4/1/11

The Majak Mixtape - This Mixtape, For Once, Was Blinded By Science and Not Mace


Happy April Fools Day Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you NEW ENERGY REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it gets mad that it got stuck with the lame-ass power of heart from Gaia.

A few weeks ago, the bright minds here at the Majak Mixtape solved the Wisconsin budget shortfall with one simple word: telethon. With the fine hosting duties of Topher Grace at the helm and wide variety of talent in our midst, we telethoned for our lives. Not ones to rest on our laurels, we soon decided to turn our attention to something else we can fix. We can't help it. We like to fix things. It's what happens when you watch an abundance of HGTV in your developing years.

Anyway, we, like pretty much everybody else in the world, have had our attention affixed on the Japan earthquake/tsunami/nuclear disaster. The disaster has put the viability of nuclear power back as a huge topic of discussion as people continue to wonder about different energy sources to help power the world. We here at the Mixtape, desperate to both help the world and get our hands on one of those Nobel Prizes before we turn 30, have come up with a variety of alternative energy resources by way of pop culture.

But before we get to all of that, let us first look back at:






The week began with Lady GaGa turning 25 and throwing a birthday bash. "American Idol" runner-up and guyliner aficionado Adam Lambert apparently showed up to Lady GaGa's festivities all kinds of drunk and promptly punched a hole in the wall at the restaurant they were at. KRIS ALLEN WOULD NEVER. Mainly because he would be too busy refilling people's glasses and wiping off tables. BUT STILL. The Glambert took to his Twitter, of course, to proclaim: " Was trying for celebratory gesture 4 gaga's B- piƱata style...instead my fist is all bruised and la cita has a hole in the ceiling. #sloppy." Nothing says HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL quite like property damage, right?

Elsewhere, tennis star David Ferrer tried to hit a baby with a tennis ball. Yes, that sentence actually happened. The tennis star was in the midst of playing a match when the sound of a baby crying pierced through the silence of the crowd. Being the totally reasonable person that David Ferrer is, he ignored the baby and continued on with the game. Oh wait, no he didn't. He lobbed a ball into the stands in the general direction of the baby because that's what a classy player does. We get it Ferrer. We routinely try not to get seated next to children in restaurant and pretty much find any youth under the age of 21 to be totally useless, but physical violence is never the answer. When there are a bunch of witnesses.

Speaking of bad boys named David, this week saw "Bones" star David Boreanaz settling a sexual harassment lawsuit with an extra from the show. Boreanaz allegedly told the actress that she could make things happen for her career if she gave him sexual favors and sent her several inappropriate text messages and a photo of his peen. Another successful graduate of the Brett Favre School of Wooing Women apparently.

In other legal news, Lindsay Lohan's jewelry store battle continues to get more screwy every week as the store in question continues to try to make itself the shiftiest victim ever to grace the planet. Showing that every moment is merely an opportunity to make some cash, Kamofie & Company are now charging $2.99 to people who want to few the surveillance tape of Lindsay Lohan in their store. We're not quite sure what is sadder: the company doing this or this being the closest to a featured role Lindsay's had in a long time.

Please continue reading for all the science realness!

Welcome to the Majak Mixtape Laboratories otherwise known as 2M. The scientists have been working at a feverish pace, finding all sorts of ways to harness pop culture into credible alternative energy resources. Oh yeah, we've been popping test tubes and snatching beakers left and right! We're not saying that things have gone 100 percent smoothly and some depending lawsuits keep us from going into full detail about things but we like to offer our deepest condolences to the scientists who were injured while trying to distill the power of Charlie Sheen's crazy, the Lohans' dysfunctional family dynamics and the Kardashians' baby voices into something that could be great energy resources. We thank you for all of your kind service and hope the pudding served in the ICU is delicious!

But we can't mourn our fallen comrades to long. Just like how you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet, sometimes you got to mortally wound a few scientists in order to make a breakthrough. And we've made a bunch of breakthroughs the past few weeks as our scientists have been spending night and day testing and testing things to come up with some great new discoveries. Here is just a smidgen of some the exciting new things that we've been able to come up with!

