Greetings and salutations Mixtapers! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you WICCAN REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it never wants to be the same again.
It's Thursday and you know what that means. Besides being the thirstiest day of the week, it also means it's time for another fine, fresh, fierce, got those other blogs on lock installment of THROWBACK THURSDAY, the one day a week we'll give you a pass on wearing acid-wash denim jackets WITHOUT irony.
The past few weeks we've served NOSTALGIC REALNESS with the likes of classic 1990s teen comedies like "Clueless" and "She's All That" as well as looked back with sarcasm at the bliss that was MTV's "Daria." This week we're firing up our Delorean that we bought from Christopher Lloyd's garage to take us back the late 1980s to celebrate one of our all-time favorite films that used to be relentlessly played on television when we were growing up. Only in the 1980s could a film that included witchcraft, voodoo, rapping teens, naked ambition to become popular and give it a total sheen of wonderful wholesomeness as long as a moral lesson was learned at the end. But before we get to that bubbling cauldron of nostalgic goodness, we got a kettle just ready to overflow. So let us do what we do best and:
In our first cup of tea, Elizabeth Taylor hasn't even been buried yet and people are trying to walk all over her as those lovely folks at the Westboro Baptist Church have made plans to protest at the Hollywood legend's funeral for a myriad reasons including what they call her "enabling" of gays due to her HIV/AIDS work as well as the chief reason that the Church consists of total pricks. Try winning that slander lawsuit ASSHATS.
The Westboro Baptist Church will show up to any funeral to protest, for the flimsiest of reasons, just to get press. They are like if you took pseudo Hollywood actress Bai Ling and her tendency to show up to every Hollywood movie premiere and made it really toolish and offensive. You pretty much have nailed down the Westboro Baptist Church's methodology. You hear that Westboro. You're just a red carpet and discount designer dress from being the type of heathen you loathe.
Elsewhere, "Boardwalk Empire" starlet Paz de la Huerta, whose name will never not sound like some sketchy timeshare property Alan Thicke would try to convince you to buy in one of those late night infomercials on CNBC, got arrested for throwing a glass and punching former "The City" cast member Samantha Swerta. We're not quite sure what hurt Samantha more: the glass leaving pieces of itself in her skin or forever having to go through life having "former 'The City' castmember'" as your main identifier in articles.
In other court news, Lindsay Lohan, probably emboldened by jewelery store Kamofie and Company's total inability not to come off as opportunistic as well a member of Lohan's family, has told the judge in her case that's saying no to any plea agreement that would include jail time according to RadarOnline. While Lindsay has to contend with the fact that prosecutors are going to bring up her habit of allegedly having sticky fingers while the prosecutors have to contend with victims that had no problem selling the surveillance footage for some $30,000. Leave it to a Lohan case to make everybody involved look grossly unprofessional.
And that's the tea for today. Now fluff your hair and continue reading to get your THROWBACK THURSDAY on.
Thanks for continuing reading Mixtapers. Welcome to another fine, fresh, fierce, got your NOSTALGIA ON LOCK edition of Throwback Thursday, where you can, in this safe environment, finally admit to liking Ace of Base as a child and pretending to be Jerry O'Connell's character in "My Secret Identity." We're not going to judge you. To your face at least. Anyway, we're turning our focus to one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever to be made. "Citizen Kane"? Rosebud, please. "The Godfather"? Forget about it. We're talking about the masterful film known by the simple name of "Teen Witch."
If ever there was evidence needed to prove the massive quantities of blow studio executives were taking in the 1980s, all you have to do is look at both this and "Howard the Duck," a film we'll definitely get around to at some point. Hoping to cash in on the mega-success that was the werewolf-as-a-metaphor-as-puberty film "Teen Wolf," "Teen Witch" was a cobbled together exercise in teen flick tropes, inexplicable musical sequences and time period perfect insanity that ended up tanking at the box office when it came out in 1989 but soon, like so many other flops of the 1980s, a staple of basic cable programming. Seriously, between replays of "Teen Witch," "Mannequin," "Mannequin 2" and "Soapdish," I probably saw five minutes of the Gulf War as a child.
