Well, well, well, end of the year, we meet again, now don't we? Time sure flies when you're trying to figure out the ending to "Inception," donate money to the Gulf Oil spill clean-up and the Haiti Earthquake while disavowing all knowledge of the "We Are the World" remake, avoid sitting behind Lady GaGa and her meat dress at an awards show, wonder when Will.I.Am will be banned from making music, declare yourself not a witch in your political ad, hide your wives/kids/husbands, watch a double feature of "The Lost Boys" and "License to Drive" in memoriam of Corey Haim, make your own "It Gets Better" video, DV-R every single episode of this final season of "Oprah," try to land yourself a reality show based in New Jersey, question why you'd cast Michael Cera/Megan Fox/Jennifer Aniston in anything at this point, do the dougie like a G6, ask and tell and start your own unofficial Betty White Fan Club.
It's been a cray cray kind of year filled with disasters, both of the natural and of the Christina Aguilera's "Bionic" album variety, celebrity break-ups, the solidification of the Tea Party movement, the dominance of dance music on the pop charts, a depressed housing market, a "Glee"-ful television landscape, the exit of Simon Cowell from "American Idol" all while reading Stieg Larsson and WikiLeaks.
We here at the Majak Kingdom think it's never too early to become nostalgic about things so we're looking back at all the highs and lows of 2010 in our week-long feature "Look at Your Year, Look at Your Choices," where we remember the year because you were too busy being in a Loco-induced alcoholic coma to remember any of it.
We kick it off today with a tribute to a year's worth of headline-grabbing, tabloids-selling, Perez Hilton posted gossip that dominated the year as stars lost control of their minds, their bodies and often times their Twitter accounts. We're tackling nude photo leaks, shocking celeb break-ups, not-so-shocking celeb stints in rehab/jail, the outing of celebs, and all the feuds that were worthy to be detailed on a daily basis in "Page Six."
So stop e-mailing pictures of your junk to people (LOOKING AT YOU FAVRE AND KANYE) or accidentally posting photos of your boobs (YOU'RE NOT AN EXCEPTION HAILEY WILLIAMS OF PARAMORE) or giving campaign contributions while being a news correspondent (LOOKING AT YOU KEITH OLBERMANN) and instead enjoy the scandals below
"What Women Want . . .Is Not To Be Called Whores, Mel Gibson."
You know what? At this point, we're really going to be surprised when Mel Gibson ISN'T going off on a some sort of wildly ill-advised rant at somebody. Just four years after the whole DUI debacle that found the "Mad Max" star in the eye of the media storm after calling a female police officer "sugartits" and making mind-numbingly anti-Semitic remarks, Mel Gibson found himself again snatching failure out of the mouth of success when tapes of his conversations with now ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva as they waged a custody battle against each other.
With a regularity that you could set your Swatch too, tapes leaked on a weekly basis with Mel Gibson allegedly saying all sorts of gloriously politically correct things like if Oksana was "raped by a pack niggers," it would be her fault.
Mel Gibson's favor has fallen so far at this point that even other stars are dishing the dirt about him as Winona Ryder recently gave an interview with "GQ" magazine and detailed how she had gone to a party many years ago and had run into Mad Mel:
And while Ryder was busily spilling the tea about Mel Gibson, comedienne/TV hostess/and seemingly professional celebrity apologist Whoopi Goldberg came out in defense of Mr. Gibson."I remember, like, fifteen years ago, I was at one of those big Hollywood parties. And he was really drunk. I was with my friend, who's gay. He made a really horrible gay joke. And somehow it came up that I was Jewish. He said something about 'oven dodgers,' but I didn't get it. I'd never heard that before. It was just this weird, weird moment. I was like, 'He's anti-Semitic and he's homophobic.' No one believed me!"
Come on Whoopi,
"Drunks say stupid things all the time." Really? REALLY? We're pretty we're blotto 95 percent of the time and have yet to insinuate that somebody deserves to be raped or that Jews are the cause for all the wars in the world. Is it because we've been sticking to vodka? Maybe?
Next up, we take on the John Travolta scandal with
"Look Who's Outing Now"
With friends like Carrie Fisher, who needs enemies? We personally love the notoriously candid actress but even we here at the Majak Kingdom had to trot out ye olde side-eye when Fisher basically outed the very much married John Travolta in an interview with "The Advocate." This was just another layer in multi-tiered cake of crazy that has been the Is-Travolta-Gay-? story that has been all over the tabloids for the past few years but picked up a ton of steam this year due to a tell-all book Robert Randolph that details all of Travolta's alleged misadventures in bathhouses around Los Angeles.
Gay or straight, we don't particularly care about John Travolta's sexual habits and would gladly love to live all of 2011 without having to see him shirtless on the cover of supermarket tabloids.
Next up, Sandra Bullock gets cheated on and gets shortlisted for Sainthood in
"While You Were Sleeping . . . I Was Having a Lot of Sex While Wearing Nazi Uniforms."
