YouTube is the Drug

To the left, evidence of what happens when two bored people with little to no social lives outside of each other get a little tipsy on raspberry vodka and tonic water with a stomach base of pigs in a blanket/croissants and the faint memories of the Cher doll episode of Will and Grace. They end up ordering a Brooke Shields doll circa when her career consisted of going commando for Calvin Klein and staring awkwardly into a camera on Bob Hope specials. Ms. Shields, who is currently starring in Lipstick Jungle (another name? The Sex and the City rip-off not starring poor, poor Lucy Liu) and her more plastic-y facsimile came into my life like almost all things do of late: YouTube.

One late December afternoon, I was at my laptop and looking through YouTube at probably my umpteenth Best of Stewie clip montage when I was overcome by that strange animal we call nostalgia. And nothing quite feeds that beast quite like YouTube so it came to little to no surprise that YouTube had a plethora of videos centered around the original, high concept/low quality, secret identity, pop singer Jem and her rainbow coalition of a band The Holograms. The illogical nature of Jem--why do they need a designer when they have Synergy, why is Jerrica not mad at Rio trying to fuck her AND Jem, and how could The Misfits commit attempted murder at least one time per episode and NO ONE called the cops--would drive most people mad but I revel in it. I survived the last two seasons of Grey's Anatomy for God's sake.

Somewhere between a very special episode of Jem where one of the Starlight orphans get hooked on pills that have the same side effects of about a million various drugs and the episode of Jem where they go searching for inspiration in Shangri-La--the writers were clearly on those aforementioned drugs--I found myself at the true, creative heart of Jem: the commercials.

The Magic Bullet be damned, 80s cartoons were the best infomercials ever created and Jem succeeded quite well at it, without even having one of those lame ass "Knowing is Half the Battle" educational moments like G.I. Joe. The only educational thing that ever came from Jem was that telling a Starlight Orphanage kid that her birth father is waiting in the lobby is a totally successful diversionary tactic.

Anyway, as I watched a few of the Jem commercials, almost all of which are variations of her Truly Outrageous theme song, I saw a little "You may enjoy this as well" thing that always traps me on YouTube for hours, days if I'm properly hydrated.

And then came the moment, the amazing-ness that is the Brooke Shields doll commercial.

So much perfectly encapsulated cheese with a wonderful jingle--"Brooke! Shields! she's a beautiful doll!"--to a vaguely bitchy voiceover--"Pretend she's a model! Pretend she's a teenage star!"--all combine together for 29 secs of delightfulness.

And it would have ended there but for the fact of my friend whom I'll call "Eddie," New Year's Eve filled boredom, and an eBay account. After watching the commercial a few trillion times, Eddie got the idea to find it on eBay and make a bid on it. And not unlike the real Brooke Shields, there wasn't necessarily a feeding frenzy over the doll. Eddie put in a bid for 25 dollars. He won the uncontested race for Brooke Shields and only ended up paying 13 dollars for it.

Brooke, as Eddie so jubilantly liked to refer to her, arrived some two weeks or so later to his humble abode with her box, her contents, and most noticeably, her eyebrows, untouched by time or tweezers.

From the back of the box:

"The most photographed...voted the best dressed...model, t.v. and movie star. Brooke Shields, a multi-talented, beautiful young lady who's captured the hearts and dreams of the young world. She's now a dazzling glamorous 11 1/2 inch tall fully posable real living fashion doll. Brooke's long wavy 'sun high-lighted' hair can be shampooed and styled for any occasion. Her adoring fans can see Brooke dressed in a two-tone bulky cowl-neck sweater, and her long slim legs covered in ribbed tights and white cowboy boots. A special personalized gift from Brooke to you is also included--A star shaped adjustable ring and an autographed photograph of Brooke Shields. Complete with stand and hair brush, Brooke's a natural beauty who will win over any little girl's heart."

I'm sure there were far cooler ways to ring in the New Year's than the way Eddie and I did. I know some of my friends went to the bars or had really crowded parties. Eddie, myself, and his yappy Yorkie dog drank Sierra Mist out of straws and ordered Brooke Shields doll on ebay while contemplating whether or not Whitney Houston was going to make her comeback and the horrendous state of her completely ashy legs in promo photos from her concert in Malaysia. Which, oh my god, have you seen some of that shit?

Go look right now on the YouTube. I'll wait.

. . . . .

I know, right!

Anyway, we may not have had the coolest New Year's with our 1940s vinyl records and crescent rolls, but I bet you're jealous you don't have a Brooke Shields doll to commemorate the ringing in of 2008.


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