Happy Friday Mixtapers! If you're reading this, you managed to survive your St. Patrick's Day without dying from mass quantities of green-tinted beer OR hell has a way better Internet connection than we could ever hope for. Either way, congratulations and thank you so much, always, for joining as we end a hot mess of week. Earthquakes and nuclear disasters in Japan, the vocal disaster rise of a YouTube star, Donald Trump making overtures about running for office, Kurt and Blaine finally hitting the high note in each others' mouths, it's been a big week in terms of news both serious and silly. Before we look back at the tea that was, let us get a brief glimpse of the tea that currently is:
In our first item, we've found ourselves strangely transfixed by the trainwreck that is Oxygen's latest edition to the reality TV show celebrity vanity project genre, "All About Aubrey." People may vaguely remember Aubrey as one of the girls in Diddy's group Danity Kane, his second attempt at Making the Band after the creatively titled Da Band unsurprisingly imploded upon itself like so many things associated with Sean John. Anyway, Aubrey is basically exhibit A of all the things that can happen to a mildly talented but naive girl who is thrust into the spotlight. Deluded sense of self? Check. Start applying makeup with a spackling brush? Check. Gallivanting around town with Jenna Jameson? Double-d check. So it was little to no surprise when Aubrey was fired from Danity Kane. And now she's back from the outer space known as total irrelevancy with a new program designed to relaunch her career as an "artist," a term she likes to hurl with the same half-understanding manner we did when we used to say we wanted to be an astronaut. Or marry a woman.
Coming on the heels of trash-a-thon of "Bad Girls Club," Aubrey can't help but look classier in comparison even if she's making out with her girl assistant while getting drunk with her absentee father. We're strangely fascinated by the program as Aubrey affects that Kardashian "stripper baby talk voice of extra dollars in the g-string" while discussing all matters of her life with a thick shellac of makeup on her face and periodically with some sort of Indian accessory dangling between her forehead. Because we're sure being part of Bad Boy Records instilled a deep understanding of other cultures. Maybe? Who knows, but we're going to stay tuned to this hot mess as Aubrey tries to lose 10 to 15 pounds. Here is our helpful hint: SOAP AND A WASHCLOTH. That's three pounds right there.
In actual news, Taylor Swift has signed on to be in adaptation of Dr. Seuss' classic "The Lorax," along with Zac Efron, Betty White and Danny DeVito. Thankfully, this is going to be an animated film so you won't have to sit through Taylor Swift desperately trying to open those two slits she calls eyes and show emotional range.
In other news, people are up in arms because of a photo recently that hit the 'Net of one Suri Cruise handling a box of Gummi treats. Normally, only maybe the nutrition police would be up in arms about this, but a lot of eyebrows were raised because the Gummis were in the shape of PEEN. SCANDALOUS. You know, if we were really hackey, we'd take this golden opportunity to point out the fact that enjoying fruity peen in their mouths is something all members of the Cruise family seem to enjoy. But we're better than that. Truly, truly better than stooping to make that kind of joke.
Speaking of peen and the people that enjoy it in their mouths, "US Weekly" has put in absence amount of time and effort in detailing the various women that Justin Timberlake may have put on his "Social Network." According to the hilariously matter-of-fact list compiled by "US Weekly," there aren't many lady parts in Hollywood that Timberlake didn't try to send a Dick in a Box to including ALLEGEDLY Kate Hudson, Oliva Munn, and his "Friends With Benefits" co-star Mila Kunis. Rihanna allegedly turned down Timberlake as well as Ciara, who wanted to know what it felt like not to be the person rejected in a life situation.
And that's our bit of TEA TODAY. Continue reading as we give you some CURRENT EVENTS REALNESS in another edition of "The Week in Tea" where the tea is sweet but our words are salty.
