This week on the Housewives: Friendship contracts are signed, tours are plotted and Sheree gets a part in a play that makes Tyler Perry look like David Mamet in comparison.
So sit down, relax and drink that wine out of a plastic cup like any one of our southern belles would do and enjoy today's recap!
Mo'Nique will cry if you don't read the recap.
We kick off the episode with Sheree getting her hair did by our new favorite person on the show Lawrence. We were a little side-eye about his whole existence last season, but this year he has completely endeared himself to us as he goes through life like it's an episode of "Men On Film," and you have to sort of respect anybody for that total commitment to making ridiculous a whole sort of life style choice. Plus, anybody who could put up with Sheree for long periods of time and not burn her with a hot comb as she prattles on endlessly about her various "pursuits" is in desperate need of a Nobel Prize.
Seriously, Sheree's move to acting is still one of the more hilarious things to happen on this show just because Sheree approaches these career decisions the same way we did in elementary school. The way she flits from fashion designer to fitness video to actress is the way we went from doctor to cowboy to spy within the span of one recess.
Anyway, Sheree is proudly crowing about her grand achievement in landing a part in the somehow-more-awful-than-it-sounds "The Child Support Man." The fact that Ms. Sheree firmly believes that this play will help solidify her acting credentials is hilarious at best and Norma Desmond at worst. Either way, her ability to always dodge the bullets that are reality is reaching Superman and/or Kim-like levels.
Which speaking of Kim, we cut over to her delusions because Bravo likes to keep that sort of continuity on their series. Anyway, Kim is in the dance studio to work out a routine as she is going to be Kandi's opening act on her tour and zzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm sorry. I fell asleep. I didn't think it was possible to be more boring than Cynthia's non-wedding drama, but Kim and Kandi are doing a masterful job at it. Regardless, we are here to recap so we will take a shot of Red Bull and continue sludge our way through all of this unfortunate-ness. Oh how our spellcheck is just going to ADORE us today.
Anyway, Kim is trying to work out a routine for "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing," which we didn't even know she had finished recording but DETAILS, DETAILS. Anyway, her poor choreographer, who even if all he had choreographed was some pre-teen beauty pageants or something is so obviously slumming it to be in the same airspace with Ms. Kim Z, asks Kim what is her vision for her routine. Naturally, Kim has none to the surprise of absolutely no one in the viewing audience who has ever seen her for more than point five seconds on this program. Her wig alone tells you that she could not, in fact, give a flying fuck about pretty much anything other than cigarettes and wine. Though we have to admit, when we typed it, we realized that we often ascribe to this motto.
So Kim bounces about the dance studio and hilariously says that she has been dancing for 16 years and that she's a better dancer than a singer.
Girl, such a ridiculous statement, we're going to make you give yourself the side eye.
Of course Kim has all of the attention span of an infant so she's already checked out of the rehearsal because she has proven time and again that being competent would most likely be completely detrimental to her overall appeal.
We go over to Cynthia's house where she's mailing out invitation and end up having a confrontation about Cynthia and her relationship with NeNe as her always charming husband-to-be Peter stamps his foot down.
Dwight comes over, in his best church lady no less, to see new mommy Phaedra and deliver presents and spill the tea about what people have been saying about her.
This is exactly why we enjoy Phaedra. Her pathological ability to dance around reality is a thing of absolute beauty at this point. The fact that she can't imagine why people would care about her baby when she has created the mystery herself is such a brilliant bit of mindfucking that we're sure even Dwight doesn't quite follow but nods his head accordingly like the sycophant that he is. The whole sequence is entirely jank as Dwight goes out of his way to throw Cynthia underneath the bus for questioning the baby with Phaedra happily playing along as Bravo goes out of ITS way to show what a liar Dwight is by interjecting flashbacks to Kim being the one asking most of the questions. The topic of Kim having been a nurse comes about and causes to Dwight and Phaedra to roll their eyes. Well, at least Phaedra does. Dwight attempted to but feared he'd pull one of his already ridiculously taut muscles in his face that has slowly morphed into two eyes and a whole lot of cheekbone as though his greatest goal in life is to play Lady Chablis in "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." Honey, they already did that movie YEARS ago. Let your face get back to its natural elasticity.
