Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee: Hot Ass Mess With a Side of WTF

"I put these in the refrigerator to bring them to room temperature."
Welcome to another edition of "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee" where we take on Food Network's Sandra Lee and her 70 percent store bought, ready-made/30 percent fresh ingredients and creative touches philosophy also known simply as semi-homemade.

To be honest, the craziness which happens on an episode by episode basis on Semi-Homemade from her hanging chandeliers from trees for picnics to her random proclamations that people love to fold napkins to her pouring a glass of Hypnotiq over some ice and calling it a cocktail, it's a bit of an overwhelming smorgasboard of brilliance.

Today we're going to dig into all of the various main dishes and sides that have populated the Semi-Ho universe over the years.

We caution you that you may need some Pepto to get through this whole post so consider yourself warned.

First up, Sandra Lee, dressed head to cameltoe in white, works the grill to put together a BBQ Chicken Pizza with green apple slices.
This embodies so many things that is wonderful about Sandra Lee, starting with the fact only somebody who rarely cooks would ever think that wearing all white while cooking would be a wise idea.

Of course Sandra Lee cuts "nice thin strips" of her chicken that will be extra dry because she didn't let it rest for a little bit AND it will be chewy-tastic as she foolishly has cut with the grain instead of against it because, and this will be an on-going theme, that her staff clearly hate her.

Next up, Sandra Lee makes some "garlic fries"
We put this on here just because, it can't be stated enough, that somebody on a cooking-centric station felt that this woman should show the public how to FOLLOW THE COOKING INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BAG. Genius, just genius, folks.

Being plated up next is "Cucumber Tea Sandwiches"
Where do we even begin with this? Oh yes, we'll start with the fact that this recipe is supposed to be for a CHILD'S PARTY. You know what kids just go crazy for? SALMON CREAM CHEESE. Especially when it is mixed with the totally neutral flavored CAPERS. Also, all the kids are just crying out for TARRAGON BUTTER. I'm truly surprised that Chuck E. Cheese hasn't snapped up Sandra to help rework their menu since she's clearly so in touch with the delicate palates of children.

Next up Sandra Lee makes a crab salad with mango slaw.
We love this because it highlights one of Sandra Lee's favorite things to do: pairing expensive food items with cheap products so the entree averages out to be some bullshit. Lump crab meat is expensive. Fruit cups are distinctly not. Mixing those two together in a wine glass is part and parcel of the Semi-Ho methodology as this is the same woman who has, on several occasions, used the very expensive saffron in Uncle Ben's Minute Rice.

Lastly, we leave you with Sandra Lee, devoid of any proper bra support clearly, making a bourbon honey glazed ham.
There are just...I....mean....really.....I can't even:

It should be noted that in the corner of this whole fiasco there is promo for the now defunct Food Network program "The Worst Cooks in America." Advertisement or subliminal message to Ms. Lee?

We post, you decide.

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