Sure, the Video Music Awards have their Kanye West and Britney moments and people are routinely drunk as skunks at the Golden Globes and the Oscars usually has one inappropriate political rant per year, but nobody does awful nearly as well as the American Music Awards as, year by year, they trot a whole host of celebrity presenters that make the audience go either, "They are still alive" or "How did they get roped into this" while performances generally range from watch-through-the-hands-awful to wonderful heights of delicious spectacle.
So we kick off the week as we go through the few highs, the plethora of lows and the Miley Cyrus that was the American Music Awards.
Kicking off the show was Rihanna in a seven minute medley of "Love the Way You Lie (Part 2)," "What's My Name" and "Only Girl." Which seven minutes? A REALLY LONG TIME to perform without a trace of charisma.
Playing like the sluttiest number from a touring production of The Lion King with choreography that alternated between booty popping and twirling in place, Rihanna kicked off the show in her usual style-is-substance manner. All of her songs appear on her new album titled Loud, which is what the backing track was in this performance until that unfortunate last notes of earnestness.
Elsewhere, Rihanna gal pal Katy Perry was equally horrendous on her "Fireworks" performance later on in the show as not in the help of a boys choir could save her vocals on a song that is fundamentally wrong for her singing voice as the verses are too low, the chorus too high and the Autotune too necessary.
The whole beginning with the choir made us think back fondly to Baz Luhrmann's version of Romeo and Juliet and:
Kid Rock somehow was let onto the show and sang about Detroit's recession, Pink trotted out her now slightly tired BLECH I'M A ROCK STAR schtick, Miley Cyrus found Alanis Morrissette's set from her 1990s "You Oughta Know" Grammy performance and trotted that out along with some clothes fresh from the Paternal Strife Collection as designed by Stevie Nicks while Christina Aguilera decided to cram herself and her divorce weight gain into Britney Spears' outfit from "Gimme More" and melisma her way through a number from her camp classic in the making Burlesque and the Black Eyed Peas continue to make Patrick Swayze spin in his grave.
In sweet-Jesus-how-are-they-still-popular-news, Train performed on the show while poor man's John Stamos lead singer decided to rock sparkling pants. Ke$ha smashed a guitar after destroying our ear drums, P.Diddy continued to cling onto relevancy with his whack group Diddy Dirty Money. Usher found himself wheezing his way around, singing harmonies to his Autotuned voice. We've mentally blocked out Justin Bieber's performance while we're pretty that Bon Jovi will give the exact same performance next year and the year after that until Jon Bon Jovi can't flat iron his hair anymore.
Taylor Swift flat sang her way through her song about Taylor Lautner because her album is basically an angsty LiveJournal account put to music.
We don't know what OneRepublic did to deserve Taylor Swift's abuse of "Apologize," but it was totally unnecessary.
After seemingly going on forever, the show came to a frenzied conclusion as NKOTB and BSB had audio sex with each other.
We like to think of ourselves as a hipster douchebag that like bands that haven't even been started yet. But our response as soon as the boys came on stage was:
And with that, we end this edition of The Majak Mixtape. Have a happy Monday everybody!