We're back for yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, better than your favorite edition of The Majak Mixtape, where we add the soundtrack to life's most trivial moments the way that God intended. Today we take on one of the year's biggest trainwreck disasters this side of Denzel Washington's film "Unstoppable," which would actually be quite the apt name for this young lady's downward spiral from child actress star to teen queen to young adult wash-out. And no, we're not taking about Demi Lovato.
Which sidenote, can we talk about something just between you and us? Since we are ever so close and this totally won't leave this post? Let's. So the whole Demi Lovato thing keeps getting more and more batshit as everybody fights to see who can be the biggest asshole in this situation. You have Demi Lovato who went all cray cray and now is in rehab due to alleged self-harm issues, which has been the buzz of the blogs for months ever since she showed up to events with what looked like cuts on her arms. Her management hilariously tried to squash that rumor by saying the cuts were in fact marks from where she had been wearing rubberbands. We'll give them TWO SNAPS for creativity.
Then the dancer that Demi allegedly punched has been working to get her ka-ching because why the eff not we suppose. According to a report on RadarOnline, the terms of a deal have slowly been hammered out between the dancer and Demi Lovato as the dancer is asking for not only a monetary settlement but as well as an apology from Demi AND a donation to a charity of her choice. We suppose the last part is supposed to off-set any anger from Demi Lovato fans who are accusing the dancer of just being money-grubbing. Girl, don't even bother with that since those fans are nuts and have gone after "Twilight" actress Ashley Greene just for bearding, we mean DATING, Joe Jonas. Which Ashley, given how the past few girlfriends of Joe have gone slightly mental for a period (LOOKING AT YOU T-SWIFT AND YOUR TEN MILLION JOE JONAS BREAK-UP SONGS) and now Demi so all we're saying is:
Anyway, the trainwreck we're focusing on is, of course, Lindsay Lohan, who seems to be locked in some secret competition with Charlie Sheen to see which one of them can make more bad decisions in one year.
Which, sorry, another sidenote: Charlie Sheen. Somewhere Mel Gibson and Lohan are wondering if you're going to start teaching classes on how to never be damaged by scandal. Ever. If John Gotti was the Teflon Don, we're pretty sure Charlie Sheen's nickname would be the Teflon Douche. NOTHING EVER HURTS THIS MAN'S CAREER NOWADAYS. Note even allegedly going ape on some porn star escort in his hotel room.
Seriously, at this point, we believe every time Sheen does a line of coke, an angel gets its wings, and therefore that's why "2 And a Half Men" remains the ratings juggernaut it is. Divine intervention is the only way to explain that shows continuing success. That and maybe the inordinate amount of old folks that probably fall asleep with their channels tuned to CBS.
Lindsay Lohan, or LiLo to her ever dwindling fan base, is currently sitting fugly behind the walls of the Betty Ford Clinic. And even safe and secure in a rehab place, Lohan and her Lohan brood are still able to make headlines because none of them have taken Regina George's advice to:
Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina seems to be spending her time shuttling back and forth between visits to Lohan in rehab and holding interviews about her daughter since she read that is a totally helpful thing to do in Jade Barrymore's How To Screw Up Your Child Actress Daughter Book with a foreword from Drew Barrymore. Seriously though, Dina has been everywhere the past few weeks, recently talking about how deeply hurt Lindsay was about "Glee" and their joke about how Lindsay Lohan is totally bonkers.
According to interview done with RadarOnline, Dina says that Lindsay was upset by the joke:
"Lindsay was watching it while in Betty Ford, then she called me and was upset and said, 'Why did she have to do that?'"
Really? You're sitting in court mandated rehab and this, THIS is what is going to make her upset. Dina asserts that Lindsay was incredibly mad because she counted Paltrow as a friend, which we find dubious at best. We're pretty sure Paltrow is too busy going country and being pretentious on her Goop website to be friends with Lohan.
