You know when your life is incredibly fucked-up? When you're hospitalized after getting naked and having a drunken rage-a-thon in your hotel room, and the world greets this news with essentially either "Well, that's actually sort of mild for him, isn't it?" or:
Welcome to the high cotton foolishness that is Charlie Sheen. According to various reports, the still-on-probabtion star allegedly came back to his ultra posh hotel and proceeded to lose his goddamn mind all over the place to the point that the woman who was with him, generally assumed to be an escort of some sort, called the cops to come deal with him before locking herself in a closet.
I mean, where do we even begin with you Charlie Sheen? You have a lengthy history of doing crackpot things. In 1990, you accidentally shot your then-fiancee Kelly Preston. Then there was that whole little Heidi Fleiss thing. In the late 90s, you survived a drug overdose of cocaine and your dad Martin Sheen actually asked the judge to toss your Estevez ass in rehab. Then there was the whole marriage with supposed "actress" Denise Richards plus your spouting off about how you thought 9/11 was some sort of controlled demolition and not a terrorist attack.
Charlie whenever you think something is good to do, just say:
And what we sort of find humorous in an awful sort of way is how this totally will not affect your career. At all. When you were being accused of threatening your wife with a knife, ratings for Two and a Half Men remained high. Which sidenote, WHO IS WATCHING THIS SHOW? We hear old people leave it on to go to sleep to and that's why it's got gangbuster ratings.
You are the Teflon Douche at this point especially compared to Mel Gibson who can't even get a cameo in The Hangover 2 which is head shaking since, you know, nobody made a big ole fuss about Mike Tyson being in the first one. AND HE WAS CONVICTED OF RAPE.
But we're not scientists and haven't been able to quantify a sliding scale of douchebaggery.
We honor Mr. Sheen and his inability to make good decisions with today's Thirsty Thursday mix.
First up, The Noisettes and their tune "Saturday Night" off their Wild Young Hearts album.
The opening lines of "I've waited for so long/Put up with your shenanigans/I'm going to take you on/And you won't know the half of it" seems like it could've been the start of any number of restraining orders filed by the various women in Charlie Sheen's life.
Next up is Kate Nash's "Dickhead" from her Made of Bricks album
This one is sort of self-explanatory, no?
Lastly we have The Cardigans and their tune "I Need Some Fine Wine (You Need to Be Nicer)"
For Charlie I suppose it should "I need some men in uniform and you, you need to be saner."
Bonus, you can't get through a bad decisions making mix without a little Amy Winehouse, here is Winehouse shutting down an acoustic rendition of her song "You Know That I'm No Good" which most likely will be the future title of Charlie Sheen's inevitable VH-1 dating show.