The Majak Mixtape - This Mixtape is an All Skate

Happy Thirsty Thursday Mixtapers! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you ALL SKATE REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes to learn how to limbo while on wheels. It's Thursday and you know what that means? Well besides another night of drinking and karaoke at Recovery Room. Yes mixtapers, it's another edition of Throwback Thursday, where the nostalgia floods our consciousness like the Mississippi River during a spring thaw. We've served all kinds of THROWBACK REALNESS with mixtapes devoted to the magic of 1990s teen comedy soundtracks, the sarcastic glory of "Daria," and last week we got our bewitched, bothered and bewildered on as we honored the genius that was "Teen Witch."

Today, we're lacing up our potato skates and hitting the floor as we salute our most favorite activity from our childhood, only second to drinking pop and Pop Rocks at the same, roller skating. We spent many a weekend in our elementary school days skating about the glorious blue-tinted floor of one High Rollers in La Crosse. In honor of this, we're putting together a mixtape that salutes the glory of the roller rink.

But before we get on the rink floor and battle for some free Italian ice from the concession stand, let us:

First up, Food Network personality Ina Garten just got served a big heaping dish of HELL TO THE NO from the family of the cancer kid who she had turned down twice but then had a change of heart/rework of schedule/come to Jesus meeting with Food Network executives. In what is turning into one of our favorite stories of the past few weeks, Ina Garten's attempt at redeeming herself in the public eye for seemingly snubbing a dying kid's Make-a-Wish has hit a major snag in the way of the kid's parents saying no to the "Barefoot Contessa" and her recent offer to cook with the kid at Food Network Studios.

The father spoke to TMZ and said that they wanted to just move on from the situation and their kid, Enzo, had moved onto his make-a-wish dream of swimming with the dolphins. There is something incredibly inspired about pretty much letting Ina be flogged by the public at large and then turn down her invitation/stab at good press.

It makes us think that this whole thing was a scheme by Guy Fieri to get even more camera time on the Food Network by knocking Ina and her big ole bag of good vanilla off the channel. We know it's probably a totally invalid theory with no concrete evidence to support it, but this is America and we thrive on conspiracy theories of dubious at best origins.

Next up, Miley Cyrus is throwing shade at people who have gained popularity through YouTube because, you know, Cyrus is the picture of pulling one's self up by your own boot straps. That were purchased by your famous country singer father. Anyway, Ms. Cyrus was interviewed by the "Australia Daily Telegraphy" and came up with this gem of a critique by saying, "You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go on tour." Did you impart this opinion to Justin Bieber when you were making a guest appearance in that documentary of his? We just think it's hilarious that Miley's getting all out of sorts and talking about how it "should be harder to be an artist" than it is now since this takes such absurd degrees of unself-awareness about her own rise to fame that we're just going to believe that Miley is just trolling us all with these comments.

In other stars needing to look at their life, look at their choices, Enrique Iglesias has opted out of being on Britney Spears' upcoming tour because the idea of being her opening act is too humiliating for his ego according to a report from TMZ. Really? That's going to hurt your ego. Shouldn't you be feeling worse that the big reason you've had something resembling a career comeback is because of MTV's "The Jersey Shore"? Like seriously, think about it. Snookie's poof saved your career. We're gonna need you to sit down Enrique. All the way down.

And that, my Mixtapers, is the tea for today. Continue reading to get your roller skate realness on!

Hey Mixtapers! Thanks for continuing reading! Welcome to the Majak Kingdom Roller Rink of Extraganza Eleganza Proportions. We've got all the skates to rent, skee-ball to play, and greasy pizza to eat as we spin the tunes that'll be having you go right round the roller rink like a record baby. You can put your stuff in one of lovely lockers to side and even take a photo with your friend in our photo booth. To all the fellas, we suggest you NOT try to pee at the urinal while roller skating if you're still uneasy on your feet. And remember, be kind to your fellow roller skaters when you're out on the rink as we have a variety of skills being exhibited. As always, we hope you have fun so let us start the music!

First up is Bizarre Inc. and their tune "I'm Gonna Get You Baby."

Has a song about basically stalking a person ever been this jubiliant? It proves our theory that nothing can remotely sound terribly serious if put to a house beat. We remember spending many a time circling around the rink to dance-heavy grooves of the early 1990s before Kurt Cobain and grunge music came storming into the mix to filter fun through the magic of plaid. Twenty years since the beginning of the 1990s, we're in the midst of a dance revival, which is either an awesome or terrible thing depending on your perspective. The one thing we did miss from the 1990s is that, in spite of the fact that is heavily focused on sort of personality-free singers, a lot of house music was filled with big voices as opposed to the anemic voices that populate Top 40 radio now.

How can you forget someone like Robin S., who came to snatch wigs with her song "Show Me Love"?

Or CeCe Peniston's classic track "Finally."

And we roller skated the living hell out of anything that Martha Wash's vocals on them, like Black Box and their song "Strike It Up."

But rollerskating wasn't all about the house music. There was plenty of other cheesy music that got people to report to the roller rink like Callaway and their song "I Want To Be Rich."

Or The Jets and their song "Crush on You."

Or Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam's hit "Head to Toe."

We interrupt this all skate to turn on the police sirens because it's time for the obligatory playing of the GHOSTBUSTERS THEME SONG.

And we're not the only ones who enjoy roller skating. Below, The Rapture and their song "Get Myself Into It."

And Jessica Simpson and her tune "A Public Affair."

And that's today's edition of Throwback Thursday y'all. AS always we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE DANCE MUSIC!

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