"Teen Witch" tells the simple story of 15-year-old nerd Louise Miller. We'll give the producers infinite amount of credit that they restrained signaling to the audience what a loser Louise is, OTHER THAN GIVING HER THE NAME LOUISE, by giving her some glasses to hide behind. Instead, her extensive collection of ugly sweaters does the trick. Anyway, Louise is desperately pining for the affections of popular guy Brad. Anyway, Louise is riding around on her bicycle and ends up stopping at a mysterious home. And because this is a teen comedy and not a horror film, Louise is not promptly gutted and put under the floor boards but instead finds out from Madame Serena that she is in fact a reincarnated witch that used to be friends with Serena in a former life. You know, sure, why not. We routinely here more ridiculous things on any given episode of "Glee."
Anyway, on Louise's 16th birthday, her magical powers come back to her and, like any good teenager, she uses them not to, you know, cure cancer or stop world hunger but instead become super popular and fuck with the mind of her evil English teacher. If we've learned anything from films, all English teachers are evil UNLESS they are teaching poor children in the ghetto that rap is just poetry set to some bomb ass beats. Anyway, soon Louise becomes super popular and total popularity, like absolute power, totally corrupts. Blah Blah Blah Moral lesson blah blah blah stay true to yourself yawn cakes.
What saves this movie from being "Carrie" without a body count is the sheer insanity of all the musical numbers/sequences that hurled about in this film. I mean, this is a film that has the cheerleaders practicing a number titled "I Like Boys." No. Seriously. That's what they are doing and that's what it's called and John Waters had NOTHING to do with any of this.
One of the greatest musical moments happens when Lousie uses her magical powers, again not to like stop war or solve the Middle East conflict, but to sneak backstage to a concert of her favorite singer named Shana. We're 90 percent sure that the writers/producers were aiming for some sort of unholy amalgamation of Cyndi Lauper and Madonna when they came up with the character of Shana; what they got was a more vocally talented Stacey Q.
Bonus, Stacey Q's performance of "Two of Hearts" on "Solid Gold"
And when the folks weren't bursting into routines or going to concerts in "Teen Witch," they were trudging all over town to music in a montage. Though she didn't have to take off glasses to become popular, Louise's hair suddenly did get a lot of life and body like any good popular girl.
What is there not to like about this sequence. You've got what amounts to a cheesy music video right smack in this movie, with Louise wandering around town as boys rap at her and her dorky rides around on her bicycle, doling out SARAH GILBERT MEETS MINNIE DRIVER REALNESS.
Speaking of Louise's dorky friend, no "Teen Witch" discussion would be complete without this scene. While people debate about whether or not Lil Kim or Nicki Minaj is a better female MC, the dopest bitch on the mic has been sitting on the sidelines, not getting all the respect she deserves. Salt-n-Pepa may have told us to push it real good. Queen Latifah put the ladies first. MC Lyte rocked the party. But nobody could touch the magic that is DJ Polly Goldenberg-Cohen. REPRESENT!
"Look at how funky he is" may be one of the most unintentionally hilarious lines ever delivered by any actor or actress in the history of motion pictures. Like, I want that phrase on a shirt, needlepointed on several throw pillows and written in the sky during my civil union ceremony. That MIGHT come close to how much I love how wonderfully awful it is.
We're not the only fan of "Top That."
Of course, like any good teen film, the grand resolution for all the troubles for Louise get sorted out at the prom. See, that's why things are so tense in this country right now. We just need someone to throw the biggest prom night ever, invite the liberals and the tea party members to it, spike the punch and everything would work itself out. Right? Maybe?
There have been attempts to turn "Teen Witch" into a musical since it became a cult hit but none of them have taken off. We're sort of surprised since if "Happy Days" can become a musical, anything is really possible. Oh yeah, the Fonz is totally a musical now because Broadway is just as crassly commercial as any other entertainment avenue.
And that's the Throwback Thursday for today! As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. BRING ON THE DISASTER THAT WAS CARRIE THE MUSICAL!