"The Blind Spot" is not just a film that Sandra Bullock received an Oscar for this year but is also a reference to her ability to choose a decent husband. Girl, we love you and all, but we're still not quite sure how you couldn't smell the stank musk of D-bag just emanating from your now ex-husband Jesse James. I mean seriously, just having his photo up on our screen makes us want to take a cold shower and call up a free clinic. How you didn't go screaming in the opposite direction when you first got with him and his ten ton baggage known as his pornstar ex-wife Janine Lindenmulder we will never know.
And of course Jesse James would cheat on Sandra Bullock with a woman named Bombshell McGee, an occasionally Nazi paraphernalia sporting with a heavily tattooed skin being a weapon of mass distraction.
In Jesse James' defense, we're like 75 percent sure he probably thought he was having sex with "Dead or Alive" frontman Pete Burns.
We'll give Ms. Bullock a lot of credit for managing to come through the whole experience with grace and dignity as she went onto adopt a baby AND got to kiss with Scarlet Johansson.
Next up, Charlie Sheen makes a poor life decision. The world remains unshocked by this turn of events in
"Major League Asshat."
Charlie Sheen started off 2010 on a wondrous note by taking a break from "Two and a Half Men" to go into rehab. The viewing public with decent taste, in turn, wished that "Two and a Half Men" would take a break from existing.
Anyway, when you're going into rehab and it's just February, your year is pretty much fucked, at least on a personal level. On a professional level, Charlie Sheen was doing better than ever, inking a deal with CBS to star on "Two and a Half Men" for another two years at the cost of almost $2 million per episode. Giving everybody who has allowed "Two and a Half Men" enough ratings that they can shell this out to Charlie Sheen a Prince-endorsed SIDE-EYE:
Anyway, in October, Charlie Sheen was taken from his hotel room at the Plaza Hotel in NYC after getting his party on with some alcohol and cocaine and causing something like $7,000 worth of damage which is chump change for Charlie Sheen since he makes somewhere around that much money PER MINUTE during an episode of his show.
Speaking of rehab, let's talk about Disney star/Brothers Jonai ex-girlfriend Demi Lovato and her current stint in rehab in
"Sonny With a Chance . . . of Fail"
Oh Demi Lovato, where do we begin? More vocally talented than Miley Cyrus, less Kewpie doll looking than Selena Gomez, we were sort of rooting for you. Well not so much "rooting" as not immediately turning the channel when you came on the screen. WHATEVER.
We feel bad about your current situation as you now have checked yourself into rehab to deal with a host of personal issues. We hope one of the treatments is your shit taste in boys because no good has EVER come from dating a Jonas brother, particularly Joe Jonas. As we've said before, have you not heard anything from Taylor Swift's discography? If you haven't, well, we sort of want to live in that world.
If punching a dancer in the face, a potential lawsuit, your TV show being reworked to accommodate your temporary absence (read: THEY REPLACING YOU GURL), now there are rumors that there is a sex tape out there.
In a statement released to TMZ, your rep said:
Perpetrating these completely unfounded rumors from supposed sources while Demi is in treatment dealing with serious physical and emotional issues is disgusting. We would ask serious news outlets to strongly consider the source of this story before they regurgitate it
It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marples or even Chip and Dale to see how your representative has carefully avoided actually denying that the tape exists.
Speaking of a star in rehab, time for requisite mention of Lindsay Lohan's troubles in
"Machete . . . To My Career Prospects."
Lindsay Lohan, when it comes to your life decisions this year, we're exhausted. We're going to make like that JetBlue flight attendant who quit:
We're not quite sure if you've done anything right this year. You signed on to play porn star Linda Lovelace in a bio-pic of her life that just screamed exploitation. And then you got dropped from the film because you were allegedly to costly to insure. You went to court with the words F.U. written on your middle finger because the justice system is just known for its self-deprecating sense of humor. Your mother Dina remains your greatest enabler while managing to make you lose your lifetime of free ice cream from Carvel, which may be the greatest tragedy out of this situation because lord knows we love our ice cream.
(This is our atonement for that John Travolta tabloid cover)
We don't know what is the most hilarious aspect of that whole debacle: the fact that Carvel thought it was a great idea in the first place to get a big ole addict free anything; the fact that Dina, OF FUCKING COURSE, allegedly abused the gift from Carvel because Dina has the heels of her Louboutins firmly planted in her daughter's coattails; or maybe it's the fact that Carvel actually had the balls to revoke card from Lohan, showing more disciplinary action towards her than the whole California legal system in the past few years. Actually, we think it's the fact that losing a lifetime free ice cream pass because of your enabling mother and family members abused it is one of the most dignified things that happened to Lohan in 2010 is what makes this whole thing brilliant.
And with that, we close this first day of "Look at Your Year, Look at Your Choices." We've hoped you've learned a lot of valuable life lessons from the scandals above. Always assume that you're being tape recorded at all times, seeking counseling the first time your parental unit refers to herself as your "momager," never tell any of your secrets to anybody who was in "Stars Wars" except for maybe Harrison Ford and figure out how to get yourself a CBS sitcom.
We'll see you tomorrow, when we take on some of the biggest flops in films, TV and music. Ciara and "Sex and the City 2", you should be shaking in your respective lacefronts and Spanx right now.