Peach, Please: The Purity Ring Don't Mean A Thing


Last time on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kandi continued her march of martyrdom as she didn't spare a single moment not to bring up how wronged she felt by Kim for the "Tardy For the Party" situation and the fact that Kim did not like "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" because even Kim in her wine-and-cigarette-induced stupor could tell the song was actually crap; Phaedra's jig was up as her doctor outed her for actually full-term and not premature(Kandi, proving to be a future member of Mensa in the making, being the only one who bought that b.s.); Also getting outed as a fraud was I-got-my-degrees-online Dr. Tiy-E as he found himself getting the third degree from Sheree and company at her spades party; Cynthia's storyline continued to exist as she went wedding dress hunting while her mother and sister side-eyed at the idea of this runaway bride actually thinking she was making it to the alter with her Garrett Morris-looking husband.

This week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Weddings are planned, marriages collapse, and boos get checked as Cynthia meets her wedding planner along with her husband and her gay Jabba the Hut boyfriend while NeNe starts her new job and is offended that Gregg has violated her sense of privacy by putting their relationship business out in the street ALL THE WHILE BEING FILMED FOR THIS VERY REALITY SHOW and Dr. Tiy-E pretty much asks Sheree if he's been playing The Crying Game with her. Also, somebody gets jewelry on this show, and for once it's earned because they DIDN'T have sex.

Peaches, are you ready?

We kick off the episode and the bulk of the recap with but a simple question about which is tackier: Kandi's current obsession with talking about sex because she's not getting any or her haircut? We vote for her haircut because we can mute her voice, we haven't learned how to turn down the volume of her Kool-Aid hair she seems so ungodly fond of.

Anyway, never one to not flog a dead horse, whether it's her solo career or her simmering rage about "Tardy to the Party," Kandi invited the ladies over to talk about sex on her god-awful Kandi Koated Nights internet show because her new-found celibacy has basically turned her into every sex-obsessed character played by Jonah Hill.

The whole scene gets one massive SIDE EYE from the Majak Kingdom as Kandi comes off lecherous, NeNe needs to get a grip on reality about her dog and pony show that is her entertainment segment, Kim suddenly comes down with a case of modesty in spite of saying barely an episode ago about how she's been "chasing dick" since she was born and Cynthia manages to be boring even in the midst of anal sex discussion. And it's to be stated at this point that Sex and the City, in all of its scripted glory, somehow was more realistic about girl talk than Kandi's desperate grab for attention:

The whole thing reeked of Kandi needing to get laid as well as the odor of coca butter probably also permeated the place when the stripper made his mandatory appearance.

Elsewhere, Kim's 13-year-old daughter Brielle devised a brilliant way to get some jewelry out of her mother: PURITY RING.

You got to love the editors of the this show for completely fucking with the audience by briefly making it appear that Kim would be doing something socially responsible like taking her daughter to get a Gardasil shot or something.

Of course not, there is more important things like jewelry to be purchased lord knows everybody wants to be like Jordin Sparks:

Which apparently, real sex makes you a slut, fake sex in front of a stadium of people just makes you a loyal fan:

In two storylines that neither I nor apparently the editors of the show carried about terribly, Phaedra brought home her baby in some crocheted clothing in the middle of summer because that's what a rational person does. Phaedra only seemed excited about the baby as a way to dress it up in a variety of designer clothes, which I suppose is as good as any other reason to have a child.

Elsewhere, Cynthia has a Sven Gali gay boyfriend ridiculously calling himself Kithe. Misspelling your name KEITH does not  make you interesting or creative or anything. Plus, if you saw the episode, you can't tell me he doesn't look like gay Cee-Lo Green and sounds like he's on a mountain of tranquilizers.

Back to the storylines that are actually interesting, Sheree has a sit down conversation with "Dr." Tiy-E after she had some time "re-evaluate" things with him.  Gurl, own up the fact that you made like Kim's song and you googled the hell out of this trifling mutha and call it a day.

You know something is wrong in the world when Sheree, the woman who throws herself parties at the drop of her hat to celebrate her independence, is smart enough to know that you don't go introducing your kids to somebody you just met, especially when you're too lazy to do a background check on them and your girlfriends are making like this is the Southern version of The Women and not telling you about him:

Tiy-E, figuring that his secret is now out about being a big ole faking faker who fakes, decided that he would leave gracefully from the show.

Laughing if you believed that for a second.

Tiy-E whipped out some folded up papers and said they were transcripts of his education, and he'd show Sheree the papers if she proved to him that she was a woman. Nothing says, "Underneath it all I'm truly a gentleman" quite like asking if you're pulling a Felicity Huffman/Transamerica on the viewing public. Masculine jawline aside, he really had no reason to throw such a hissy fit at Sheree.

But that showdown paled in comparison with the dissolution of NeNe's marriage to Gregg as Gregg put NeNe on blast on radio.

NeNe was not pleased to have her marriage troubles playing out on the radio because being a reality show star is a thing of ultra privacy? Maybe? Who knows. Anyway, NeNe arrives home to cuss out Gregg in what's becoming our favorite on-going storyline of NeNe's transformation from season one loudmouth to the Black Jill Zarin season 2 to this season being Julia Sugarbaker:

It's a total Julia Sugarbaker takedown speech.

And with that, we close out this recap of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. We close with a video, linked to us by our friend and reader Grant, of Lawrence and his song "Closet Freak"

See you next week as Cynthia's future husband comes for NeNe's wig:

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