Hey Gleeks, welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, HITTING HIGH NOTES BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE edition of the "Gleecap," where we watch the show so you don't have to. After several long weeks of being on hiatus that gave us the prime opportunity to come up with our own faux-Gleecaps to tide us over, "Glee" made a less-than-auspicious return with a brand new episode featuring Gwyneth Paltrow, Cheyenne Jackson, and wow-they-remembered-they-ever-put-her-on-the-show-to-begin-with Charice as New Directions tried to raise money to make it to Nationals because they are always in financial turmoil outside of those big practice numbers. But before we get to what happened last night, let us catch up with what happened on the last new (and real) episode of "Glee."
New Directions made it to Regionals and of course this proved to be the perfect time for them to figure out whether or not they can write an original song. With some rhyming books, they got down to business with Mercedes fulfilling her obligatory sassy black girl stereotype by singing a song called "Hell to the No," Santana singing her magnificent ode "Trouty Mouth" to Sam, Puck leaving no opportunity to make some reference to Lauren's weight go amiss by singing a tune called "Big Ass Heart."
Meanwhile, Quinn plotted to keep an eye on the burgeoning friendship between Finn and Rachel by helping Rachel with her original song. And by help, we mean try to destroy Rachel's self-esteem which did actually lead to Rachel's big solo song so we guess Quinn is owed a thanks in Rachel's eventual Oscar speech. The other members of New Directions wrote a song called "Loser Like Me" and inexplicably gave the big solo of it to Rachel, despite spending two seasons complaining about her getting all the solos.
Over at Songwarts, Blaine and Kurt made out.
And really? Isn't that all we need to know about that storyline. Ugh, fine. Kurt's bird died, Blaine decided to sing a duet with Kurt. Then they made out. we're the context of the tongue swapping is hugely important to you.
Elsewhere, Jane Lynch was busily trying to turn shit into gold with Sue's umpteenth attempt at destroying Mr. Schue and his Glee club. As always, like any good cartoon villain, Sue failed miserably. We're waiting for the moment that she starts getting her plans from the Acme Corporation.
And that's what you missed on the last episode of "Glee." Continue reading to get all the highs, lows, and Paltrows of last night's episode.
We kick off the episode with the kids of New Directions gathered together in the choir room since it's pretty much the only class they attend at this point. Anyway, Mr. Schue is discussing with the kids how they have no money since all the Cheerios funds are tied up in offshore bank accounts as manipulated by Sue Sylvester. You know, given all the batshit crazy that happens on this show on the regular, this little explanation is more sound than we usually ever get, like how Sue is able to punch a Lt. Governor's wife in an auditorium and not get in the least bit trouble. Anyway, Mr. Schue, wildly out of touch as per usual, thinks that the Glee club kids should sell saltwater taffy. Maybe they can eat that while down on the boardwalk, popping money into ye olde nickelodeon machine, Mr. Schue. Santana finds this plan dubious at best since she just got slushied by Karofsky the other day because the writers have decided that they need more people involved in the Kurt/Karofsky storyline.
Before the thing can completely devolve into a bitch session Mike Chang stands up and angrily talks about how nobody cares about how he, Tina, Artie and Brittany are going to a championship with their, up to this very moment never mentioned previously on the show, academic Brainiacs team. Mr. Schue, tactful as always, publicly questions why Brittany would on the team because, you know, that's great teaching skills as they explain that Brittany is a genius when it comes to cat diseases. We're pretty sure she probably discovered all of this when she got even with her cat for reading her diary.
Anyway, the team doesn't have money to go to Detriot so everybody is all Sad!Panda about this. Are we really supposed to believe that rich-ass Santana, who is pining for Brittany still, wouldn't offer up the necessary measly $250 to send them to the stupid competition? Yes, yes, it's going this way because plot dictates so.
Tina says it's just too embarrassing to ask their parents for the money since their a school group. Apparently, nobody on the writing staff on "Glee" has ever been part of an after school activity since parents pretty much fund all that shit. But whatever. Mr. Schue feels guilty so he decides that New Directions will help their neglected brothers and sisters in song raise money for the Brainiacs group that will probably never be mentioned again after this episode. What a great use of money and not a waste of plot-time on this show at all.
Elsewhere, Sue has gotten herself together a band of people who have way too much free time on their hand. You've got Cheyenne Jackson as Vocal Adrenaline's coach Dustin Goolsby, former New Directions leader Sandy Ryerson and Will's crazy ex-wife Terri. Sue has gotten them together to destroy Will and the New Directions. Why do they care? Because the plotline dictates such. Once you embrace that aspect of "Glee," everything else pretty much falls into place.
Anyway, we cut over to Mr. Schue's humble abode where Gwyneth Paltrow is because her one woman crusade to prove that she's not a frigid bitch is never going to end until we all just smile, nod, and tell her what a special fucking butterfly she is and how much we relate to that endearing GOOP website of hers.
Paltrow as Holly Holiday suggests a benefit concert to raise money and that the music should focus on "neglected" artists. We assume, in honor of this episode, the writers decided to neglect writing something interesting. Rachel immediately voices how this is a great idea since she considers herself a hugely neglected artist. Because nothing quite says NEGLECTED like receiving an MVP award after Regionals from your fellow members of New Directions.
