This Mixtape Uses Performance Enhancing Drugs

Dear Skrillex,

When you put out dubstep out in the universe, the universe is going to even the score, namely by setting your hair on alight while you try to blow out your birthday candles.

Wisely, no party guest threw water on him because that is not the proper way to put out a grease fire.

Click below to continue as we take on lying athletes, a voice over battle between BeyoncĂ© and Justin Timberlake, the Golden Globes and so much more. If you don't, you'll force us to make you watch the pilot episode of "The Carrie Diaries" while eating "Top Chef" contestant Chef Josie's food all while Russell Crowe sings the entire score of "Les Miserables" during the commercial breaks. 

Hey, "Zero Dark Thirty" isn't the only one that knows a little thing about torture. 

Oh Manti Te’o, you tried it, didn’t you? In what is truly one of the most wonderfully bizarre stories we’ve read since that New York Times Magazine article about Lindsay Lohan on the set of “The Canyons,” Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o either got “Catfished” by a fake online girlfriend OR he tried to make like us in the 7th grade and made up a girlfriend, a girlfriend who died of cancer no less. It’s like if a Nicholas Spark novel and a Lifetime Movie had a baby together and named it “A Jank-Ass Lie To Remember.”

It’s just really not a good week to be a lying athlete as we also saw Lance Armstrong sit down with her Royal Winfrey-ness to confess to doping. His admission has made us want to confess something too: we filled our bag of wine with grape juice instead to win our last Tour de Franzia drinking competition. God, it feels so good to live honestly.

Anyway, what is next for Armstrong and Te’o? How do they rehabilitate their severely damaged public images? We have but one suggestion: go on “The Amazing Race.” Seriously, we could seriously support Team Man-Lance.

In honor of this public relations nightmare for both athletes, we kick off the Mixtape with Junip’s excellent song “Line of Fire” from their upcoming self-titled album.

In music news, this week saw the musical returns of pop superstars Justin Timberlake with his single "Suit and Tie"

and Destiny’s Child with their comeback song "Nuclear," a song title that must have described what happened when group member Michelle Williams found that all these years later she still stuck singing those bridges-to-nowhere.

But more importantly, this week we got to hear Timberlake and Beyonce talk about their favorite subject matter: themselves. But who did the introspective voice over better  

JT, Beyonce, my darlings, it is time for you to voice over for your lives. Good luck and don’t mumble it up.

In one corner, you had the Timberlake meditating on his internal struggles to return to music. If only he had had this level of give-a-shit when he had been asked to co-star in “The Love Guru.”

In the other corner, we have Ms. Knowles-Z and the trailer for her upcoming HBO documentary “Life is But a Dream,” her final bid to prove to the world that she’s an actual human being and not a robot Matthew and Tina Knowles constructed “Small Wonder”-style.

It’s a tough decision, Mixtapers, but Beyonce, shante you stay. Timberlake, we love you but after the melodrama of that promo you had the fresh nerve to put out a Robin Thicke sound-alike track, who is basically a poor man’s version of you. It’s like an “Inception” of basicness. For that we reason, we have to tell you to sashay away. 

In more music news, Frank Ocean was able to do the impossible this week. No, we’re not talking about being excited for an Anthony Ryan win on “Project Runway All Stars.” We’re talking about the brief audio reunion of Outkast on a remix of the superb “channel Orange” track “Pink Matter.”

In TV news, this week saw the return of the hit HBO comedy series “Girls” for its second season. 

The program and its creator/star Lena Dunham won big this week at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards, picking up trophies for best comedy and best actress in a comedy. It's reassuring to know that privileged White people can still win things as long as they aren't named Mitt Romney.

In honor of “Girls” and its return, our next song on the Mixtape is a track from the “Girls” soundtrack by Santigold. The track is titled “Girls.” Our mind reels at the hours of thought that went into coming up with that song title.

We interrupt this Mixtape for a commercial break.
Say music lovers, have you ever been sitting around, listening to Bruno Mars’ hit single “Locked Out of Heaven” and thought to yourself, “Gee, this energetic ode to having blue balls is awesome, but I feel like it's missing something?” 

Well ponder no longer because the creative minds at Razor and Tie have found the solution to making Mars’ hit an instant classic: children’s vocals!

That’s right! A cover version of “Locked Out of Heaven” is included on the all-new Kidz Bop 23, released this week. 

Amazing right? The shrieking singing voices of adolescents over a sub-karaoke backing track truly captures sexual frustration in ways Bruno Mars could never imagine.

So remember to run out and pick up Kidz Bop 23.  Kidz Bop: making songs about wanting to stick your dick in a vagina wholesome enough for the whole family since 2001.

In non-celebrity news, the Texas attorney generals wants more residents with guns, especially if they are equally adept at handling a pistol as they are making pasta fazool. 

According to a story from "The Daily Beast," when New York state signed into law stricter gun control measures, the three-time Republican Texas attorney general and apparently avid Facebooker Greg Abbot decided to post this on the social network site.

While we applaud Abbot for his way around an old timey font, we do have to question the logic. They do realize that these fancy New Yorkers will not only be bringing handguns with them but, based on years of Pace Picante commercials, inferior salsa. Won’t anybody think of the corn tortilla chips?!

Lastly, what the fuck is up with James Franco? No seriously, what in the actual fuck is up with him? When he isn’t falling asleep in his college classes or doing a dramatic reworking of “Three’s Company” or making guest appearances on soap operas, Franco seems to be focusing all of his energy on getting his own float in a gay pride parade. He took another step in that direction with his submission to the Sundance Film Festival, a film titled “Leather.Interior Bar.” 

We have no problem with Franco attempting to get his own float in a pride parade. We think more celebrities should court their gay fans. Also, we love when stars spend their time between blockbuster films just trolling the viewing public. It’s why we adored everything about that period of time when Joaquin Phoenix decided to look like one of the guys from “Duck Dynasty” and started rapping.

And we love that an affection for homoeroticism seems to be a Franco family trait.

So to James Franco, if you want to be a gay icon so bad, we better see you in a thong, working your shit in “Magic Mike 2: Electric Bulge-aloo.”

We end this mixtape with a shout-out to Betty White, who turned 91 this week, and Johnny McGovern aka Gay Pimp’s tune in honor of White’s “Golden Girls” character Rose Nylund.  

Have a great weekend and remember, always shade responsibly.

No comments: