Gleecap - Beach Blanket Glee Club

Hey Gleeks Hey! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you RECAP REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Kingdom's Gleecap, where we watch "Glee" so you don't have to let plotlines get in the way of the musical numbers. Just like the writers! "Glee" is still on hiatus until April, which has sort of left us in a bit of lurch in terms of recapping things. But you know how stunning, flawless, amazing we are? We can recap an episode that didn't even happen. Oh yeah, that's right Gleeks. Put down those slushies and tots and get ready as we give you some NEW GLEE REALNESS to help tide you over until the show comes back with new episodes, new albums, and new storylines to periodically drop and pick up at will.

On the last episode of "Glee," Rachel continued to get in touch with her inner Carole King by delivering yet another stunning masterpiece called "Only Child" while the rest of the Glee club kids busily worked on their own tunes like Puck's ode to Lauren's obesity titled "Big Ass Heart," which somehow to her was less offensive than "Big Bottomed Girl," and Santana wrote a loving homage to Sam's famously large grin in her jazzy ode titled "Trouty Mouth." Rachel, after clashing with Quinn over their mutual love for Finn, delivered with "Get It Right" while the rest of the Glee club wrote their song "Loser Like Me." Why they gave Rachel the solo on it after episode after episode about the club bitching about Rachel getting all the solos we're not quite sure. What we are sure of is that in order for Blaine to make out with Kurt, a canary had to die. We wonder what poor creature will be sacrificed when the duo want to go to second base. Lastly, Sue lost control of her damn mind after Aural Intensity failed to win at Regionals and ended up punching the Lt. Gov.'s wife in the face in front of an auditorium of people.

And this is where we pick up the episode as Sue Sylvester sits in a jail cell, her track suits of psychopathic determination traded a jumpsuit of prison colors. Sue holds onto the bars of her jail cell as an a capella version of "Cell Block Tango" is being hummed in the background by the Warblers as the show slow dissolves into Sue's eye as she remembers the events that have brought her to this point.

Flashing back to Regionals, Sue was placed under arrest not only for punching the Lt. Gov.'s wife but also for attempted murder for pushing the original Aural Intensity coach down a flight of step. Grimacing as she usually does, Sue demanded to be let out of the back of the police car as it "smelled like a Wal-Mart" and asked to see the Principal at Aural Intensity's school. In a cameo appearance, Coldplay's Chris Martin appeared and asked what the matter was. Sue, annoyed beyond belief, whispers that she thought they had a deal about nobody pursuing charges. In a mangled American accent of unknown origins, Principal Chris Martin tells Sue they weren't going to prosecute UNLESS she lost. And she did. "So have fun at whatever men's prison they mistakenly take you to."

We cut back to a grimacing Sue as she thinks about how nobody would bail her out, not even her mother who was back to hunting Nazis. "What do you mean she's hunting Nazis?" Sue yells. "She got the last Nazi." The police officer: "She said she's now moved onto hunting nit picky people who are referred to as Nazis." We also get a quick flash of Sue's sidekick Becky being carted off to juvenile hall for trying to smuggle a saw into the prison. Police officer to Sue: "You need to tell your little minion that if she gonna sneak stuff in, she best not use it as the cake decoration."

Sue is snapped out of her sorrow momentarily when a lady prisoner taps her on the shoulder, asking her if she's Sue Sylvester, the coach of Aural Intensity. Proudly nodding her head, Sue never sees it coming as the prisoner stabs her repeatedly on the side, screaming, "You made them lose! You messed up my show choir competition bracket!" GLEE title screen.

We cut over to a far happier place known as Lima's YMCA as Rachel is feverishly putting together the final touches of the center's big pool party for Spring Break. Rachel explains to one of the helpers that her two dads have been a lot of help since they went as Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon just a few years ago for Halloween. Anyway, Rachel has decided to focus on the afterglow of winning Regionals and throwing herself into some good deeds instead of her still simmering feelings for Finn. Feelings that she is totally over until Frankenteen comes lumbering into the center.

Rachel: Finn, why are you here? You don't even like the song "YMCA."

