Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kim and Kandi took their act on the road to the big White Party where Kandi continued to get this season's bitch edit while complaining about Kim's somehow shocking-to-her unprofessionalism while Kim decided to hit on a bunch of gay dudes.
Elsewhere, Phaedra continued to prove that she's the greatest addition to the show ever as she hurls inappropriate racial generalizations while also showing huge amounts of materialism without a trace of awareness that wanting her husband to buy her a bunch of gifts, when he seemingly has no means other than her own pocketbook, means you're buying gifts for yourself.
NeNe's dog took a shit in a diaper. This act remained vastly more interesting than Cynthia's non-storyline of her impending nuptials.
This week: Phaedra throws herself a baby shower because she's a Southern Lady and can do it herself like Scarlett fucking O'Hara ripping down the curtains and turning it into a dress. Which incidentally would've been better than what Phaedra wore. Lisa makes a cameo, Cynthia finally proves why she was cast on this show, and Dwight gets his weekly plastic surgery diss.
Let's get the wine flowing honey!
This episode may be one of the greatest things to ever happen to the Real Housewives of Atlanta since everybody was reading bitches like drag queens backstage before a show. And really, isn't that essentially the guiding spirit for Real Housewive series anyway?
So let us begin with the most awkward limo ride since Chris Brown picked up Rihanna for the Grammys. Phaedra, Dwight, Cynthia and her old man husband whose name I don't really care to learn all are being carted off to enjoy some Southern event, which should totally be a drinking game for folks at this point since Phaedra spouts off such Southern-inflected nonsense with such regularity its a thing of beauty unlike her makeup that only emphasizes how she, at times, looks like a ragged Raven Symone.
Anyway, the foursome in the car and Phaedra, always knowing how to make a stunning first impression on folks, engages in the following exchange:
God bless Phaedra for not having the sense that the Lord gave a goose or we wouldn't have such stunning moments of total un-awareness.
I mean really, you want somebody without baggage?
And we'll give credit to Cynthia for restraining herself while in the limo. Though in the talking head interviews, she finally proved that there was more to her than just a pretty face with such pithy lines about how Phaedra looked like Tammy Faye Baker, Dwight looked like a Black Willy Wonka and a variety of other put-downs that makes me sad that she's trapped in a boring ass storyline about her wedding.
Elsewhere, NeNe got her plastic surgery and went in looking like this:
And came out looking like this:
Under the influence of meds, NeNe was surprisingly docile for once, even with her jank ass husband Greg nowhere to be found to help with the after care process.
But all things paled in comparison to the hot ass bougie mess that was Phaedra's baby shower, complete with her doing a waltz with Dwight, male attendants/escorts for guests, balle-fucking-rinas twirling their asses about all while Phaedra had rhinestones on her eyes and snobbery in her heart as she waited for the whole shebang to commence.
When it comes to everything that happens with Phaedra, I mean really? I just. There are. Um....
Kim, proving contrary to her hit song, will always be tardy to one's party, hilariously sized up the situation by saying it didn't make sense to have all the girly stuff since Phaedra was having a boy. And just when the feminists in the audience, who I can't imagine watching this show without wanting to take an axe to everybody on there, were about to be up in arms, Kim added, "Even if you were having girl this shit wouldn't make any sense."
You hear that Phaedra? Kim, the woman who couldn't remember basic dance moves last week at the White Party, has actually made a valid point about the ridiculousness of your existence.
Next week, Kandi talks about buying her mother a toy of adult origins, Sheree goes out on another date with her fraud doctor, and Phaedra continues to get in touch with her deep Southern roots by hosting a lynching.
Oh yes we did Ryan Gosling. Oh yes we did.
See you next week my peaches.