It was from the mind of one of our newest editions to 2M that the idea to try to harness the power of Lady GaGa's pretentious nature. It was one day,while touring the lab, that the young man turned to me and said, "Lady GaGa is one of the greenest artists out there; there isn't a Madonna motif or Ace of Base beat she hasn't found unfit to recycle." Genius, absolute genius. We'll admit, getting Lady GaGa to 2M was difficult until we let her people know that we created an entirely new food group just for her to wear. Faster than you can stutter "p-p-p-pokerface," Lady GaGa was in our clutches. I mean, at 2M. We drew some blood while Lady GaGa sang her song "Born This Way," one of the greatest examples of her pretentiousness. As she babbled on about its empowering message and how it's the greatest tune ever, we soon discovered that entire state of New York City could run just on the bullshit of one GaGa interview.

GaGa bless us with a country version of "Born This Way" before leaving, because no other genre quite embraces gay rights quite the fervor of country music.

GaGa, while stumbling out in her 14 inch high platform shoes, insisted that this was country. We, in return, insisted that it was bad Bon Jovi.

Our next test subject was Fox News analyst Glenn Beck. We tried several ways to get him to the studio like stealing his chalkboard, but we discovered all it took was sending him a message saying we had a photo of the continent of Africa literally giving birth to a baby Obama who came out of the womb doing the Black Power symbol and smoking a doobie. With lightening speed, Mr. Beck was at our lab and quickly locked into one of our observational rooms. We pumped in the smell of garlic and like magic, a river of tears came from Glenn Beck's eyes. He cries better than anybody we've ever performed experiments on. I mean, had the pleasure of jointly working together on science projects with.

After five hours, an exhausted and we're pretty sure complete dehydrated Glenn Beck dropped to ground and started singing:

After some much needed Gatarade and a nap, we soon put Glenn Beck on a bike to test his endurance. At first he was incredibly slow until one of our scientists had the bright idea of placing a photo of the American flag in front of him and a gay interracial couple holding a baby in a Che Guevera t-shirt behind him. He peddled like nobody's business after that!


After Glenn Beck left, in entered Naima Adedapo, a season 10 contestant on "American Idol." We had quickly come to realize that Naima's incredibly misplace sense of confidence, talent and originality could be used to at least power some of New York City's outer boroughs. Some people disagreed with me. They scoffed at this notion. Yes, they said, she's a little kooky but does she bring the crazy enough for us to even bother. After stabbing that insubordinate employee with a slide ruler, I led the rest of the scientists to my office to watch a video of Naima's interesting version of "Umbrella."

While some of my scientists continued to scoff and said it didn't reach the levels of Sanjaya, I trotted out the next video from this week's "American Idol." For reasons probably known to Naima, she managed to hear Elton John's song "I'm Still Standing" and thought it'd completely lend itself perfectly to reggae. WITH reggae accent included.

Naima is now a permanent resident at 2M after she was eliminated last night from "American Idol."

It was in the midst of this, one of the scientists asked why we didn't try to use the power of Rebecca Black's overnight celebrity as fuel. I had to tell the inquisitive soul that we couldn't use Rebecca Black because her whole existence is actually a top secret experiment being done by the C.I.A. Ark Music Factory? A complete front. "Friday"? Secret code for operations to track down Osama Bin Laden.

We barely had time to get Naima settled into her padded room before "Grey's Anatomy" creator Shonda Rhimes showed up. We figured her ability to exert such energy to write the blinding awfulness of the "Grey's Anatomy: The Music Event" had to be used for some actual good. Or at least get her away from a TV backlot and a computer screen. As Shonda babbled on about McDreamy this and McDreamy that, we guided her to the crap writers wing of the Laboratory. The sheer power of Shonda Rhimes', Stephenie Meyers', Dan Brown's, and Nicholas Sparks' writing could keep most of the Midwest in power for at least a decade. Shonda argued that she shouldn't be considered a bad writer. We, in turn, showed her a clip from the musical episode of Grey's.


"That?" Shonda said. "That is terrible. I'll lock the door behind me."

Our most volatile idea but the one with the most potential power is the energy exerted by reality show stars, particularly when they get into fights. With the plethora of shows available, we here at 2M believe that the world really could just run on the fumes of their stank attitude since it comes in such abundance.








All we have to supply is lacefront glue and rail vodka and everything is golden.

And that are just a few of our ideas from the 2M Lab. As always we wish you love, peace and downloads! BRING ON THE DRAG QUEEN REALNESS!

1 comment:

Vicki said...

Naima got on my last nerve this week with that Reggae rendition. Bye! See ya! She has some talent with that husky Donna Summer voice quality, but she never sang a decent song.
I was blown away by Fantasia. She filled up the stage with star power and I really loved her new song and I wont go there regarding her weight gain. She was the best thing that night, to grace the stage.
What up with Britney??? Someone put her out of her misery!