In the words of one Tammy WhyNott, who will be bartending tonight at Chances R, HEY MIXTAPERS HEY! Thank you for joining us for another edition of The Week in Tea, our weekly guide to all the highs and lows of the week. This week we're dishing the dirt and spilling the tea about the hacker ring that's making a lot of Hollywood starlets nervous, Donald Trump throwing shade at President Obama, the nuclear situation in Japan, and the magic that is "Friday."
We kick off The Week in Tea with the unfolding story about a group of celeb hackers that have been making their presence known on the Internet by hacking into the various accounts of a bevvy of Hollywood starlets, causing quite the commotion all over the place. It first started with "Sucker Punch"/"High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens as nude photos of her hit the net, which isn't even the first time it's happen to the star either might we add. Apparently Hudgens was relying upon the various security systems of her GMAIL account. Really? I don't like even sending out spam messages to my friends posing as a Nigerian prince using my GMAIL account, let alone using it as a place to store half-naked photos of myself.
But enough victim-blaming, Hudgens was soon joined by an ever expanding list of stars including Jessica Alba, Christina Aguilera, Selena Gomez, Ali Larter, Scarlett Johansson, Demi Lovato, and Miley Cyrus. The FBI believes that the celeb hacking crew has targeted around 50 celebrities and all of them are female.
In light of these recent events, we're here to help the ladies with some wise words of advice:
1) STOP TAKING NUDE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF.
2)Have your assistant actually update your Norton Anti-Virus.
3) STOP TAKING NUDE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF
4) Never store your photos on your computer. Or in your house. Maybe bury it in a shallow grave.
5) ONLY TAKE NUDE PHOTOS OF THE MEN YOU'RE WITH. That way, everybody is satisfied.
In our of this situation, we have some camera/picture songs:
Spoon, "I Turn My Camera On"
The Smiths, "Paint a Vulgar Picture"
Matt and Kim's "Cameras"
Next up, we turn our attention the situation in Japan. We were pretty sure that everybody was aware of the situation in Japan until we made the grave error of standing in front of some high school brats while we were trying to get our cold medicine on. With chewing gum popping, they were discussing world events in that in-depth, fully knowledgeable way that teens do:
"We're so lucky that there's like an ocean between us and Japan"---Give them credit that they have a vague grasp on geography at least.
"I wonder if this'll make like a real Godzilla"---At least they are creative thinkers. Maybe?
"Maybe the radiation will give Asian guys big dicks."---Optimism? I think I just pulled a mental muscle from all that reaching.
The celebrity community has turned to the world of Twitter to offer Tweets of support as well as Lady GaGa designing a bracelet with the proceeds going towards the victims of the earthquake and subsequent tsunami.
The BBC has helpfully put together a complete list of various charities you can donate money to. (All charities on the list meet the Better Business Bureau's standard of Wise Giving Alliance’s Standards for Charity Accountability as well)
We're deciding to honor some awesome J-Pop acts:
Ai, featuring Chaka Khan
Dreams Come True
And Kat-Tun
We pause this good will to present Donald Trump questioning Obama's birth status.
Of course, Donald Trump would question President Obama's birth status. This is the man who thought putting NeNe Leakes and Star Jones in the same room as each other was a wise idea and also unleashed the horror of Omarosa onto the national populace.
To the delight of "Kurt CoBlaine" fans everywhere, Kurt finally got a smooch from Blaine. And unlike so many things "Glee"-related, it wasn't delivered in an After School Special style. I KNOW!
Between making out with Rachel and now Kurt, we're pretty sure we'd just watch a whole program devoted to Darren Criss making out with people. They could call it "It's In His Criss" or "Criss Kiss" or "Criss Angel: Tongue Freak."
Lastly, we end this mixtape on the YouTube sensation that is Rebecca Black and her tune "Friday." Poor Rebecca Black, she had the piss poor luck to not having tried to stop a family member from getting raped. People might be a little less hostile towards her and her song. Unlike the last YouTube sensation Antoine Dodson and his "Bedroom Intruder" masterpiece, Black has pretty much received universal scorn as she has come to represent everything that people hate about the current state of pop music: the inane lyrics, the abundance of AutoTune, the fact that ANYBODY can become a pop star in spite of their meager talents and sometimes because of them.