Finn explains that working on the project would be a great way to help score some extra credit points for one of his social study classes that gives extra credit for volunteering. We pull in close on Finn's face as the show flashes back to the real reason why he's here as Quinn is feverishly packing to go to Toledo to look at prom dresses and get some plastic surgery to remove the last lingering amounts of stretch marks. Finn, in a mad panic to avoid accompanying Quinn on her venture, blurts out he's helping at the YMCA during Spring Break so he can't help her.

And while Quinn is out of sight, she's not out of mind or sound as she calls Finn from one of the prom shops as Rachel and Finn stand together awkwardly. As Finn wanders off on his telephone, we cue up our first musical number of the night as Rachel bursts into a rendition of Kate Nash's "Do Wah Do" from her second album "My Best Friend is You."

As soon as Rachel finishes the last line of, "Well I think she's a bitch," Finn hangs up the phone, he asks her what he can do. Rachel suggests he can blow up some balloons, shifting her body just enough to obscure a tank of helium that's been provided for the occasion.

We cut over to McKinley High, where Santana, Sam, Brittany, Artie and all those other New Directions members who never get storylines are hanging out. Santana is in full pop star mode as she twirls about the gym to a dance remix of "Trouty Mouth," much to the chagrin of Sam who has now fashioned a "HELL NO" t-shirt for the occasion. Due to a lack of being able to find a camera they could put on wheels, they have strapped a digital camera on Artie and have Brittany pushing him around. Sam interrupts this music video shoot to cry out that he really can't have a video about the alleged fish nature of his mouth.

Sam: You can't make fun of me al over YouTube about something I can't change.

Santana: You're not going to start like singing "Born This Way" are you, Pouty Trout?

Sam: You can't do this!

Santana: You can't stop me.

This leads us to our next musical performance as Santana does her own rendition of Sarah Barielles' "King of Anything."

Over in the land of Warblers, Kurt, Blaine and the rest of crew from Songwarts are being driven around by Burt Hummel as they've decided to work on their performing techniques by doing a tour of senior citizen homes.

Kurt: You'd think with all the homes we've gone to we'd find Lima's own Dororthy Zbornak.
Blaine: Well there was that one guy who liked to wear moo-moos, but his voice wasn't deep enough.

The duo hold hands until Burt loudly clears his voice as the group arrives at their next destination, a retirement home called The Bitter End.

Kurt: Is this a retirement home or a statement about Christina Aguilera's career?

The Warblers shuffle in and do a reprise of "Teenage Dream" for the group of elderly residents.

The reaction is less than enthusiastic as there is a small smattering of applause and one particularly crotchety old man hurls a bowl of tapioca pudding at Blaine, yelling, "I wanted to hear 'I Gotta Feeling' you bastards!"

We come back from a commercial break as Kurt is in the bathroom with Blaine, helping him clean off some of the tapioca.

"I guess that's like the old person version of throwing a slushie."

"This is humiliating," Blaine sighs. "This tour was a bad idea. We've had tapioca thrown at us. There was the old lady with Parkinson who gave us a shaky middle finger. And then there was that guy who keeled over during our Pink medley."

"Some people just really don't like 'Stupid Girls,'" Kurt surmises. "But we have each other. That's what is making this the best Spring Break ever."


"Of course."

Kurt leans his head on Blaine and starts singing a version of Rufus Wainwright's "In My Arms" from his debut album.

We cut back over to the YMCA where Finn is continuing to blow up balloons and briefly passes out onto the ground. Rachel, along with Emma and Dentist Carl who are chaperoning this event as some weird form of reconnecting with one another, rush to Finn's aid as he talks about feeling lightheaded.

Emma: Finn, what's two plus two?

Finn: A duck

Emma: Oh good, you're fine. Why were you blowing up all the balloons without the helium?

Finn: We had helium?

Emma, Dentist Carl, Finn all turn their heads to Rachel. "I thought it'd be greener this way?"

We jump cut to the two of them yelling at each other as Finn is wondering what's happening to them since at one point they were in love and now they are somewhere else. This leads us to our next musical performance as the duo launches into Alphabeat's "What is Happening" from their album "This is Alphabeat."

