We're doubling the Glee, doubling the iTunes sales this week as "Glee" had a brand spankin' new episode after the Super Bowl that featured cheerleader canons, Michael Jackson mash-ups, and a stunning amount of character development for a glorified guest star in the form of bully Karofsky. Meanwhile, Finn made out with Quinn and made peace with Puck but still was distant with Rachel because kissing Puck is infinitely worse than getting knocked up by Puck and lying about the child being yours, which actually sort of fits the amount of dumb logic Finn seems to careen through life with. Elsewhere, Brittany, Santana and Quinn quit the Cheerios because a trophy is not worth almost killing themselves for one of Sue's stunts. Plus, we got a completely shoehorned in scene of Fairy Potter and the Warblers singing "Bills, Bills, Bills," discovered that Kurt still lives at home and is not attending a boarding school and saw that the Lohans are going to be the whipping post for "Glee" this year. Whew.
Before we recap all the hot mess of this Valentine's Day-centric episode, which makes the fact that the high school football team was seriously playing a championship came in Feb. even more suspect, let us do what we do best as we got a big plastic cup filled with some TEA, ready to throw!
First up, Prince does what relevancy hasn't been able to by kicking Kim Kardashian off the main stage. Kim Kardashian was pulled up onto stage during Prince's gig at Madison Square Garden and was asked to dance because we're pretty sure Prince initially thought it was Apollonia, his co-star in "Purple Rain" at first, but just rolled when it we discovered instead it was the E! starlet. When ordered to dance by Prince, most people would be busting a move like crazy. Not our Kim Kardashian. After awkwardly standing around for a few seconds, Prince dismissed Kardashian because his name is Prince, and he is funky. The E! redeemed herself, slightly, when Prince gave her another chance to come up on stage. This time he probably thought she was Vanity.
Next up, "American Idol" winner/reality star/professional bad life decisions maker Fantasia Barrino may be pregnant with the child of the married man she was seeing and whose former wife recently sued Fantasia in court for alienation of affection according to a report. We're taking this news with a grain of salt as Fantasia admitted during the alientation of affection trial that she had once gotten pregnant by Antwaun Cook but chose to abort the child instead.
In other news, Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. According to TMZ, Zuckerberg has obtained a restraining order against Pradeep Manukonda, a 31-year-old man who kept sending Zuckerberg messages, showing up to Facebook offices and wouldn't stop with the Mafia Wars requests. Okay, we made up the last one but those stupid game requests should be grounds for restraining orders. And curiously, this restraining order is coming on the heels of the one WE just filed to keep Zuckerberg from ever having to "act" ever again like he did on "Saturday Night Live."
In news surely to cause a spike in suicides among English majors everywhere, Bristol Palin is writing a memoir to come out this summer because nothing qualifies a person for a book deal quite like being unable to properly use birth control.
Oh "Glee." Maybe coming off the bumper crop of high cotton foolishness that was the Super Bowl has clouded our judgment completely, but this Valentine's Day focused episode of "Glee" was actually a pretty solid episode from beginning to end, with the usual spotty moments of screwy characterizations and slightly jank song choices we've come to rely upon since the inception of "Glee."
We kick off the episode with a Puck voiceover, voiceovers a thing woefully abused this episode but still infinitely less annoying than the chirpy sing-song disembodied voice over at "Desperate Housewives" so we'll give it a pass this time, as he narrates how he has fallen in lust with Lauren. We're pretty sure this is supposed to be some sign of personal growth, but we're sticking to the belief that Puck is just running out of ladies in the Glee club to try to mount. Either way, Puck is fully in awe of Lauren's admittedly bad ass way and can barely contain his enthusiasm when Finn decides to bring all attention to himself with his own voiceover about how all the ladies want in his pants because of winning the championship game.
Here is our first and most egregious bit of sucky characterization as Finn plots to try to make out with Quinn because his loins are suddenly on fire for her again, in spite of her cheating on him and trying to pass off Puck's kid as his. But whatever. She's pretty and blond and came out of being in "Burlesque" with some semblance of her dignity intact so that must count for something. Anyway, Finn, being the special butterfly that he is, comes up with the idea of having a kissing booth. Do they even do kissing booths anymore? They don't even let kids play on woodchips anymore so the idea of school sponsoring tongue-hockey is maybe a stretch. Anywho, Finn dresses this all up in the thinner than Lea Michele's legs guise that this is all for the glory of Glee club.