Is "Friday" a shit song? Calling it a shitty song is an insult to fecal matter everywhere. But does Rebecca deserve to be told she needs to die. Seriously, she sang a crap song not took away collective bargaining rights.
And really, the blame for all of this falls in the laps of Ark Music Factory, the people that help fulfill the delusional dreams of kids and their parents that have a couple thousand dollars to burn on recording a song and filming a video. The fact that a parent would be so game to offer up their minor child for public scrutiny is the bigger issue than anything else. We're pretty if Mama Rose was around now, she'd have Baby June singing out on YouTube all the time.
Anyway, Ark Music Factory can be really frustrating UNTIL you look at it as one of the greatest set-ups for a Christopher Guest film he hasn't made yet. Could you not see Jane Lynch as a record executive or Jennifer Coolidge as pushy mother or even Parker Posey as one of the poor people who has haplessly signed on to write one of the tunes. Just take a look at the launch party video below and tell us that that couldn't be cut into a brilliant trailer for a mockumentary called "This Is Ark Music Factory."
Come on?! Poor man's Willow Smith Lil NeNe, who is answering a bunch of questions not even posed to her. CJ Fam singing about wanting to be an ordinary pop star. The most Caucasian girl they could find singing about having her "girl swag on." The Black girl who looks old enough to know better about this. The abundance of flower-in-the-hair-accessories like this is the early 2000s. The inability for anybody to be articulate on the red carpet with the most softball of questions like the beyond challenging WHEN DID YOU START SINGING. Or the girl referring to "Armour" as a "play on word." SIDE-EYE-PALOOZA!
Not all of the songs are completely terrible, we'll admit. Danika, in spite of giving us some MISS SAIGON REALNESS with her inappropriate sway dancing, has a song that's no worse than the Kesha cataolgue. I know, I know, damning with faint praise.
And that, my mixtapers, was just a bit of the week in tea. As always we wish you love, peace and downloads. BRING ON NEW BRITNEY MUSIC.
And:
We kick off The Week in Tea with the unfolding story about a group of celeb hackers that have been making their presence known on the Internet by hacking into the various accounts of a bevvy of Hollywood starlets, causing quite the commotion all over the place. It first started with "Sucker Punch"/"High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens as nude photos of her hit the net, which isn't even the first time it's happen to the star either might we add. Apparently Hudgens was relying upon the various security systems of her GMAIL account. Really? I don't like even sending out spam messages to my friends posing as a Nigerian prince using my GMAIL account, let alone using it as a place to store half-naked photos of myself.
But enough victim-blaming, Hudgens was soon joined by an ever expanding list of stars including Jessica Alba, Christina Aguilera, Selena Gomez, Ali Larter, Scarlett Johansson, Demi Lovato, and Miley Cyrus. The FBI believes that the celeb hacking crew has targeted around 50 celebrities and all of them are female.
In light of these recent events, we're here to help the ladies with some wise words of advice:
1) STOP TAKING NUDE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF.
2)Have your assistant actually update your Norton Anti-Virus.
3) STOP TAKING NUDE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF
4) Never store your photos on your computer. Or in your house. Maybe bury it in a shallow grave.
5) ONLY TAKE NUDE PHOTOS OF THE MEN YOU'RE WITH. That way, everybody is satisfied.
In our of this situation, we have some camera/picture songs:
Spoon, "I Turn My Camera On"
The Smiths, "Paint a Vulgar Picture"
Matt and Kim's "Cameras"
Next up, we turn our attention the situation in Japan. We were pretty sure that everybody was aware of the situation in Japan until we made the grave error of standing in front of some high school brats while we were trying to get our cold medicine on. With chewing gum popping, they were discussing world events in that in-depth, fully knowledgeable way that teens do:
"We're so lucky that there's like an ocean between us and Japan"---Give them credit that they have a vague grasp on geography at least.
