Happy Hump Day Gleeks! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you KARAOKE VOCALS REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Gleecap, where Mercedes goes when her tater tots are busy cooking in the deep fryer. "Glee" is still in reruns so we're back with another one of our recaps of a fake episode of "Glee." But before we get to all the "Glee," let us first:
First up, our girl Wendy Williams was eliminated last night from "Dancing With the I-Only-Have-Recollection-of-Who-You-Are-Stars." As much as we live for Wendy Williams, we're glad she's gone because watching her dance was physically painful. Also physically painful? Wednesday night's show, where everybody had a sob story to tell with their dance. Normally, we think that's fine and dandy since we watched "American Idol," where no personal tragedy is left unexploited for votes. The thing is, whatever genius suggest personal song week decided to do it the week that half of the celebrities were going to do the rumba. Because nothing quite says HONORING A DEAD FRIEND/MOM/RELATIVE/PET quite like the hyper-sexual dance that is the rumba.
Wendy Williams isn't the only person leaving a program as rumors continue to swirl that Katie Couric is about to leave the CBS News anchor position she's been at for the past five years. Poor Katie. She never really got a fair shake due to her "Today Show" background and notorious perkiness that people thought made her unfit for the anchor's chair. Surprisingly, Diane Sawyer, who anchors the ABC News, hasn't come up against that kind of criticism. We guess having Whitney Houston ask you for the receipts and making Britney Spears cry in an interview make her infinitely more credible than Katie.
Speaking of Britney Spears, her music video for "Till the World Ends" premiered at the 3 a.m. today. Britney's new video is just like "Slave 4 U" except it's awful. We mean, it's relatively less awful than "Hold It Against Me" was and doesn't begin to approach the stankness of "Radar," but we're not quite sure why Britney's people thought it'd be a wise idea to borrow so much thematically from one of her greatest music videos so she could walk around in a daze in this one. Girlfriend can't even clap her hands with a sense of passion. We wait with fevered anticipation for the choreography-centric edit of this video. We seriously haven't seen this many quick-edits for a performance since they tried to edit Renee Zellweger into being a competent dancer in "Chicago."
And that's the tea for today! Watch your back and continue reading for today's Gleecap!
In our last Gleecap, we served up SPRING BREAK REALNESS as Rachel hosted a pool party at the YMCA and battled her feelings for Finn while Santana tried to shoot a music video for "Trouty Mouth" but found her anger issues got in the way. Brittany thought she was half-mermaid because of her tendency to brush her hair with a fork and Quinn was off trying to choose the perfect prom dress. And that's what you missed in our last fake episode of "Glee."
We now present you with:
We begin the episode in a darken space. Maybe we're in the New Directions practire room. Maybe we're in Brittany's mind. It's hard to tell at first until a spotlight appears out of nowhere, focusing on one of those chintzy looking stars that you only see on prom night, which turns out where we are at. It's McKinley High's prom and a small group of lovely ladies are standing on stage in their finest prom dresses that in about five years they are going to completely deny ever wearing out in public. Principal Figgins is in the midst of crowning the winner.
Is it Mercedes? No, she's too busy being sassy somewhere. Is it Tina? She's busily groping Mike Chang's abs underneath the bleachers because she's a genius.
Nope, our prom queen is our very own Quinn Fabray, who looks every bit the part in a pale pink explosion of tulle. She smiles proudly as Figgins places the crown on her golden locks; her eyes dart about the place and finally zeroes in on Finn, who looks dapper in his tuxedo. She smiles sweetly, well as sweetly as a total sociopath can muster, and waves at him until she notices that he is sharing punch with Rachel Berry. Before Quinn can scream out at him, she feels a slight trickle hit her bare shoulder. Splat, splat. Splat, splat. Because this is a TV show, instead of moving like anybody worth their salt would, Quinn instead stands right in place as a bucket of baby food comes hurling down on her. We're pretty sure it's pureed carrots. Hey, it's better than pigs blood gurl. As a waterfall of baby food hits her head, her crown goes flying off in the distance and lands with a shattering thud on the ground. This is, of course, Quinn's cue to jolt upright in bed and for the opening GLEE graphic to appear on screen.
