Last week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kandi kontinued her konstant sex talk krap with her show Kandi Koated Nights, proving that there IS something more desperate than her hairstyle; Kim's daughter Brielle discovered that using the guise of morality is the perfect way to get some jewelry out of her mother so she asked and received an expensive purity ring; Phaedra brought home her totally premature *Cough LIAR Cough* baby home; Cynthia and her marriage storyline continues to be television Ambien; Sheree met with her Dr. Love friend who proved to be as jank as the weird part going down his afro; and NeNe continues to act the shit out of her storyline about the crumbling of her marriage, tearing out our hearts faster than she tore off her fake eyelashes.
This week on the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Peter randomly decides to not like NeNe while continuing to show his ever so charming personality while Sheree and Kim activate their Wonder Delusional Twin Powers in the form of acting and singing. Also, Kim's former gal pal Tracey makes an appearance while the ladies get their Fast and Furious on at a racetrack. Hopefully nobody will spill their Pinot Grigio while driving.
We begin this admittedly tiresome episode with back-to-back scenes of Kim and Sheree being their usual unself-aware selves when it comes to their various "talents." Kim, in her seemingly never-ending quest to finish "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" has decided to meet with Jan Smith, a vocal coach who hilariously dismissed the idea of Kim ever really being a singer back in season one. Proving to be not only tone deaf but just deaf in general, Kim has decided to side-step all the incredibly valid critiques of her voice to try to make another AutoTune-filled dance hit like "Tardy for the Party."
Off in Delusional Adjacent, Sheree is forging on her acting career that hasn't been mentioned since the first episode. Clearly, the editors on this show must be pulling double duty working on Glee as they seem to share the unique ability to pick up and drop storylines at will.
Anyway, Sheree and her Shelley Long looking acting coach meet together to discuss her potentially starring in a play that would require Sheree not to get paid for using her sundry thespian talents. Sheree and her Valley Girl side ponytail were not terribly pleased.
We actually looked up The Soul Factory and some of the shows they have put on. Feel free to SIDE EYE at any time:
The Boyfriend Girlfriend Thang,
How to Love a Black Man,
Two Angry People in Love Going Thru Hell,
She’s Fabulously 40 and Over
Everything sounds like it would have co-starred Kim Wayans' In Living Color character "Lil Magic."
Over at Cynthia and Peter's humble abode, they've decided to stop being boring by totally upping the CREEP factor. Apparently, Peter is stressed about his restaurant, which given reports about how he can't pay employees we can understand why, and has decided to inexplicably take his anger out on Cynthia and NeNe's friendship like any rational old ass man would do. Apparently Peter has a great disdain for the amount of time that Cynthia is on the phone with Ms. Leakes and expresses himself in a chilly manner all the while wielding a knife and cutting vegetables for dinner.
We're not saying that Peter is abusive. We're just saying that we've seen this film before.
Off in Kim Land, Kim and her former girlfriend Tracey show up to get their vocal coaching on. Kim, as always, acts exasperated to detail the fact that she and Tracey slept with each other in the same way all reality TV show people act like they didn't sign up for the show and didn't give exclusive interviews to the tabloids about it. The Once-bian doth protest too much in our opinion.
When not busily complaining while mentioning her brief trip into Ellen/Portia-ville, Kim tries to sing. You know, we don't even think she was trying at this point. She did what she seems to be her stock in trade which is to open her mouth and hope something good will come from it.
Over in Phaedra's storyline, she is having another one of her photo shoots. This time it is with baby and husband. The baby's reaction is what the world thinks about Phaedra and her delusions of grandeur.
Stay classy Phaedra.
Meanwhile, Sheree goes on an audition for a talent agency. In a true show of support, Sheree's acting coach tries to out desperate Sheree by rocking a flower headband.
Sheree then goes into the audition and we're not even going to link to that scene because it's so cringe-worthy in terms of how awful she is, how uncomfortable the agents are and how everybody has plastered on smiles for the benefits of the camera. It's like everybody in this storyline is treating Sheree not like a woman who, for no other reason but probably boredom, has decided to fling herself and her awkward jawline into the acting realm just for shits and giggles and approaches every little task without a smidge of graciousness but instead snippiness.
Nope, instead, they pretty much treat Sheree is getting all of this because she's a child frm the Make a Wish foundation and thus everybody must handle her with kid gloves because she'll die from cancer of the stank attitude in five to six months.
Next up, the ladies race each other in their cars. Kim, in true form, brings her former girlfriend Tracey to the race tracks and then gets annoyed that people want to ask Tracey questions. We maintain that Kim's mad that it's an interview that they aren't getting paid for.
Girl was pulling on that hair so much she was THISCLOSE to snatching her own wig, Aretha Franklin style.
The episode ends with Cynthia and Peter on their way home, starring in their own mini-drama titled YOU IN DANGER, GIRL. NeNe calls Cynthia and immediately goes after Peter for being so standoffish about her all of a sudden. Peter, graceful as always, diffuses the situation with charm and wit. Except not.
And with that we wrap up this edition of Peach, Please. We hope this show picks up steam again because sitting through the endless recording of Kim singing "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing." We'd rather hear Danielle Staub's "Real Close" again at this point.
On second thought.