"I wonder if this'll make like a real Godzilla"---At least they are creative thinkers. Maybe?
"Maybe the radiation will give Asian guys big dicks."---Optimism? I think I just pulled a mental muscle from all that reaching.
The celebrity community has turned to the world of Twitter to offer Tweets of support as well as Lady GaGa designing a bracelet with the proceeds going towards the victims of the earthquake and subsequent tsunami.
The BBC has helpfully put together a complete list of various charities you can donate money to. (All charities on the list meet the Better Business Bureau's standard of Wise Giving Alliance’s Standards for Charity Accountability as well)
We're deciding to honor some awesome J-Pop acts:
Ai, featuring Chaka Khan
Dreams Come True
And Kat-Tun
We pause this good will to present Donald Trump questioning Obama's birth status.
Of course, Donald Trump would question President Obama's birth status. This is the man who thought putting NeNe Leakes and Star Jones in the same room as each other was a wise idea and also unleashed the horror of Omarosa onto the national populace.
To the delight of "Kurt CoBlaine" fans everywhere, Kurt finally got a smooch from Blaine. And unlike so many things "Glee"-related, it wasn't delivered in an After School Special style. I KNOW!
Between making out with Rachel and now Kurt, we're pretty sure we'd just watch a whole program devoted to Darren Criss making out with people. They could call it "It's In His Criss" or "Criss Kiss" or "Criss Angel: Tongue Freak."
Lastly, we end this mixtape on the YouTube sensation that is Rebecca Black and her tune "Friday." Poor Rebecca Black, she had the piss poor luck to not having tried to stop a family member from getting raped. People might be a little less hostile towards her and her song. Unlike the last YouTube sensation Antoine Dodson and his "Bedroom Intruder" masterpiece, Black has pretty much received universal scorn as she has come to represent everything that people hate about the current state of pop music: the inane lyrics, the abundance of AutoTune, the fact that ANYBODY can become a pop star in spite of their meager talents and sometimes because of them.
Is "Friday" a shit song? Calling it a shitty song is an insult to fecal matter everywhere. But does Rebecca deserve to be told she needs to die. Seriously, she sang a crap song not took away collective bargaining rights.
And really, the blame for all of this falls in the laps of Ark Music Factory, the people that help fulfill the delusional dreams of kids and their parents that have a couple thousand dollars to burn on recording a song and filming a video. The fact that a parent would be so game to offer up their minor child for public scrutiny is the bigger issue than anything else. We're pretty if Mama Rose was around now, she'd have Baby June singing out on YouTube all the time.
Anyway, Ark Music Factory can be really frustrating UNTIL you look at it as one of the greatest set-ups for a Christopher Guest film he hasn't made yet. Could you not see Jane Lynch as a record executive or Jennifer Coolidge as pushy mother or even Parker Posey as one of the poor people who has haplessly signed on to write one of the tunes. Just take a look at the launch party video below and tell us that that couldn't be cut into a brilliant trailer for a mockumentary called "This Is Ark Music Factory."
Come on?! Poor man's Willow Smith Lil NeNe, who is answering a bunch of questions not even posed to her. CJ Fam singing about wanting to be an ordinary pop star. The most Caucasian girl they could find singing about having her "girl swag on." The Black girl who looks old enough to know better about this. The abundance of flower-in-the-hair-accessories like this is the early 2000s. The inability for anybody to be articulate on the red carpet with the most softball of questions like the beyond challenging WHEN DID YOU START SINGING. Or the girl referring to "Armour" as a "play on word." SIDE-EYE-PALOOZA!
Not all of the songs are completely terrible, we'll admit. Danika, in spite of giving us some MISS SAIGON REALNESS with her inappropriate sway dancing, has a song that's no worse than the Kesha cataolgue. I know, I know, damning with faint praise.
And that, my mixtapers, was just a bit of the week in tea. As always we wish you love, peace and downloads. BRING ON NEW BRITNEY MUSIC.
And:
No comments:
Post a Comment