Ooo Eeee, Miley Cyrus, what the eff is going on with you? We mean, on a certain level, we completely understand what you're going through. Like, who hasn't been put out in the national spotlight by the Disney Channel and been examined by the likes of TMZ and Perez Hilton as you go through your adolescence and your brother puts out a crappy but catchy single and your parents split in the midst of rumors that your mama got it on with Brett Michaels? It's a story as old and cliche as time isn't? Right? Maybe?
Anyway, we understand how all of this would make you want to act out against your parental/managerial authorities who have basically wanted to keep you perpetually 14 for the rest of your life in order to make as much money as possible. And even that we sort of get because getting older can sort of kill your career as the tweens get older and become angsty and discover things like, we don't know, My Chemical Romance or something equally black-clothed in their existence while they rock asymmetrical bangs of earnestness and mumble quotes from "Catcher in the Rye" like any teenage asshat would. We get that, we know that, and we, unfortunately, completely lived that. We also thankfully had this period of our life undocumented by the press.
But your latest little stunt?
As has been discussed in exhausting detail, Miley Cyrus was videotaped smoking salvia, a legal weed-esque drug, on her 18th birthday. That videotape, done by assistant/friend, found its way, as these always do, to TMZ.
Our initial reaction was:
Because we were dead at your stupidity in this age of the omnipresent media to actually let yourself be filmed getting your puff-puff-pass on.
Now this has naturally caused a big ole stir as people at Disney scrambling as the last season of "Hannah Montana" still works its way through the pipeline while they've BARELY contained the mess that is Demi Lovato going to rehab at this point.
Oh Miley, this is so delicious, that in the words of Karen Walker, this must be fattening. So in honor of this whole ~scandal~, we've put together this little mixtape in your dishonor. We hope you enjoy it between bong hits.
Of course, we have to open this mixtape up with your so appropritate song "Can't Be Tamed."
We'll be honest. We love every bit of try-hard Eurotrash dance music that this is as you dance around in a cage, WHAT A DEEP METAPHOR FOR YOUR LIFE, while you AutoTune your way about what a rebel you are and blah blah blah INDEPENDENCE CAKES. It'll be a lot more headache inducing if your producers didn't know their way around a catchy dance beat and knew how to put your thin vocals and chipmunk cheeks to good use. Come on, let's be serious. Both Amanda Bynes and Miley Cyrus could have been up for roles as the Chipettes and would've saved the "Chipmunks: Squeakquel" a ton of money in terms of using CGI for the animation.
Some people have argued that it's unfair that Miley is getting so much crap when the likes of Bruno Mars, who was arrested for allegedly possessing cocaine, get to sort of skirt through the whole siutation.
Here is the thing, before people starting crying out HYPOCRISY from roof tops and whatnot. Number one, contrary to his songs appearing on "Glee," Bruno Mars doesn't skew nearly as young as Miley does so when he's arrested for being a big ole coke fiend ALLEGEDLY, it doesn't make waves. Plus:
Anyway, we take another page from your fantastic songbook as we go to the country-ish tune you did with Billy Ray titled "Ready Set Don't Go."
Billy Ray Cyrus, being the fine specimen of parental guidance, took to his Twitter to say how disappointed he was about the whole situation. Yes, that's the way to deal with your acting-out daughter. Twitter. Because that worked oh so well for the Lohan family. Right?
Even if his questionable judgment didn't make us rage, we'd still loathe Billy Ray Cyrus for his addiction to flat irons and his Soul Patch that he has decided to rock. Though we're not surprised at his bad styling choices since this is the man who rocked, UNABASHEDLY, the mullet and brought to the country the long national night nightmare that was "Achy Breaky Heart." We would link to the music video at this point, but our blogger refused on grounds of taste.
Anyway, we end this mixtape of rebellious origins with what could possibly happen to Miley if she's not too careful. Oh that's right, my lovelies. We are flashing back a few years ago to one of the great trainwrecks of VMAs. You thought "Womanizer" and a couple Candie's commercials were going to erase this from the public consciousness? Hells to the no. Up next, Britney Spears stumbles her way through the great "Gimme More" debacle.
Ugh, so much basicness. Just like Miley, Britney had a whole fan base of young folks looking up to her. Then she squandered it in a whole fit of crazy that culminated with head shaving, which admittedly had infinitely larger amounts of dignity than this whole performance. Miley is just a toke away from this whole existence, which Britney Spears has showed us can not be a career ender if you don't let it be.
Plus, we love the argument that it would've been hot if Britney had had her proverbial crap together. Nope. The choreography was rudimentary at best. Look below with the stand-in.
Pre and post Crazy Britney shakes her head at all of this.
Anyway Miley, this is what we're saying. We know you're going through a rough patch and making the transition from child to adult star is littered with "E! True Hollywood Stories." But smoking some low-grade, pseudo-weed is not going to gain you a broader fan base. Plus, you really need to fire the people around you if you can't even toke up without fear of it hitting the TMZ website. Your friends suck. Let's be honest since we know each other oh so well and know you just obsessively read this blog.
On the plus side, you may be able to get an endorsement deal out of this as the sales of salvia have shot through the roof since your video hit the Internet. We mean, celebrities have endorsed worse things:
Vivica A. Fox doing an infomercial for Psychic Friends Network
Or former football coach Jimmy Johnson promoting Extenze
Anyway, we raise a glass to you and hope you do well in pursuits and that your extracurricular activities don't complete sidetrack you.
And if not, see you on "Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab" in five years!
Oh Dr. Drew, if only there was a rehab for shamelessly exploiting the pain of others for your own personal gain. We'd totally be roomies!
And with that, we wish you love, peace and downloads!