Peach, Please: New Attitude

Hello, y'all and welcome to the first edition of "Peach, Please," our weekly recap of the brand new season of that wig-pulling, boo checking, finances of dubious at best standing, and personal favorite of the Real Housewives series, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Every week we'll detail the fights, the makeups, the open containers of wine in vehicles and the extreme amount of nose contouring makeup as the women of the show simultaneously make us laugh, cry, cringe and generally feel better about our own lives.

Last season on Real Housewives of Atlanta people acted a mess:

Thankfully, since wrapping season 2 and the start of season 3, nobody has come down with a case of dignity.

Like most season premieres, whether they be scripted reality or just scripted, it was a lot of exposition heavy stuff to wade through like Season 2 castmember Lisa leaving the show, Sheree's latest "passion" which is now acting and of course Kim Z. momentarily becoming part of a league of their own with her fling with a lesbian producer. Somewhere Danielle Staub is raging because of the theft of her storyline she was planning if she was allowed within 50 feet of season 3 of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

We even got to meet one of the newest members of the nuthouse, attorney Phaedra.

Phaedra is the reason why they created the term "bougie," let's be honest. Her whole existence is one massive side eye situation as she works as a successful lawyer but is married to a convict, fine as he may be. She loves foie gras but can't pronounce it correctly. Her name is Phaedra and is named to a guy named Apollo (which where did they even fucking meet, a Black People with Ancient Names Speed Date?) but slings shade at people who name their child something other than Dick or Jane.

She also continues the horrendous trend infecting the black community of women with already plump as can be lips slathering it was with a top coat of whore gloss. Just stop my sistas. And that my friend is our obligatory PSA.

Speaking of horrendous styling choices, oh Kandi.

Your hair folicals at this point are about as dead as your former fiance AJ.

When not making us question whether or not her house has had its mirrors repossessed, Kandi went on a date so boring we're not even going to link to that scene. The highlight though was Kandi saying she was going to celibate and her ever classy football player date asked, ON CAMERA, if that ruled out oral sex.

Anyway, we can't help but love Phaedra. We will give her credit for this moment of absolute clarity about the financial situation of fellow Atlanta housewife Sheree and Dwight's alleged helping out with her fashion show, giving her some $30,000:

"This sounds like a matter for civil court. But you since you don't have a contract and she ain't go no money."
The truest statement said in the history of this franchise.

Of course, all of this was all foreplay to the grand ole fuckfest that was NeNe and Dwight yelling at each other because class be damned, WE HAVE A SHOW TO DO PEOPLE.

The thumbnail image above screams of, "WTF, I just came here to get some knockoff slingbacks and have some wine around strategetically blurred pieces of copyrighted artwork. I should've stayed at home and watched Fantasia For Real like I was intending to."

In other news from this episode, Kim remains a hot ass mess who continues her march towards becoming a human sex doll. She was sort of blah this episode so we're going to link to a snippet of her single "Google Me."

Which girl, singer/former Chris Brown jump off Teyana Taylor did this "better" and by better we mean relatively less awful.

 Sheree continues to find new heights (or depths depending on your vantage point) of delusions, this time positioning herself as an "actress" which will probably go as well as her stint as a "fashion designer" judging by this show stopping "performance." (Aw how we love quotes of facetiousness, don't you?)

Oh, it's so nice to have you housewives back. Check in with us next week and we now leave you, in honor of the title of this week's episode title, Patti Labelle (and her hair that makes Kandi's look subtle in comparison) singing "New Attitude."

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