The proper episode begins as we see Sue Sylvester strutting down the hallway of McKinley High School and runs into Mr. Schue.
"I'm sorry," Sue says, "I'm sure you're in a rush to not teach somewhere in the building. But I just wanted to make you're the first to know that jail and my subsequent shiv in the side has made me view the world in a new way that not even you and those cancer kids we sang with could possibly do."
Mr. Schue nods his head and is about to open his mouth when Sue informs him that she found religion while in jail for punching the Lt. Gov.’s wife during Regionals.
“Originally I was going to go into Scientology but my lack of homosexual desires needing to be suppressed ruled that religion out. I'm currently trying to decide between becoming a Hasidic Jew or Unitarianism." Mr. Schue offers Sue a simple "God Bless" before she quickly scurries into her office to start writing in her journal. Sue has decided, with the prom season upon everybody, to turn her attentions to destroying one Quinn Fabray for having the nerve to leave the Cheerios. This leads us to our first musical performance of the episode as Sue, along with Becky, decide to bust out an impassioned rendition of Kelis' "Caught Out There."
We cut over to the New Directions practice room as the students are sitting around.
“I’m still trying to figure out, are we like getting graded for glee club or is it an extra curricular or something?” Tina asks to nobody in particular as Quinn immediately shushes her as the announcements for prom court. Principal Figgins starts listing off a bunch of people we've never heard of to give the illusion that one of the girls in New Directions isn't going to be on the prom court. Quinn's name is mentioned and gets a hilariously small and half-hearted at best smattering of applause from the Glee kids.
Quinn decides to use this very moment to sing a song to express how she feels about being on prom court as she relates about the difficulties about the past year or two. CUT TO PUCK'S FACE. Mr. Schue, who has never found a moment of self-indulgence who couldn't at the very least relate to, lets Quinn take center stage.
Just as soon as Quinn finishes her song, looking lovingly at Finn and embracing the perfection that her life has turned into finally, Santana’s name is added to the list of prom court, much to Quinn’s dismay. Santana decides that she too needs to sing a song to mark this very special occasion. Santana, with the dancing aid of Brittany and Tina, launches into a version of Sleigh Bells' "Crown on the Ground."
While Santana fist pumps to the song and Brittany and Tina whip their hair both back AND forth, Quinn's got a serious case of the bitchface, shoving Finn when he starts nodding his head along to the tune.
Quinn interrupts Santana's performance to scream, "You're never going to be the queen of anything but the Center of Disease Control."
While Quinn and Santana scream at one another, Artie asks Brittany if she's sad about not being in the running for prom queen.
Brittany: “I tried to be a monarch once but I got stuck in my cocoon.”
Before the skirmish between Quinn and Santana can reach maximum hair pulling potential, Mr. Schue tells everybody to go work on their music and tells the two girls to take some time to have a breather.
Santana: "You know what needs to breathe? Your shirts that are being strangled by all your vests!"
Quinn storms out of the glee club room to call her mom on the phone and let her know about getting prom court. Tearing up a little, she leans her head against the bathroom stall for a moment before coming out and seeing the words TEEN MOM written in lipstick on the mirror.
We come back from commercial to find Quinn and Finn in the gym together, practicing slow dancing. Apparently, whatever Finn learned from Kurt during their parents' wedding is in dire need of a refresher as task master Quinn keeps sharply correcting Finn.
"This has to be perfect."
"Why can't it be fun?"
"THERE IS NO ROOM FOR FUN AT PROM."
Finn, sensing that Quinn is incredibly stressed about prom, tries his best to follow her lead until she gets frustrated, yet again, but Finn's lack of commitment to doing a good slow dance. Sulking off onto the bleachers, Quinn tries to make Finn leave her alone. Finn, because this is "Glee," instead tries to get Quinn to shake it up a bit and have some fun by launching into his own version of the The Ramones' version of "Do You Wanna Dance."
