Gleecap - The Prom Gleek

Morning Gleeks! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, SNATCHING THE CORSAGE OFF YOUR FAVORITE edition of the Gleecap, where we take you to the prom when you can't find anybody else. It's the big prom episode of "Glee," and though we're like 99.9 percent sure it can never measure up to the clusterfuck we concocted during our faux Gleecap trilogy, we're absolutely certain that the episode will deliver enough poofy dresses, inexplicable characterizations and random music numbers to keep all of us happy. And if not, we've totally spiked the punch with Everclear to guarantee this stuff will be on and popping. But before we start awkwardly posing for photos and trying to figure out who we're going to vote for prom queen (hint: ourself), let us first get down to what happened . . .

Fleetwood Mac made a pretty little penny as the kids from New Directions sang selections from the group's album "Rumours" due to guest star Kristin Chenowith's suggestion that New Directions had a bad case of the Macs, the one socially transmitted disease that Puck hasn't had to get treatment for at this point. Sue, proving to single-minded in her quest to destroy Mr. Schue, starts up the school's newspaper if only to drop a bunch of blind item rumors about everyone in the school including implying that Sam and Quinn are banging each other at the seedy motel he is staying at and Rachel/Finn have been staking out. Turns out that Sam's family is poor, and he even had to sell his guitar. Thankfully they still have money for his hair dye and gym membership. Mr. Schue briefly contemplates Cheno's offer to join her as she tags her musical, "Cross Rhodes," to New York before realizing that his true goal is to help the kids get to Nationals. Oh also, Brittany got called stupid by Artie, we found out that Mike Chang's wang is huge, and Santana is still using Karofsky as her beard. With so many plot points you'd think that last week's episode progressed some things. But you'd be wrong. Oh so very wrong.

Drunk!Blaine wants you to continue reading . . .

We kick off this all-new episode of "Glee" with one of the "Glee" writers favorite tropes, the character of Jacob Ben Israel or more commonly (and un-P.C.-ly) Jewfro. As he was during the season premiere, Jacob's here for the "Glee" writers to directly address critiques from the Gleek fandom. This time, we're tackling criticism leveled at the alleged neutering of Puck because of his relationship with Lauren, which really has reduced Puck to a big ole softie. Almost as soft as the rolls on Lauren's body. Terrible joke is terrible. But Jacob goes out of his way to be a dick to Puck and when Puck threatens to punch, Jacob tells him that it's okay; he's been punched by a girl before. Tis a painful truth for Puck. Almost as painful as listening Mark Salling's solo album.

We cut over to Principal Figgins' office as he announces that his first choice of bands, Air Supply, has dropped out and now the folks of New Directions are being asked to fill in. This comes only as a surprise to Mr. Schuester and Sue Sylvester who is in charge of prom; the rest of the world saw this plot point coming so at least the writers decided to dispense with it quickly. Will, at first, hilariously protests about it because the kids of New Directions need to practice for Nationals. That argument didn't seem to rear its ugly head last week when they were getting their Fleetwood Mac on or basically any other week of this program because rehearsals be damned when you need LIFE LESSONS to be learned, right?

New Directions choir room. The kids are busily discussing the trials and tribulations of buying/getting a prom dress. Lauren suggests that she might get in touch with her inner Molly Ringwald and make her own prom dress, much to the dismay of Santana. We've seriously only ever seen teens in films and TV get this excited about the actual prom. Binge drinking before, after and sometimes during it? Yes, that gets excitement. But this whole BEST-NIGHT-OF-OUR-LIVES is some fantasy b.s. created by the prom dress industry.

Anyway, Mercedes gets all Sad!Panda and flees the room as we find out that she doesn't have a date to the prom because that football player that was interested in Mercedes ten million episodes ago when she was leading a tater tots rebellion must have transferred to Dalton along with Kurt. Maybe? Anyway, Rachel tries to console Mercedes about how she doesn't have a date either so they will be two single ladies, putting some tulle on it.

We cut over to Kurt and Blaine hanging out together with Kurt asking Blaine out to the prom because this prom, not unlike that wedding episode, is going to revolve a lot around Kurt we suspect. Anyway, Blaine is at first hesitant about the notion of attending prom because of his failed Sadie Hawkins dance where he got the crap kicked out of him as well as his male date. Kurt initially sees going to the prom together at McKinley as a way for Blaine to confront his past and make a statement and blah blah somebody must have Netflix "Milk" prior to this conversation, but he also, for once in his life, sees the other side and offers to go to a movie instead. Blaine decides to do a prom night with Kurt. And the VERY SPECIAL EPISODE GODS are pleased.

Over at the auditorium, Rachel and Mercedes decide to ask Sam out on a date. Sam seems nervous at first because he is poor and couldn't afford to take one girl out on a date let alone two. Come on Sam, you damn well know that if you walked down the hallways without your shirt, you'd be getting paid to take girls (and a few boys) to the prom. ESCORT REALNESS. Anyway, Mercedes and Rachel have come up with the cute idea of a budget prom with a budget of basically nil.

We go to commercial and come back to Tina, Brittany and Kurt going through a prom dress run-through. Lauren comes out and is basically dressed like a hefty Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" with a faux fur shawl. Kurt, in a rare showing of tact, tells Lauren that maybe a more muted color would suit her better. Santana looks amazing in red, of course. She pulls Kurt aside to let him know that the Bully Whips are going to protect as part of her on-going prom queen campaign.

We cut over to a brief scene with Artie and Puck, one of the few consistently written relationships on this show, with Puck trying to convince Artie to help him spike the punch at prom. He's already worked out a full-plan of attack. Artie says no to this idea since he's too busy obsessed with getting Brittany back. The same Brittany who was cheating on him for months with Santana. But apparently him calling her stupid is the actual sin to be atoned for. Yet further proof that Brittany is an idiot savant in her ability to get away with anything.

The McKinley auditorium. Rachel enters to do a performance of "Rolling in the Deep" and finds herself being interrupted by Jesse St. James, last seen last season egging Rachel. Let us say that Jesse comes off very, um, THEATRICAL(?) with his little scarf as he turns "Rolling in the Deep" into a duet. Thank god the background players know their harmonies!

After the performance, dim bulb Jesse talks about flunking out of college and then promptly asks Rachel to the prom. Rachel, devoid of anything resembling pride or self-respect, immediately agrees to this. This is what happens when your sassy gay friend gets a hot boyfriend; you're left adrift.

We come back from the commercial with Rachel being confronted by Finn about her going to prom with Jesse St. James because being her ex-boyfriend totally gives him the right to have a say in this regard? Maybe? Anyway, Rachel is of the same opinion of us and tells Finn to seriously back the hell off and then hilariously tells him that she's always been respectful of his relationship of Quinn. Nothing says RESPECTFUL like pointedly singing "Go Your Own Way" at them. But whatever, WHAT DO WE KNOW? NOTHING. 

Anyway, even though he's gotten all up in her business and she's still secretly pining for him and this is the worst teen relationship model since Chuck sold out Blair for a hotel on "Gossip Girl," the writers expect us to be touched when Rachel offers Finn advice about the right corsage to get Quinn. GURL.BYE.

After a brief scene of Santana and Karofsky working to protect Kurt for the good of their prom campaign, we have Artie interrupting Brittany's Home Economics class to ask her out to prom. Apparently you're totally allowed to disturb classes on "Glee" as long as its in the form of a musical number. And of course, Kurt is the only guy in the class because he's a gay. Breaking down those stereotypes left and right. aren't we? Also, nothing says I WANT YOU BACK like singing a song that is about loving a child. Granted, given Brittany's mental faculties, we'll let this one slide.

Brittany turns him down and Artie agrees to help Puck spike the punch because "he's got nothing to live for." Rachel and Artie desperately need to make a trip to Dr. Phil's couch.

We cut over to the Hummel home with Blaine, Burt and Finn lounging together as Blaine says that he a) wants to be low key at the prom and b) wants to perform with New Directions. Nobody sees these things as innate conflicts of interest but whatever. We're too busy being stunned by Kurt's kilt ensemble as he whirls about the Hummel living room.

Finn is supportive of this choice, declaring it a gay Braveheart look while Burt things that Kurt is now just seeking out bad attention. Kurt storms out of the living room. AND SCENE.

Next up, Kurt and Karofsky share a perfectly coordinated moment together as Karofsky gets teary-eyed over his treatment of Kurt. So now he's sincere about this all? We're confused. Maybe it's the fact that a redemption arc is supposed to take longer than one forty minute episode. But that's just us.

We get Quinn getting picked up by Finn and the meeting of the budget prom kids at their favorite restaurant. Finn and Quinn walk by and Finn throws oodles of shade at Jesse St. James, asking if he ordered some eggs. You know, because he threw eggs at Rachel that one time last season. Rachel, for reasons completely unknown to us, does not immediately volley back, "Well you took back the girl that faked that you were the father of her baby so whatever, we've all made interesting life decisions." Instead Mercedes shoos them away and everybody clinks their glasses of water. Jesse, for his part, is drinking coffee. This is "Glee" writers way of showing that he's older than the kids. CHARACTERIZATION REALNESS.

We go over to the prom with Puck and company singing “Friday.”

So we're supposed to believe that Puck, who is desperately trying to regain his bad boy credibility, is going to get up in front of the school with Sam and Artie and sing Rebecca Black? REALLY? Granted, that's less of a stretch than the fact that this is first of two songs that make references to it being a Friday when the prom is happening on a Saturday. We don't know why, but this bothers us primarily because it's not like they couldn't have tweaked that. Anyway, blah blah which seat should I take blah blah blah.

We come back from commercial with Rachel being a total Debbie Downer by singing that stupid "Jar of Hearts" song. Apparently everybody is so moved by the slow nature of the tune that they are skipping over the emo-nature of the lyrics while Finn and Rachel exchange a plethora of MEANINGFUL LOOKS as Blaine and Kurt stand around and avoid slow dancing like the plague. We like to believe it's because their sense of taste forbids them from swaying to this tune, but we know it's really because gays are only allowed one special moment of touch/bonding an episode because then it makes it all special. The saving grace of this sad tune is that Sam asks Mercedes to dance. Get that white chocolate, Mercedes!

Puck tries to put his plan into action, but Artie is immediately caught and gets interrogated by Sue. Meanwhile, Blaine, Tina and Brittany are breaking it down to The Black Kids' "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You."

In the midst of the fight, Finn gets all crazy possessive of Rachel and instigates a fight with Jesse St. James. Well it's more shoving match than actual fight. At least it didn't turn into a singing battle. The boys are kicked out of the place by Sue. Why Artie didn't take this moment to wheel himself to freedom we don't know.

Karofsky ends up winning prom king. And the prom queen goes to Kurt Hummel, who gets "Carrie"-d without having to deal with any nasty pigs blood. Kurt goes running out of the auditorium. Will he regain his composure, find his inner strength and return to reclaim his title while making a sassy/inspiring speech about the matter? MAYBE.

We come back from commercial all the characters are having various nervous breakdowns with Quinn bitchslapping Rachel.

Of course, because Rachel has no backbone, she immediately accepts Quinn's apology and says that she sort of enjoys the drama of it all. My god, it's like the writers have a bet to see who can write this girl the most pathetically. Anyway, Quinn makes her umpteenth speech about how she's only pretty and has nothing else to offer to the world. Rachel offers that Quinn has a lot to offer. Without ever giving any examples. Amazing.

Elsewhere Santana and Brittany have a heart-to-heart about Santana is holding back and that's why people didn't vote for her. Or, you know, it's because she's a raging bitch. But we guess the truth has no place in inspirational montages.

And out in the hallway, Kurt comes to the shocking conclusion that some people don't like gay people even if they don't come out and say it. Dear God, can we just have Dan Savage make an appearance, tell Kurt "It Gets Better," out Jesse St. James for the flamingly "theatrical" person that he is and end a few of these storylines? Blaine, at first, tells Kurt it's just a joke, which we guess if you've gotten the crapped kicked out of for being gay, a little thing like ending a homophobic joke of being prom queen seems minor.

Kurt goes back into the auditorium, which is apparently filled with people who haven't moved one inch in the past five minutes, and gets his crown while lamely making some Kate Middleton reference. No1curr about Kate; it's all about Pippa. Kurt somehow restrains himself from breaking his crown into pieces and tossing out to all the outcasts in the audience and instead tries to get Karofsky to use this moment to come out of the closet. Yes, because Kurt being made prom king is a bright shining example of what a loving and caring environment Karofsky is going to enter into once he's out? SIDE-EYE. Karofsky walks off and Blaine steps in as Mercedes and Santana sing "Dancing Queen."

And that's it for the big "Glee" prom. Sadly, nobody lost their virginity and/or disposed of anything in a dumpster. We guess that's what Senior Prom is for. See you next week Gleeks!

Be sure to check out our original take on what we think a Glee prom would be in our faux Gleecap "Gleek Swan."

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