The end up in a near kiss before Finn's phone rings. It's Quinn. Of course. You didn't think it was going to be that easy did you?

We cut back over to Santana at McKinley High, all by her lonesome. In the span of an hour, she has managed to piss off everybody who tried to help her with music video: telling Puck that since he's had a vasectomy he wasn't man enough to be her love interest, referring to Mercedes and Lauren as two tons of fun, shoving Artie and his wheelchair into the bleachers when he continues to mess up his angles, and telling Sam he's the worse muse ever since Lindsay Lohan wrote that song about her father issues. Crying by herself, Santana looks at the mess she's made with lashing out all the people trying to be decent to her as we go to commercial.

We come back to the YMCA, where Dentist Carl and Emma are starting to mill about as people slowly start to filter into the pool party. Emma, for one, is completely on edge because pool parties are "just a petri of teenage hormones" and prays that this party is the root of some future meningitis outbreak. Dentist Carl pulls Emma aside to tell her that everything is going to be fine. She's a good guidance counselor. "It's mostly the pamphlets that do the heavy lifting," Emma sighs. Dentist Carl wraps his arms around Emma and tells her how happy he is to be with her again and hums, "Don't Worry Baby."

Elsewhere at the pool party, Finn and Rachel are seeing each other. They look nervously at each other and Rachel says, "I'm sorry that I caused you to temporarily black out." Finn says, "The doctor says there isn't any noticeable brain damage." The two get closer to each other as the sound of Dentist Carl singing continues to play in the background of the scene. "You look like Annette Funicello," he says lovingly as he looks at Rachel in her polka dot one-piece bathing suit. Rachel looks shocked and says, "How do you know?" Finn: "I used to fall asleep to the Disney Channel all the time as a kid." Rachel tells him that she's glad that he got some therapy to deal with his body issues that flared up during Rocky Horror and now can proudly walk around in his swim trucks without a shirt. "They made me look at a lot of issues of 'Details' magazine. It was like I guess immersion therapy or something. Whatever, Kurt was happy when I gave him all the copies."

"I KNEW IT!" shrieks a voice in the background as the camera slowly pans to reveal Quinn. "I know that if I left you here, Gollum would totally try to make a move on you."

Rachel runs off but Quinn follows her as everybody is watching the catfight continue, with Quinn trying to rip Rachel's bathing suit to pieces. Some of the New Directions people along with Dentist Carl try to stop Quinn, but Quinn manages to knock Brittany into the deep end of the pool. Nobody, at first, notices that Brittany is not returning to the surface as the show goes to commercial.

We come back as the argument still going on when somebody realizes that Brittany is now at the bottom of the pool. Out of nowhere, Santana goes diving into the pool and pulls Brittany to the surface.

Brittany: What happened?

Santana: You almost drowned.

Brittany: But I'm half mermaid.

Santana: What?

Brittany: I'm half-mermaid. I brush my hair with a fork all the time.

Rachel has secluded herself in another area of the YMCA as Finn comes to find her, letting her know that he's deeply sorry for Quinn's behavior. "Those drugs for her plastic surgery have crazy side effects I guess." Telling Rachel that he's going to go take Quinn home, Rachel asks how he could choose such a horrible person to be with.

Rachel: I don't think she's even a person. She's a wolf in Gap clothing.
Finn: Because I really like her, in spite of it all. She can be great.

Rachel turns her back and starts giving some TEARS IN THE EYE REALNESS as she begins to sing Lady GaGa's tune "Wonderful."

We end the episode back at the pool party as Kurt and Blaine show up to join everybody. Kurt gives Rachel a hug and tells her to cheer up.

Kurt: Despite being totally devoid of pretty much all social skills, you actually pulled off this party.
Rachel: Kurt, that's one of the sweetest things anybody has ever said to me.
Kurt: Don't worry about Finn. It's Spring Break. It's time for an escapade.

We end the episode with a New Directions version of  Janet Jackson's "Escapade."

And that, my lovelies, is our recap of a fake episode of "Glee." See you all for an actual Gleecap when Glee returns April 13th!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I loved this! Everyone was very in-character, and there were some extremely funny lines.