Quinn, impressed by Finn's essential Finn-ness, tries to do the spotlight slow dance one more time but eventually dismisses him.
"That was me leading you. It's supposed to be the other way around."
Finn leaves Quinn alone in the gym. At least for a moment. Quinn starts hearing noises echoing from all over the place. At first she ignores them until they become louder and louder, and she soon realizes it's the sound of babies cooing. Covering her ears, she goes sprinting through the gym but stops dead in her tracks when a baby's rattle comes rolling across the floor at her.
Quinn kicks the rattle and comes out into the hallway to find Santana standing around. Trying to offer an olive branch, Santana tells Quinn she should come to the college party she's been invited to. At first Quinn says no until she hears the baby's rattle roll back and hit the door closed behind her.
Cut to the college house party. As Quinn and Santana get their underage drink on with some game college boys. Quinn's throwing back the shots hardcore as Santana continues to cheer her on. The drunker Quinn, the more out of touch with reality becomes as she starts seeing a musical number busting out with Santana and the frat boys popping their booties to a version of Basement Jaxx's "Red Alert."
Quinn flings herself into the nearest available bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror. She briefly sees the McKinley High School bulldog mascot staring back at her. Yeah, safe to say, homegirl is pretty screwed up as we go to commercial break.
We come back from commercial with Quinn having a fantasy about Rachel, Santana and Sue attacking her in song, circling her bed and harassing her with a rendition of The Gossip's "Standing in the Way of Control.
Quinn wakes up, sweating profusely. She slowly starts to piece together things as the show flashbacks to Quinn being dropped off at her house by Mr. Schue, who did promise to drive any one of the New Directions kids home. Quinn's mother promptly grounded her daughter for drinking and forbid her from going to the prom. We come back to the present situation, a hungover Quinn looks down and realizes that she's wearing her prom dress, a gorgeous and frothy light pink number with oodles and oodles of tulle and a strapless, corset-esque top.
Quinn crawls out of her bed and slowly opens the door to see her dad standing guard in front of it. Slowly stepping over him, she starts making a break for it until her mother tries to stop her in the kitchen. Quinn, pretty much in the midst of full-tilt batshit crazy that garners people awards from the Academy, decks her mother and bolts out the door.
Running down the street, Quinn briefly transforms into the McKinley bulldog in a dress and snaps back into her regular mode when she makes it to McKinley High. Sue is standing guard in front of the gym and smirks when she sees Quinn.
"Awfully late to be out when you have a baby. Oh wait, that's right. You gave it up."
Quinn: "You're the one that wrote TEEN MOM on the bathroom mirror weren't you."
Sue: "Aren't we self-absorbed? I was just writing it down as a reminder to myself to catch a marathon of that show this weekend."
Quinn: "You're a terrible person."
Sue: "So are you. That's what made us such a great time. What happened to my Cheerio?"
Quinn: "SHE'S GONE!"
And with that Quinn shoved Sue into the glass trophy case and goes storming into the auditorium and up on the stage to change Santana and the rest of the prom court. We are back to the original lighting of the opening sequence dream as Principal Figgins puts the crown on Quinn's head. Quinn looks out at the auditorium and sees Finn, standing without Rachel. Her eye drifts over to see Puck with his prom date Lauren. Her eyes well up with tears. Principal Figgins asks Quinn to say something to audience.
Quinn, in a weak voice, begins to sing. "Just a perfect day, problems all left alone, weekenders on our own. It's such fun. Just a perfect day. You made me forget myself. I thought I was someone else, someone good."
Quinn chokes on the last word and collapses off the stage, hitting her head on the end. Her voice sings over the scene as everybody rushes to her aid as she starts bleeding a little. Quinn looks around at all of the New Directions people standing above her as they all sing.
Finn: "Are you okay?"
Quinn: "It was perfect."
Quinn pauses to touch the blood on her forehead. "But this? This sucked ass."
Thanks so much for reading today's faux Gleecap. Tune in next week for one last fake Gleecap as the kids of New Direction take a rock and roll field trip! See you then!