Meanwhile, Santana finds herself hilariously called out for pretty much being an awful human being. An awful human being with on-point accessory choices but shitty homosapien nevertheless.
Off at Hogwarts, Kurt is doing what he does second best to being bullied, which is to pine for somebody who is completely oblivious for those desires. Blaine most likely is too busy shellacking his hair down to see the foaming at the mouth Kurt has for him, which is a shame, especially when Blaine inadvertently makes it sound like he's going to confess his love for Kurt.
Back at the other high school, Puck decides that singing a song called "Fat Bottomed Girl" is the most amazing way to get into Lauren's heart. Let us commence with all the glorious second hand embarrassment.
In other bits of questionable judgment which is blooming all over this episode like a bouquet of roses, Sam questions Quinn about her feelings for Finn as if she, himself or especially the audience give two shits either way. Sam baits Quinn into kissing Finn, who feels fireworks for her when their lips touched because nothing like making out WITH THE GIRL WHO TRIED TO MAKE YOU FALSELY BELIEF YOU WERE THE FATHER to spark those old feelings again.
Meanwhile, we're supposed to care that Rachel is still pining for Finn because they are going to beat that dead horse into some glue by the end of the season. Mercedes, who proudly declares herself single and fabulous because she a) wants to focus on her talents and b) the writers are too lazy to write her a boyfriend, encourages everybody to embrace their singleness and whatnot. Because there is nothing like the independent spirit when chosen by default by bored writers.
So while the group is busily NOT PRACTICING ROUTINES FOR REGIONALS but instead singing love songs to one another, the Warblers get enlisted by Blaine to ambush some junior manager at The Gap by singing Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone." There are so many I CAN'T things about that plan that we're surprised it didn't collapse under the sheer weight of its stupidity. But this being "Glee," stupid ideas have the resiliency of Superman so people go along with this plan and this goes as well as you can imagine anything connected to the Gap or Robin Thicke could.
Elsewhere, in a rare and most likely accidental bit of continuity, Santana decides to use biological warfare like Sue to get her way and to out the making out going on between Quinn and Finn because girlfriend has nothing better to do in her day than to be mad at people apparently. Whatever, at least her characterization has been one of the few consistent things on this show other than its inconsistency.
Anyway, Rachel comes and Florence Nightingales Finn for a split second before snapping back into focus just in time to attempt Katy Perry's "Fireworks," a song that shouldn't be sung by any person. Ever. Seriously, Katy Perry, look at your life, LOOK AT YOUR SHEET MUSIC when you were penning that. But "Glee" bless Lea Michele for giving us the valiant try with a song that I was sure they were going to save for the inevitable episode where Karofsky comes out of the closet. But I guess that is what Lady GaGa is for.
We end the episode with Quinn and Finn struggling with their mono while Santana and her evil are completely and thus able to enjoy breadsticks at Breadsticks while the rest of the Glee members come to enjoy the vocal stylings of the Warblers as they tackled "Silly Love Songs."
Overall, the episode was more good than bad in a lot of ways. We're going to pretend that the slow build-up of the Lauren/Puck and Blaine/Kurt is good writing that is actually pacing itself correctly for once instead of it being, you know, the writers being scared to write non-traditional couples. Elsewhere, we're going to need a neckbrace for all of the character whiplash happening with the Sam/Quinn/Finn storyline. There are so many other ways to break up Sam/Quinn other than cheating that it was beyond lazy to click the "Quinn likes to cheat" button again, especially for a relationship we never bought in the first place.
And we're not even going to mention the disaster that was the failed joke about Tina being made so emotional by "My Funny Valentine" or the weird-ass transition for Artie and Mike's "PYT." Okay, we will. THEY WERE SOME BULLSHIT. The best moment of the episode? Lauren whooping some Santana ass.
Anyway, that's it for our first real Gleecap of the year. Join us next week as more songs are sung, more characters have random personality transplants and our eyes are rolling hard all the way through.
As always we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE CHOIR: