Morning Gleeks! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, SNATCHING THE AUTOTUNE VOCALS OFF YOUR FAVORITE edition of the Gleecap, where dish on all the high (and low) notes of episodes. Last night was the heavily promoted, GaGa-infused episode of "Glee" that was supersized to be a whole 90 minutes. If you thought that this supersized episode meant anything other than Fox being able to cram even more commercials than normal into their cash cow program, we're going to need you to take a seat away from us. Preferably in another room. Because we don't want to catch your debilitating case of naivete. But before we talk about what happened last night, let us press rewind on our mental DVR and go back to last week's episode.
Gwyneth Paltrow stopped writing her Goop for five seconds to make her umpteenth appearance as McKinley High School's only substitute teacher and Mr. Schuester's girlfriend who gives Will the bright idea of doing a benefit show for the New Directions to raise money for both themselves and for Artie, Tina, Mike, and Brittany and their Brainiacs club to go to Detroit. A club we're never going to hear about again. Sue Sylvester created her own League/Legion of Doom with former New Directions director Sandy Ryerson, Will Schuester's ex-wife Terri and Vocal Adrenaline coach Dustin Goolsby and tries to destroy the benefit with a wide variety of shitty tactics that not even Wile E. Coyote would sign off on. Elsewhere, Santana got tossed into the Kurt/Karofsky storyline when he tossed a slushie in her face, and she threatened him with the razor blades in her hair. And that's what you missed on last week's "Glee."
Put that hand over your heart and continue reading the Gleecap!
We kick off this ode to self-love, of the self-esteem kind not the masturbatory kind because "Glee" isn't that awesome, with Mr. Schue meeting with the kids. Mr. Schester is concerned that New Directions sucks at dancing. Half of them suck as singers as well, but apparently we can only fixate on one crippling deficiency at a time.
No matter, the kids start moving about and that graceful butterfly Finn knocks Rachel to the ground and causes her to break her nose as she is told by her doctor, played by George Wyner; We remember him as a sexually-harassing dentist on "Golden Girls," trying to feel all up on Rose Nylund's titties, so we're dubious at best about this character having Rachel's best interests at heart.
We barely have time to comtemplate any of this as "Glee" has forgotten to take its Ritalin so we're breezing through scenes at hyper speed. We cut back from the doctor's office to the choir room of New Directions where Rachel drops the bombshell about wanting some plastic surgery on her nose.
The fact we're going to go through this whole storyline without a single overt reference to Ryan Murphy's "Nip/Tuck" is pretty terrible, given the fact they'll give cameos to pretty much anybody on this program. Everybody gets up in arms about Rachel changing something about her body, because this week the New Directions is a nurturing environment for her, but Santana, remembering the choir room is a place for unchecked bitchy commentary about others, cuts through all the b.s. and points out all the flaws sitting in the place:
Up next a blur of exposition. We start with Will and Emma cleaning fruit together as Will tries to be both enabler and savior for Emma as she continues to stew in the crazy juices of her OCD. We cut from this to the hallway where Santana has decided she needs to be prom queen as the way to win back Brittany from Artie. She's in the midst of this scheming when she notices Karofsky walking by and checking out Sam's ass (WHO WOULDN'T) and both her scheming and her gaydar alarms start going off loudly in her head.
This leads us to some of the ladies from New Directions hanging out with the lady-boys of Songwarts aka Kurt and Blaine. While the Not-Ambiguously-Gay-Duo prattle on about Kurt not wanting to come back to McKinley with the threat of Karofsky in the air, Santana realizes that getting Kurt back to McKinley will be her key to getting the prom queen title because, you know, the student body gave such a shit about Kurt when he was being pushed all over the place in the hallways of McKinley. But sure, let us go with this theory, Santana.
McKinley High. The New Directions kids are busily tweaking their performances so they can win Nationals. Nah, we're just fucking with you. Instead, the kids are going to be singing songs embracing their flaws and are going to end the week by singing Lady GaGa's shitty single "Born This Way" while wearing shirts that proudly declare their flaw. Emma leads the charge by embracing her ginger-ness much to the dismay of Will because he was hoping for some declaration of her taking on OCD. Here's a hint Will, check back in ten thousand hours when this episode is over with. You might be plesantly surprised.
We come back from commercials and Lauren is standing at a glass case, salivating over a prom queen crown. We got a flurry of flashbacks of Lauren as a kid as she explains to Puck on how she used to compete in beauty pageants and win. Of all the things they've wanted to believe in this goddamn show, this is a pretty minor offense to our suspension of disbelief. Puck thinks that Lauren should run for prom queen because they both need a storyline, and they already gave Mercedes her moment in the sun last week so god forbid we build upon that foundation by having her, newly confident and unneglected, make a bid for prom queen.
Doctor's office. Rachel and Quinn are there together with Quinn being her nose muse. How Rachel exactly convinced Quinn to come with her we are never allowed to see because that would be interesting, and this show has never not been a collection of loosely connected plot points bridged by musical numbers. But seriously, we'd kill to know how that conversation went: "Hey Quinn, so I want to change my nose to look just like you. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you're dating the boyfriend I'm still in love with. Want to come with me?" "Oh my god, totally!" Anyway, this trip together leads us to our first musical number of the night as Quinn and Rachel do a mash-up of "I Feel Pretty" from "West Side Story" and TLC's "Unpretty."
We cut back over to McKinley High where a troop of chunky girls are all about Lauren running for prom queen in spite of the fact that Lauren is basically an asshole. Quinn goes off on Lauren and tells her that the only way Lauren could win is if it was basically a remake of "Carrie." Lauren, who is suddenly being written the same as Santana, says that people like her because she keeps it real and whatnot while Quinn is a big ole fake. Why nobody is throwing Quinn's teen pregnancy in her face left and right during this storyline is beyond ridiculous.
Coffee place. Santana and Karofsky are having a pleasant cup of blackmail, no cream, as Santana tells Karofsky she knows that he's a big ole mo because he was just checking out Sam's ass (AGAIN, WHO WOULDN'T). She also informs that she has got some girl-loving tendencies and offers that they could be each other's beard and also become prom king and queen. The fact that Santana restrains herself from making a joke that Karofsky can even wear the tiara if he wants to is remarkable growth for her. She does offer up one of the only truly funny line so of the episode by declaring, "The only straight I am is a straight-up bitch."
After a brief scene of Finn and Quinn bickering about Rachel and her nose job, we're blessed with a scene with Finn celebrating the fact that he's a terrible dancer, which is fine and dandy if he wasn't in a show choir that required dancing. But whatever, go forth special clumsy butterfly and flap your awkward wings while singing "I Gotta Be Me."
When Finn finishes, Tina has a change of heart about her appearance, a thing so abrupt that even Rachel calls her out on it. Undeterred Rachel is more determined than ever to get the nose job and only sort of flinches when Finn tells her not to because she's pretty. We're sure Quinn, sitting right next to him, totally appreciated that one Frankenteen.
We come back from one of the bajillion, yeah said bajillion, commercial breaks with Will angrily confronting Emma for not putting OCD on her Frankie Goes to Therapy t-shirt. He goes as far as sitting down with a bag of unwashed fruit and starting to eat them as some form of shock therapy. Meanwhile, we're horribly disappointed that this didn't cut to Will being sick from food poisoning but still maintaining that Emma needed to get help for her issues.
We whiplash from this scene to the choir room where Karofsky is apologizing for his horrendous behavior. Hilariously, Santana is mouthing along the speech he is given. Karofsky and Santana announce their love for each other, which gets a really warm response from the members of New Directions. And by warm, we mean the vomit they are all desperately trying to keep down. They also unveil they've started their own version of the Guardian Angels called the Bully Whips, going around in berets (WAY TO DEFLECT ANY GAY SUSPICIONS) and stopping people from picking on others. Of course Figgins is all over that because GOD HELP somebody in administration take it upon themselves to sort out these issues.