Next we cut over to Sheree's house as Kandi arrives wearing a Cleopatra Jones scarf around her head which is better than her usual hair so we'll give it a pass. THIS TIME. Anyway, she's come over her because helping Kim trying to be a singer wasn't enough of a migraine headache; Kandi is going to help Sheree run lines for the soon-to-be-Pulitzer-Prize-winning play "The Child Support Man." The two talk a little about the dead beats in their lives, which we are sure is just a civil suit in the making with the way they are tossing that info about on national television. Anyway, once they get down to business, Sheree proves that she can somehow be even more artificial than she usually is with her stilted, clenched jaw manner of speaking that has thrilled us for these three seasons.
After the commercial break, we go over to Kim's house where she's having the girls over to try out some machine that's supposed to zap the cellulite away. This, obviously, calls for wine and pizza. Anyway, the girls have gathered over at the Kim abode which leads Cynthia and NeNe to have a discussion about their friendship. And just when you thought that this show couldn't get more zany with its boughetto baby showers, Cynthia decides to up the cray cray factor by a thousand by pulling out a friendship contract for her and NeNe to sign. We actually sort of feel bad for Cynthia we are like 90 percent sure she meant all of this as a good-natured joke and probably had no idea that NeNe was going to play it to the cameras as her thinking Cynthia was honest-to-goodness serious about the matter.
Anyway, because this show is simply too good to let us just stew in the deliciousness of Cynthia's awkwardness, we immediately go over to Sheree and the opening of "The Child Support Man."
When your big play is being done in a strip mall, where we're pretty sure Popeye's Chicken is just around the corner, you have crossed into whole new levels of basicness that we can't even begin to deal with.
Anyway, the ladies, minus Kim and Kandi, show up to "support" Sheree's big night. And by support, we mean NeNe came with her own plastic cup of wine to sit and drink while Phaedra desperately tried to text her way through the program as everybody waited for Sheree to make her grand appearance in this shitfest of a program. Meanwhile, Cynthia wanted to make NeNe and Peter get along with each other or it may conflict with certain articles of the friend contract. Or something.
Sheree finally makes her grand entrance into the show and has only about five minutes in the program to the surprise of nobody who thought more than a second about how the role was being cast some one week prior to the show opening.
The ladies sling a decent amount of shade in their talking head interviews and the words "chitlin circuit" get bandied more times than in "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge."
After the show, Phaedra stalks her prey known as Cynthia and settles in to pounce on her.
"My uterus is my business" is probably one of the best things that Phaedra has probably ever uttered on this program as well as saying people could make statements or questions if she was borrowing THEIR vaginas, but since she wasn't, they need to leave her the hell alone. Except for the fact that Phaedra brought all of this attention onto herself AND that she's going for the wrong person's wig, we can't help but love this woman's ability to maintain the moral high ground in her head no matter what the situation.
NeNe and Peter make amends and are all weirdly lovey-dovey with each other. We're not saying that they are going to have an affair. We're just saying that they should probably sing this if they ever do karaoke with one another:
We end the episode with NeNe and Kim meeting for wine with a side of lunch to dish about Cynthia and her totally-not-serious-but-serious-for-this-conversation-because-we-are-some-hateful-bitches friend contract.
Kim finds the whole situation crazy and tries to paint Cynthia as batshit, which very well may be. We don't know. We do know that she hasn't tried to choke you in a mall like NeNe did last year so you need to re-examine some of your judgments of people.
The two head outside to have a cigarette where NeNe makes, to Kim, the shocking revelation that she'd date a man of Euro American background. As if this should come to a shock to anybody. We know and love the housewives and based on the years of watching this show, we've come to one simple fact: it doesn't matter if you're Black or White as long as you got that green. Ladies am I right?
And with that we bring to a close another stirring recap of the Real Housewives. See you next week everybody!
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