show ever as she hurls inappropriate racial generalizations while also showing huge amounts of materialism without a trace of awareness that wanting her husband to buy her a bunch of gifts, when he seemingly has no means other than her own pocketbook, means you're buying gifts for yourself.
NeNe's dog took a shit in a diaper. This act remained vastly more interesting than Cynthia's non-storyline of her impending nuptials.
This week: Phaedra throws herself a baby shower because she's a Southern Lady and can do it herself like Scarlett fucking O'Hara ripping down the curtains and turning it into a dress. Which incidentally would've been better than what Phaedra wore. Lisa makes a cameo, Cynthia finally proves why she was cast on this show, and Dwight gets his weekly plastic surgery diss.
Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: We were introduced to new housewife Cynthia as she grasped for a storyline by endlessly talking about being a model as well as her many engagements, making us long for the days when season one DeShawn spent whole episodes looking for nannies, maids and GOVERNESSES for her children.
Also grasping for some airtime was Kandi who was bitching about not getting money for writing/producing Kim's "Tardy For the Party" and then performed at Cynthia's husband-to-be's supper club:
Sheree went out on a date with a doctor Tiy-E Muhammad who, according to reports, isn't even really a doctor though he was a "relationship expert" on The Ricki Lake Show so he might not be a real one but at least he played one on trash tv.
Phaedra spent the episode trying to money from her weed smoking clients and calling people "heffas," which is sort of mild for her.
Lastly, NeNe and her Justin Bieber Haircut of Righteous Indignation laid the smackdown on her son in epic fashion. She may be ghetto as a pitcher of red Kool-Aid served with some Popeye's chicken, but we have to give credit to NeNe for knowing how to deliver priceless moments.
This week's episode of Housewives we have Kim at the big ole White Party, Kandi's resentment over being reduced to back-up singer status, Sheree and Dwight confront each other over his alleged giving of $30,000, Cynthia's scenes that allow us to go have a bathroom break, and Phaedra's lip gloss coated racial insensitivity.
Welcome back for another edition of "Peach, Please" where we recap all of the hot ass mess that is the current season of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Last week, NeNe rocked a hoodrat, two-tone version of a Justin Bieber haircut while cussing out people, Kandi remained mush-mouthed and tedious, Sheree continued to have no self-awareness whatsoever, Kim classily said she had been "chasing dick" since birth, and new Housewife Phaedra harped about being a Southern Belle so much we half-expected her to own slaves.
This week on the Housewives, NeNe gets in touch with her inner Claire Huxtable, Sheree goes on a blind date so somebody can get in touch with her inner you-know-what, and, what can only be an emerging theme, everybody demonstrates how much they don't give two shits about Kandi.
Hello, y'all and welcome to the first edition of "Peach, Please," our weekly recap of the brand new season of that wig-pulling, boo checking, finances of dubious at best standing, and personal favorite of the Real Housewives series, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Every week we'll detail the fights, the makeups, the open containers of wine in vehicles and the extreme amount of nose contouring makeup as the women of the show simultaneously make us laugh, cry, cringe and generally feel better about our own lives.
Last season on Real Housewives of Atlanta people acted a mess:
Thankfully, since wrapping season 2 and the start of season 3, nobody has come down with a case of dignity.
Like most season premieres, whether they be scripted reality or just scripted, it was a lot of exposition heavy stuff to wade through like Season 2 castmember Lisa leaving the show, Sheree's latest "passion" which is now acting and of course Kim Z. momentarily becoming part of a league of their own with her fling with a lesbian producer. Somewhere Danielle Staub is raging because of the theft of her storyline she was planning if she was allowed within 50 feet of season 3 of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
We even got to meet one of the newest members of the nuthouse, attorney Phaedra.
Phaedra is the reason why they created the term "bougie," let's be honest. Her whole existence is one massive side eye situation as she works as a successful lawyer but is married to a convict, fine as he may be. She loves foie gras but can't pronounce it correctly. Her name is Phaedra and is named to a guy named Apollo (which where did they even fucking meet, a Black People with Ancient Names Speed Date?) but slings shade at people who name their child something other than Dick or Jane.
She also continues the horrendous trend infecting the black community of women with already plump as can be lips slathering it was with a top coat of whore gloss. Just stop my sistas. And that my friend is our obligatory PSA.
Speaking of horrendous styling choices, oh Kandi.
Your hair folicals at this point are about as dead as your former fiance AJ.
When not making us question whether or not her house has had its mirrors repossessed, Kandi went on a date so boring we're not even going to link to that scene. The highlight though was Kandi saying she was going to celibate and her ever classy football player date asked, ON CAMERA, if that ruled out oral sex.
Anyway, we can't help but love Phaedra. We will give her credit for this moment of absolute clarity about the financial situation of fellow Atlanta housewife Sheree and Dwight's alleged helping out with her fashion show, giving her some $30,000:
"This sounds like a matter for civil court. But you since you don't have a contract and she ain't go no money."
The truest statement said in the history of this franchise.
Of course, all of this was all foreplay to the grand ole fuckfest that was NeNe and Dwight yelling at each other because class be damned, WE HAVE A SHOW TO DO PEOPLE.
The thumbnail image above screams of, "WTF, I just came here to get some knockoff slingbacks and have some wine around strategetically blurred pieces of copyrighted artwork. I should've stayed at home and watched Fantasia For Real like I was intending to."
In other news from this episode, Kim remains a hot ass mess who continues her march towards becoming a human sex doll. She was sort of blah this episode so we're going to link to a snippet of her single "Google Me."
Which girl, singer/former Chris Brown jump off Teyana Taylor did this "better" and by better we mean relatively less awful.
Sheree continues to find new heights (or depths depending on your vantage point) of delusions, this time positioning herself as an "actress" which will probably go as well as her stint as a "fashion designer" judging by this show stopping "performance." (Aw how we love quotes of facetiousness, don't you?)
Oh, it's so nice to have you housewives back. Check in with us next week and we now leave you, in honor of the title of this week's episode title, Patti Labelle (and her hair that makes Kandi's look subtle in comparison) singing "New Attitude."