We go from this scene to Kurt, Burt, Karofsky, Papa Karofsky, and Mr. Schuester meeting to discuss things. Burt, being one of the few non-moronic people in all of the Glee-verse, immediately senses the total bullshit of Karofsky's turn around. Papa Karofsky, actually being a decent person and one of the rare parents you ever see on this program, tries to convince Burt of Karofsky's sincerity. Kurt, clearly being Burt's son, wishes to talk to Karofsky alone. Kurt makes Karofsky out Santana's plan as well as make Karofsky agree to help start a chapter of PFLAG at the school. If Karofsky has learned anything from this week's episode is that homosexuals aren't just sassy friends; they are also masterful schemers.
And wham bam, Kurt has transferred back to McKinley. No seriously. There is no scene between the scene in the office and his grand return. Oh Glee, never change your disjointed pacing. It's so comforting. It's nice to know that half-a-season at Songwarts hasn't dulled Kurt's propensity towards dressing like a gay minstrel, but we wear purple skinny jeans and bow ties on the regular so we refrain from throwing a full amount of shade. The Warblers, who apparently don't have to be at school two hours away, have come to spend off Kurt with Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" with the help of a stray piano.
We love how the show can never decide if McKinley High students love or hate these impromptu performances. Either they inspire sex riots (Toxic) or are met with total apathy (Empire State of Mind), depending solely on what the plot dictates for that week. Also, we adore that a school in fucking Ohio has a stairwell that is completely open to the elements. Not like it ever snows or anything.
Anyway, we go from "Somewhere Only We Know" to "Sunset Boulevard" as Kurt starts walking around the hallways, the stages, the dressing rooms of McKinley High while singing "As If We Never Said Goodbye" in that annoying high register, which is less off-kilter than the fact that he always looks like he has no teeth when he sings. Go back, watch any performance of Kurt. Without fail, you will see at least ten minutes where it looks like he misplaced his teeth somewhere.
After that seemingly endless number and yet another commercial break, we have a long sequence of Lauren and Puck breaking into records to dig up dirt about Quinn. Because Puck knocking her up last season, her passing it off briefly as Finn's child and giving her child to Rachel's birth mother/Vocal Adrenaline coach Shelby doesn't fall under the category of "Dirt" apparently. Anyway, their master sleuthing skill that bypasses the obvious is able to find out that Quinn used to be a fatty and her real name is Lucy. If the show was supposed to make us feel for Quinn, they don' failed since she will always be a two scoops of vanilla served up in a beige bowl. Plus, it makes her bullying of Rachel even worse in retrospect since she went through the exact same thing. We do, briefly, feel bad for her when it turns out Lauren has plastered posters of the offending photos all over the school.
Up next, a totally necessary scene of a flashmob to convince Rachel not to get a nose job.
It's a good thing that flag burning is protected under the Constitution because Kurt is setting his stars-and-stripes ensemble on fire.
Next, Emma is in therapy. It's actually an amazing, nuanced scene that is better than what you'd think "Glee" would do for a therapy scene.
Back at McKinley High, Finn continues to be a one-man, pretty-faced, self-esteem boosting machine as he hugs and makes out with Quinn after showing how he now has her Ugly Betty picture in his wallet. Awww, we guess. Meanwhile, Lauren's plan completely backfires, of course, and now Quinn has an even greater shot at being prom queen because she's a fucking inspiration or some such shit. Whatever, the show clearly ran out of energy with this plot, and we're getting tired ourselves.
Santana and Brittany have a meeting with each other at the lockers as Brittany trots out a stolen joke from "Golden Girls" as she gives Santana a shirt that says "Lebanese" because Brittany is just one brain cell away from throwing a discus at the Special Olympics. Below, the original, better "Lesbian/Lebanese" joke:
We end the episode with everybody embracing not only their flaws but also their inner member of Up With People as the club sings "Born This Way." Totally a good use of time as they prep for Nationals, right? Right.
And that is the Glee for today! As always we wish you love, peace and downloads! Next week, Glee autotunes the fuck out of Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours." Finally, Stevie Nicks will have something more embarrassing than singing with Taylor Swift to shake her head and scarves at. See you then!