SO Dancing with the Stars is an inherently awful show filled with terrible costuming, beyond awkward dancing, stab-yourself-in-the-ear karaoke versions of songs, and annoying personalities that are constantly shoved in the face of the viewing public and told we're supposed to like them, really, really like them. Oh wait, I think I may have just lapsed into describing Glee but no matter, it still seems to be a suitable description for the clusterfuck of twirls and glitter that makes up a season of Dancing With the Stars as has-beens and never-was stars cha-cha, tango, paso doble, and other dance moves away through weeks of competition to win the glory that is the mirrorball trophy that makes Lady GaGa's discostick look like the picture of restraint and subtlety.
This season had, as per usual, a whole lot of people who got our reaction of either, "They're still alive" or "I need to Wikipedia them" as people like Michael Bolton, who built a career on ripping off Black people's music but sadly could not muster the resolve to rip off their stereotypical sense of rhythm; David Hasselhoff, who probably had a flask hidden underneath to swig between turns; Mike "The Situation" from Jersey Shore, who probably skipped over Bristol and made a beeline to her mother; Florence Henderson, who was like the sane version of Cloris Leachman; Margaret Cho, who did this show to further prove that she can out-gay Kathy Griffin one shitty reality show at a time; Audrina Patridge of The Hills fame, who danced somewhat decently after years of learning how to maintain one's balance while riding somebody's coattails; Rick Fox, who is dating poor man's Jessica Alba Eliza Dushku; Kurt Warner, who we couldn't even care enough to Wikipedia what football he was once on; Kyle Massey, who proves that not all Disney Channel kids end up with horse teeth, cutting issues or successful careers; Brandy, who has never met a jank lacefront wig she didn't want to trot out; and Jennifer Grey, who we love not just for Dirty Dancing but for stupidly plastic surgery-ing herself out of a career. Whew, that's a whole lot of flopping career prospects isn't it?
Anyway, the main storyline of the season has been Bristol Palin and her ability to stay in this competition and the various theories that have abounded. Most of them focus on the Palins and their connection to the Tea Party as people believe that they were voting in mass to keep her on the show. We personally believe that this discounts the fervent teen mom demographic who probably were texting away while trying to land auditions for 16 and Pregnant. For whatever reason, Bristol stayed and eliminated fan favorite Brandy, who was booted from the show and back to that sad reality show with her sextape-having brother Ray J.
Death threats, conspiracy theories and ten thousand yards of fringe and sparkle later, we finally got to the final show last night. This brings us to today's Mixtape as we take on the final three performers as well as the WTF-fest that was the bloated corpse that currently is post-divorce, pre-Jenny Craig endorsement Christina Aguilera and her performances last night.
First up and first eliminated last night, Bristol Palin who performed dances to songs like "You Can't Hurry Love" and "Mama Don't Told Me Not To Come" which we assume were part of her whole abstinence campaign. Maybe? Anyway, we're still disappointed that sort of media savvy Bristol Palin didn't perform a dance to "Papa Don't Preach."
Is it ridiculously on-the-nose? YES. But if the monster that was Kate Gosselin can not-so-much-dance-as-clomp-around-the-stage to Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi," we can't see why Bristol can't use Madonna's tune to further anti-teen pregnancy/pro-life agenda while giving us lots of LULZ.
We always enjoyed how big of a fail that Kate was that the audience applauded her ability to simply remember to MOVE.
Coming in second is third/fourth tier Disney Star Kyle Massey. We actually don't have anything against him because That's So Raven was one of our favorite shows to play drinking games to in college. We're just saddened that he didn't use the platform of Dancing With the Stars to help revive Raven's career by doing one of her stunning, flawless, amazing, better than Miranda Cosgrove tunes.
In the midst of the two hour show, TWO HOURS PEOPLE, Christina Aguilera was wheeled out to do some performances. First up, a number from Burlesque:
She sounded good, if out of breath. But girl, your face and your outfit. You're starting the number in front of a bunch of mirrors, and you never turned to look at yourself in them? REALLY?
We've always enjoyed your sort of gleeful embracing of looking like a low-rent pornstar or high class drag queen, but you've officially started to cross into Anne Nicole Smith area of not-giving-a-fuck.
And before get all mad at us for judging her appearance and calling us sexist for judging her for her weight gain, hold the eff up. When you spend part of your career prancing around in chaps and a bra and posing on Rolling Stone with just a guitar, you invite that sort of criticism about your weight since you've made your appearance integral to your whole being. Really, it just speaks to the shitty quality of your management and your lack of any true sassy gay friends to steer you in the right direction.
Christina also dusted off "Beautiful" to sing.
Oh Christina Aguilera and show. We have no problem with sign language. It's a beautiful language? Maybe? What we have a problem we have with it is that shows ONLY ever trot it out for feel good numbers about coming together as a totally crass play on emotions. I mean, we would've given the show infinite amount of points if like when Enrique Iglesias was getting his "I Like It" they had some Jersey Shore guido next to him doing sign language between fist pumps. Brilliant television would've been brilliant.
After seemingly ten thousand years, Jennifer Grey was crowned the winner of this season of Dancing With the Stars to the surprise of pretty much no one. We hope that she takes her big tacky trophy and beats the crap out of the Black Eyed Peas with it.
Here's hoping that the ghost of Patrick Swayze comes back and goes all Roadhouse on Will.I.Am and crew. YOU'RE ON NOTICE.
And that's it for today's Mixtape. Check back in with us tomorrow when we detail all the things we're thankful for in our special Happy Blogsgiving mixtape. As always, peace, love and downloads.