When reached for comments about the situation, all Paltrow can say was:
We don't know who does more singing on the song: Paltrow or the AutoTune machine her vocals were run through. Seriously, listen to the a capella of this:
What makes this situation all the more hilarious was that the interview was BARELY posted to the Internet before sources close to Lohan went running to X17online to say that Lohan was not in fact mad at Paltrow at all for the joke, stating:
"Lindsay had no idea what Gwyneth Paltrow said on Glee. It was actually Dina Lohan who saw it and SHE brought it to Lindsay's attention. Lindsay couldn't care less. She is a professional and realizes that it is part of the job. Lindsay was out of the house when the episode aired. By Dina doing this, she will only hurt Lindsay and her relationship with other people in the industry. You might recall that when the episode aired, Dina even threatened to sue the network. Why doesn't she leave Lindsay alone? She is going to take her down before she even gets out of rehab."
You know your career is in complete free fall when one of the people you actively have to do damage control on is your own mother.
And if things with Lohan wasn't crazy enough, Lohan is allegedly in communication with Sam Lufti. Those in the gossip know may remember the name because Lufti rose to infamy of sorts of being around Britney Spears a bunch during her head-shaving days. Michael Lohan, always the beacon of sound and reasonable judgment, shot down reports that Lufti was harassing his daughter in jail and believes a lot of the bad stuff written about Lufti was put out there by the Britney Spears camp, saying in an interview with X17Online, JESUS THEY MUST HAVE THEM AND RADARONLINE ON SPEED DIAL, that:
"No, not at all. Communicating, yes. But stalking no way. Has [sic] hasn't even been to Palm Springs. The stalking was done by someone around the sober house Lindsay lives in. Sam, like others, including me, has been the victim of a smear campaign so people could control Britney, just as it was done to me with Lindsay. Do the math. Are people that stupid and blind?"
Really? You're a victim Michael Lohan. Sure, let us go with that and play you a sad, sad tune that you can weep to.
And with anybody else, this would be the peak of crazy but not so with our lovely little ginger friend. Lohan is now embroiled in a big ole ~scandal~ at Betty Ford Clinic. According to various reports, Lindsay Lohan and some Betty Ford friends went partying recently and got in trouble for their behavior. Lindsay reportedly tested clean for alcohol and drugs, but we're sure that getting all crazy with yo girls is not conducive to the whole healing process.
Anyway, a BFC employee is accusing the starlet of getting physical with her when she came back from partying with friends at a bar. According to that great national resource TMZ, Lindsay and the staff member got into some sort of scuffle with Lindsay Lohan claiming that the staff member put her hands on Lohan first. The staff member, for her part, wants Lohan to be prosecuted.
Ugh, Lindsay. Have you really been reduced to getting into fights with staff members? It's like you're living out your own version of softcore-tastic camp classic "Chained Heat." The not-safe-for-work trailer is below:
LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, Lindsay. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. You're in rehab, losing out on roles to play a pornstar because either a) you came to your senses and decided playing a victimized coke whore is a bit of typecasting, especially with a director who notoriously referred to the required nude scenes in the film as "'Schindler's List' nudity and not salacious nudity" or b) because you were allegedly too expensive to get insure so they decided to go with poor man's Kate Hudson Malin Ackerman. We say this with all the love in our heart buy you're a
If you don't let these things continue in your life. I mean, right now, you have the choice to either be Robert Downey, Jr. or Corey Feldman. Right now, signs are pointing away from you somehow getting your crap together and becoming an international superstar like Downey did. You seem to be very much cut from the Feldman cloth. Both of you were child stars that were launched in big films early into your careers with you in "Parent Trap" and Feldman in "Stand By Me." Both of you managed to become teen idols in films with Lohan starring in things like "Mean Girls" and Feldman in "The Lost Boys." You both have weird celeb fascinations with Lohan being obsessed with all things Marilyn Monroe, doing several photoshoots that have aped her look and naming her leggings line (SIDE EYE TO THE EXTEME) 6126 after Monroe's birthdate.
Hey Lohan, SPOILER ALERT if you haven't gotten to the end of that bio: SHE DIES TRAGICALLY YOUNG. Not a good role model.
Feldman, for his part, was obsessed with Michael Jackson:
Please, don't be Corey Feldman. We beg of you. It's one of our only Christmas wishes this year. That and that Darren Criss ends up underneath our Christmas tree.
And that's all we have today. As always we wish you peace, love and downloads! BRING ON THE DANCERS.