We come back from a commercial break to see that Sandy Ryerson has been able to enlist Karofsky's bully buddy Azimo, Sue's hench-girl Becky and Jewfro. Their grand plan? To heckle the members of New Directions into submission. Really? That's the best you got. They routinely got slammed into lockers, had slushies thrown at them and ended up in trash heaps, but yeah, some boos are really going to fuck up their lives. This solid plan of attack makes me think that either Sue or Sandy Ryerson were somehow personally involved in the planning of the Iraq War.
Anyway, the Glee kids encounter Sunshine, who was sent to a crackhouse back in episode one of this season byRachel; it's a detail that the show harps on as if they are hugely proud of actually remembering something that previously happened on this show.
No matter, Sunshine proves to be just as tone-deaf to social situations as Rachel as she talks about how she feels neglected because she's so amazing as a singer. How either one of these girls walk around through life without somebody constantly pimp slapping them we will never know. She volunteers her services for the night of neglect, which Rachel cries foul on but finds herself vetoed after Sunshine does a version of "All By Myself."
Why the costumers decided that this song needed Sunshine in a Mary Tyler Moore beret, we're not quite sure. Maybe that bad styling choice is what almost moves Puck to tears during the performance. Also, we liked this song a lot more when Emma sang it in season one.
After the performance, Rachel decides that she and Sunshine should be the closing numbers while Mercedes gets shuffled off somewhere else. Mercedes, who started off the series saying she wasn't going to be anybody's Kelly Rowland, totally goes along with this plan of attack because, say it with me, because the plot says so.
Lauren, seizing an opportunity to a plotline that doesn't involve rejecting Puck, confuses respect with fear and decides to fashion Mercedes into a diva. If you don't see a stirring heart-to-heart with Rachel and a big solo number coming at the end of this episode-long storyling, you've clearly never watched TV. Ever. Also, we love that Lauren, who is not working with Sue at all, can do more to disrupt all of New Directions than Sue's whole Legion/League of Doomed For Failure.
We come back from commercial with Emma and Will talking to one another. Emma's OCD has gone cray cray again as she struggles to accept that Dentist Carl has left her. While the two bond, Holly Holiday watches through a window. Between all the lurking that Quinn did during Regionals and Holly Holiday's standing around, we're surprised anything hallways aren't cluttered with folks just waiting to intensely stare at a situation that tangentially relates to them.
Over in Mercedes' storyline, she's making all sorts of diva demands that include puppies and humidifiers and bowls of M&Ms because what's a Mercedes storyline without some mention of food. Rachel, continuing to be a moron, stokes this whole situation by insisting that she gets to sing the second-to-last song because she's Rachel Berry. Someone has their self-awareness hearing aid turned down to mute.
Anyway, back in the we-must-destroy Will storyline, Holly Holiday is clumsily seduced by Dustin of Vocal Adrenaline.
Will walks in on this and gets mad about the situation because plot dictates such. The two part almost as awkwardly as this whole episode has been written.
The big benefit show. Kurt CoBlaine show up and are two of the only people in attendance and are wandering through the halls when they come into contact with Karofsky, who is just as warm and sunny as he always is when dealing with Kurt. Awesomely, the Not-Ambiguously Gay Duo have Santana on their side.
Vocal Adrenaline coach has pulled Sunshine of the show, which means there is nobody in attendance since not even the parents of the New Directions people want to listen to them apparently. Such wonderful adult role models that are all over the place on this program. Anyway, Tina goes out on stage and tries to perform a song of Lykke Li's and finds herself shut down by the hecklers in the audience. We imagine this is the same reaction she gets in the Glee writers' room when she tries to suggest storylines for herself.
Anyway, the folks of New Directions are all to get their shit together and Mr. Schue decides to dole out saltwater taffy to shut up the hecklers while Mike Chang does all kinds of fancy dancing to Jack Johnson.
A bunch of plot points all crisscross each other as Mercedes has stormed out of the building while Holly Holiday decides to make a VERY SPECIAL MOMENT about saying crap about people. The hecklers decide to go home, not because they were touched by Holly's words of inspirations, but because they basically have better stuff to do. JOIN THE FUCKING CLUB.
Rachel and Mercedes have a heart-to-heart about why Mercedes feels so under-appreciated. Rachel always gets to shine. Mercedes never does. You know, except for all the times they give her big glory notes at the end of tunes. Anyway, Rachel pretty much tells Mercedes she's too nice and needs to be more like Rachel and embrace her inner sociopath if you want to become a star. You know, we wouldn't chisel that into stone or something, but it's not the absolute worst message this show has ever delivered.
Inside, Holly Holiday is singing Adele's "Turning Tables" because, you know, Adele is the textbook definition of a neglected artist.
Who, other than maybe a deaf person, hears an Adele song and thinks PERFECT SONG FOR GWYENTH PALTROW. Even Marlee fucking Matlin would sign "HELLS NO" to that idea.
Mercedes comes out with a sparkling dress and her choir to break it down for the audience and hit Sandy Ryerson where it hearts with an awesome rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Ain't No Way."
What's that sound? That's the sound of your ass being taken to church.
We end the episode with Holly Holiday accepting some job somewhere (and hopefully not returning to guest star for a long time) while telling Will that he clearly still has a boner for Emma. And thanks to her great counseling skills, Emma has a lady-boner for Will. Elsewhere, Mr. Ryerson decides to fork over some of his drug money to help the Brainiacs go to state. And thankfully, that's the end of the episode.
Join us next week as Kurt makes his return to McKinley High. We're sure that's going to go smoothly.
Can't wait until next week's episode of Glee? Check out our trilogy of fake episodes of Glee now!