Happy Monday Mixtapers. Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving acceptance speech realness better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes to escape from Ryan Seacrest's inane questions on the red carpet. Last night was Hollywood's equivalent of the Super Bowl as the Oscars roared to life with Anne Hathaway and James Franco as the plucky hosts of the 12-hour long program devoted to the five or six films that came out last year that weren't a franchise sequel. We came, we saw and we Tweeted the whole thing, much to our dismay since it was, as always, an extreme borefest. Devoid of the free flowing booze of the Golden Globes, the music performances of the Grammys, the WTFness of the MTV VMAs, the only thing that Oscars have going for it is that, well, it's the OSCARS. To steal from Tyra Banks, this program is RESTING ON PRESTIGE.
But before we get to the ceremony, let us get to the tea first:
In either WTF or GET IT GURL NEWS, depending on how one looks at it, Kathy Griffin has hooked up with, of all people, the guy from the Old Spice commercials according to US Magazine. The 50-year-old comedienne extraordinaire and the 37-year-old pitchman aren't unoffical boyfriend/girlfriend pairing according to sources, but they have been seen together on the set of "Glee" where Kathy Griffin is guest starring. You know, what's magical about Kathy Griffin? This is infinitely less WTF of a hook-up than her pairing off with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak.
In other news, Justin Timberlake may have taken his Oscar snub as a sign to get back to making music. According to E!Online, Justin Timberlake might be heading back to the studio as early as this summer to do some recording. We can only hope so because for every "The Social Network," Justin Timberlake has also put out films ranging from the middling "Alpha Dog," the over-hype "Black Snake Moan," and the truly terrible "The Love Guru." Stick to the singing and bring sexy back and throwing Britney Spears under the bus, all the things you've done so well in the past.
And that's today's tea. Moving on, we're bringing Oscar realness into this post. And if you don't like it:
Oh the Oscars, how tedious you were this year. If it wasn't for Twitter, we don't know if we could've stayed up the whole time as your attempts to be "young" and "hip" were utter bits of failure. James Franco and Anne Hathaway were abysmal as hosts. Let's be honest, shall we? With Franco being as about as charming driftwood in a rented tuxedo, Anne Hathaway tried to make up for it with a suffocating amount of enthusiasm. NOBODY SHOULD BE THIS HAPPY TO INTRODUCE HILARY SWANK TO THE STAGE. That's all we're saying. The whole ceremony had a degree of apathy floating around it as scores of starlets hit the red carpet without ever allowing a brush to touch their hair. We're not quite sure why the messy bed head look was so prominent this year, especially since Keith Urban still managed to locate a flat iron before hitting the ceremonies with his nominated wife Nicole Kidman.
And you know what's sad about the Oscars? When the opening Oscars movie parody stuff was done better weeks ago by AOL. AOL, people?! When was the last time that company was even considered relevant. I mean, wer're 50 percent sure they still try to send out CDs with 10 free hours of service. Maybe? Anyway, AOL had kids act out the Oscar films, and the writing for it was infinitely more sharp and well-paced than James Franco and Anne Hathaway's material.
You’re watching Kids Act Out - 127 Hours. See the Web's top videos on AOL Video
And, as what has become a trend, the most hilarious part of the Oscars doesn't even happen at the Oscars. It's Jimmy Kimmel's post-Oscars show that has given us the hilarity of "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck."
As well as the "Handsome Man Club"
This year, we got Jimmy Kimmel's work out video:
It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan getting actual acting work for once.
"Black Swan," Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
"The Fighter" David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
"Inception," Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
"The Kids Are All Right," Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
"The King's Speech," Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
"127 Hours," Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
"The Social Network," Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán, Producers
"Toy Story 3" Darla K. Anderson, Producer
"True Grit" Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
"Winter's Bone" Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers
"The King's Speech" managed to triumph over the much buzzed about "The Social Network" to become this year's best film, proving this year was one of the easiest years to predict the Oscar winners ever. We're not saying that we disapprove of the choice at all. We have a deep affection for Colin Firth and all; it's just that it's such a predictable choice in such a hopelessly predictable show this year that we were hoping for some massive "Shakespeare in Love" over "Saving Private Ryan" or Marissa Tomei somehow winning an Oscar for "My Cousin Vinny" type of moment to wake us up out of the dullness that was this year's Oscars.
"Black Swan," Darren Aronofsky
"The Fighter," David O. Russell
"The King's Speech," Tom Hooper
"The Social Network," David Fincher
"True Grit," Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
We're not particularly surprised that Tom Hooper won for "The King's Speech" since the Academy adores British people as well as period dramas so what better than British people IN a period drama.
Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem in "Biutiful"
Jeff Bridges in "True Grit"
Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network"
Colin Firth in "The King's Speech"
James Franco in "127 Hours"
All we can say is, when Colin Firth eventually dies, we hope they use this clip for his In Memoriam segment:
Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale in "The Fighter"
John Hawkes in "Winter's Bone"
Jeremy Renner in "The Town"
Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right"
Geoffrey Rush in "The King's Speech"
To the surprise of no one, Christian Bale was awarded for his role "The Fighter." Unfortunately, he didn't bring the awesome, slightly tipsy crazy that he did when he was at the Golden Globes and accepting his award. This is why we believe that all award shows should have an open bar. Below, Christian Bale opens the door and seizes the day.
Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening in "The Kids Are All Right"
Nicole Kidman in "Rabbit Hole"
Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter's Bone"
Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"
Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine"
Natalie Portman won for her tour de force performance in "Black Swan." We know "Black Swan" has gone from the movie that was cool to love to the film it's popular to hate because of all of the positive buzz around it, but it was truly one of the best films we've seen. The best actress character was ridiculously strong this year. And you know somewhere Katie Holmes is burning "Dawson's Creek" era photos of Michelle Williams while waiting for Kennedys miniseries to air on some network nobody has.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams in "The Fighter"
Helena Bonham Carter in "The King's Speech"
Melissa Leo in "The Fighter"
Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit"
Jacki Weaver in "Animal Kingdom"
After a shameless Oscar campaign that many people thought ruined her chances, Melissa Leo managed to still snag the Oscar for her supporting role in "The Fighter." When accepting her award, Melissa Leo became the human equivalent of a Helena Bonham Carter dress: messy, ill-planned and a trainwreck that you can't turn away from as she babbled AND dropped the f-bomb because she's been nothing short of a picture of grace and charm throughout the awards season.
Not to be outdone, Kirk Douglas decided that he was just not going to leave the stage, briefly worrying Oscar folks that they had now taken on hospice care for him. But we will give him credit for having had a massive stroke and being aged AND STILL more together and lucid than Melissa Leo's speech and her Oscars ensemble.
Animated Feature Film
"How to Train Your Dragon" Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
"The Illusionist" Sylvain Chomet
"Toy Story 3" Lee Unkrich
Music (Original Song)
"Coming Home" from "Country Strong," Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
"I See the Light" from "Tangled," Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
"If I Rise" from "127 Hours," Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
"We Belong Together" from "Toy Story 3," Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
Ugh, Randy Newman. Though, we can't even say a snotty OF COURSE to his win since he's only one twice out of his 20 nominations but still. We simply adore the rage of Cher fans as they are insulted that Cher's shitty Diane Warren penned tune "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" wasn't nominated. You know that your film was beyond basic when it's a musical, and it can't even get nominated for Best Original Song at the Oscars. And while Randy Newman was busily sounding like Kirk Douglas' speaking voice, Florence Welsh managing to sing for a minute without actually uttering an actual word and Gwyneth Paltrow hilariously referred to as a "rising country star," this whole montage of songs was a big thing of awkward fail. Though the fail wasn't nearly as strong as whatever crawled up and died on Jennifer Hudson's head. Below, Mad TV takes on the magic of Randy Newman:
Random things we loved about the Oscars:
Javiar Bardiem and Josh Brolin dressed up like cater waiters.
Tyra Banks' Jesse Eisenberg obsession on Twitter.
The fact that Aaron Sorkin's speech was more well-rehearsed than half of the banter between James Franco and Anne Hathaway.
The fact that disco ball, metallic look was so in on the red carpet
Half of the women couldn't located a hairbrush but Keith Urban was perfectly flat ironed
The fact that barely half an hour into the awards show, James Franco was ALMOST as bored as we were by the show.
That Anne Hathaway was outshined by her amazing sparkling pumps by Brian Atwood.
Oprah Winfrey's breasts becoming their own long top of discussion on Twitter.
Anne Hathaway's child-contestant-in-a-beauty-pageant need to always be smiling and bubbly
The fact that Celine Dion, like Sarah McLachlan before her, has found a new career path by having her vocals put over something dealing with death and/or misery
The fact that the closest thing that this show got to be "young" was literally trotting out a bunch of grade school kids to sing "Over The Rainbow."
Our top five tweets from last night:
1. "Matthew McConaughey needs to figure out what shade of orange he wants to be and COMMIT TO IT"
2. "So Paltrow came to the Oscars as a baked potato wrapped in tin foil? Maybe?"
3. "Annette Bening looks like she's going as Judy Davis playing Judy Garland in that TV movie."
4. From our friend Tom, in reference to Natalie Portman's earrings: "Natalie...child please...stripper tassels."
5. "It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." Somewhere barebacking porn stars just went halleloo
And that, my friends, was the Oscars. We'd like to thank everybody who followed us on Twitter last night so much. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads! BRING ON THE DANCE MUSIC!