Last week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Tackiness abounded as the ladies went into full length discussion about putting a little sugar in their bowls, Cynthia's old ass boyfriend went after NeNe's bedroom habits being the alleged cause of her marital problems, Kim continued to exist and apply make-up like a drag queen at her very first show, Phaedra split a pickle with her husband for a maternity photo shoot and Sheree continued to date her fake doctor of Ricki Lake origin because girlfriend needs a storyline. And we hope it will end with her going the hell off on somebody.
This week's episode: Kandi continues to get a passive-aggressive bitch edit, Kim gets a rid of a bunch of stuff in her storage unit (sadly none of this includes her collection of wigs), Phaedra gets in touch with her inner Oprah, Cynthia apparently had a baby with Black Jesus, and NeNe throws the world most awkward dinner party.
Are you ready for the recap Andy Cohen?
Well let's get to it!
Here is one thing that we love about Bravo and all of the Real Housewives franchises: if you've get the favorable edit one year, you are all but certain to get a horrendous bitch edit the following year. Without fail, it's one of the most awesomely consistent things about any of the various franchises; you can almost set your clock to when somebody is about to be thrown under the editing bus.
Jill Zarin of Real Housewives of NYC had it happen to her as well as NeNe the second season of Real Housewives of Atlanta. And guess who is getting the bitch edit this season? Our favorite R&B singer of highly dubious hairstyling choices, Kandi.
Now admittedly working with Kim would drive us crazy, especially when it comes to getting her to put down her wine and sing into a mic.
But really? She didn't pay you for "Tardy For the Party," made you a glorified back-up singer for the White Party a couple episodes ago, and now you're going to produce another record for her? Reeks of "desperate for a storyline" and "producer manipulation." Which we are fine with here, since we don't tune into this show to because of its firm grip on reality. We're just sad that Kandi has so embraced the stupidity and have given the producers ample material to work with to make you like a bitch:
Is Kim's work ethic shamefully awful? No diggity, no doubt. Do you have every right to be frustrated by her? Yep. But is the song you gave her awful and purposefully written out of her range just to be sort of a bitch?
And while busily not prepping her vocals for Kandi, Kim was also throwing a garage sale for all her buckets of crap.
Kim hilariously had her assistant named Sweetie refill her coffee cup with wine as she stressed about her father giving away all of her expensive crap AS IF SHE ACTUALLY PAID FOR IT.
Whitney Houston, for one, is dubious about this notion.
Next up, the gift that keeps on giving that is Phaedra decides to turn one of her scenes this week to make a bid to be a talk show host:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's superficially about Phaedra helping former Destiny's Child back-up singer LaTavia put together a one woman show but the whole thing reeks of "I WANT TO BE ON OPRAH'S NEW NETWORK. OR BET. OR UNIVISION. I DON'T CARE."
When reached for comment about LaTavia's proposed one woman show, all Beyonce could say was:
Also, Phaedra and her pregnancy continues to be a bigger mystery on this show than what Paul Young is up to on this season of Desperate Housewives
When Kim, who couldn't spell cat correctly in season one, is able to see through your multiple layers of bullshit, you are in trouble Phaedra.
The thing is we can't even be mad about Phaedra and her plethora of lies. They are what makes her the entertaining piece of H.A.M. who throws bougie baby showers with a dress code or has never met a single social event that she couldn't throw shade at. She's one-upped the Countess from the NYC Housewives because her delusions are so expansive and she reigns over them with such an iron fest, Phaedra is the Queen of Utter and Total Bullshit.
I mean, are we really supposed to believe that a baby being born allegedly 2 to 3 months early is weighing in at 9 lbs.?
And from a housewife we rewind to a housewife we fast forward through, Cynthia actually made us pay attention to her this week due to the presence of her daughter's father, Leon. You may know him as BLACK JESUS from Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video.
Madonna - Like A Prayer Official from eliazar rodriguez on Vimeo.
Apparently when he isn't coming alive in churches, Leon is coming... Oh we are not even going to finish that joke. Cynthia and Leon have a daughter together and actually have one of the more adult, mature relationships we've ever seen on any reality show.
On the completely opposite side of this, Cynthia got to witness a couple at their worst when she attended a small dinner party thrown by NeNe and Gregg. We don't exactly know why, outside of a producer mandate, Cynthia and in extension Peter would put themselves through an evening with a warring couple. The bottom of the invitation probably said:
While at the dinner party, Cynthia got a front row seat to NeNe doing an all African-American version of Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf
You think I'm kidding aren't you?
Totally the same. Except Elizabeth Taylor as Martha is infinitely more coherent and better dressed than NeNe and that tragedy of an outfit.
We're sad about what has happened with NeNe and Gregg's relationship since he seemed like such a strong partner in both season one and two when dealing with NeNe's search for her biological father. Maybe they'll work it out. There have been worse reality show relationships that have survived:
And with that, we end this week's "Peach, Please." Join us next week when Sheree makes a triumphant return and hopefully humiliates herself in the process by doing a Dancing With Local Stars competition.