The Majak Mixtape - Mixtaping the Tea

Hola mis amigos! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, talking crap behind your back better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when the restaurant forgets its dinner reservations it made five weeks ago.

Oh celeb gossip, how we love you. You're like news without the annoying roadblock known as factchecking. As our loyal reader(s?) know, we can't go a day without getting the latest details about what is going on in Hollywood, New York City and everywhere in-between. Just check our web browser sometime. You'll find a whole delicious bevy of gossip sites like "What Would Tyler Durden Do," "Pink is the New Blog," "Oh No They Didn't," "Gawker," and the godfather of them all "Page Six." There is nothing quite like getting up in the morning, shuffling around in your slippers and pajamas and sitting down to your laptop to have a piping hot cup of celebrity schadenfreude along with nibbling on some delish glazed donuts of GURL STOP and I CAN'T.

With so much good scoop in the world and so much good music as well, we decided to combine them together in one ultra mega post of vicious rumors and flawless rhythms in today's Mixtape. Let's get started now because we got a lot of tea to spill and we are so freakin excited about it.

First up, we have a quick little update about the hot mess we posted about yesterday. Yes, kiddies, it's time for another stunning, flawless, amazing, starring in inexplicably popular CBS sitcoms better than your favorite edition of:

As we discussed yesterday, Charlie Sheen went on a cray cray bender in the place tailor-made for cray cray benders aka Las Vegas. With three porn stars and a whole lot of syndication money, Sheen was getting his party on. Then the weekend came to a close and Sheen was, at time of posting yesterday, absent from that great fountain of comedy known as "Two and a Half Men," which caused a whole lot of people to worry about him.

Seriously, go Google Charlie Sheen right now. If you're like us, your fifth-ish search suggestion should be "Charlie Sheen Dead."

Anyway, Charlie Sheen not only showed up but amazingly did so like nothing had ever happened according to TMZ sources:
"He has the constitution of an ox," adding, "He's figured out a way of shutting down [the substance abuse] long enough so he can function normally when he has to. He's a complete functioning addict."

Constitution of an ox? More like the wherewithal of Keith Richards. Anyway, in honor of his little bender, we have Chromeo and Elly Jackson of La Roux with their song "Hot Mess" as remixed by Duck Sauce.

Next up, we take on hobo zero to YouTube hero Ted Williams. Ted Williams has gotten all sorts of deals to use his broadcast-friendly voice, including a gig doing voiceover for Kraft's Mac and Cheese.

And while voiceover actors busily check into therapy at the idea of a homeless person going from nobody to in-demand in the industry faster than you can say, "HIDE YOUR WIVES, HIDE YOUR KIDS," Ted Williams took a trip down to the LAPD recently due to an argument with one of his nine children according to reports. Williams and his daughter were only detained for about an hour and then released.

As if this wasn't going to happen when Williams, who walked out on his wife and family in the midst of downward spiral of drug abuse and ended up homeless, started making that paper. We think Williams should be spending less time doing announcements for MSNBC shows and more time getting professional help for his demons unless the entertainment industry has suddenly become a good, centering place for people with addictive tendencies all of a sudden. We're not saying Williams will relapse because he's getting paid.

We're just saying that he didn't end up homeless on the street because of all of the positive and enriching life choices he's made. Hopefully, he and his family can mend fences eventually, and Williams can say he's coming home.

Next up, Jermaine Jackson is stuck in Africa y'all. That's right, our favorite fame-whoring member of the Jackson Five went off to South Africa and wouldn't you know it? He was too busy keeping that hair perfectly greased like a Soul Train dancer and didn't notice his passport expiring. Turns out, Mr. Jackson also owes some $91,000 in back child support so he's going to have to pay up before he can get his passport. Did we forget to mention that these kids are with his ex-wife who used to date his brother Randy? This is tackiness not quite seen since Jermaine teamed up with Pia Zadora:

Bonus video, the tacky-athon known as the Jacksons' "Torture":

In other dysfunctional celebrity news, does anybody remember the Tony Parker/Eva Longoria Parker story? So just to refresh. Tony Parker allegedly had sexting affair with the wife of a former teammate of his. I KNOW, RIGHT.

Way to get in touch with your inner Edie Britt, Mr. Parker. Anyway, Tony and Eva have been having a lot of back and for as the photogs periodically catch them hanging out together. Well we always wanted to know what happened to the other relationship that got caught up in that DISASTUH. Turns out that couple, Brent Barry and Erin Barry, have divorced to the surprise of no one according to reports. For Ms. Erin, we'd say that she might be doing some self-reflection while listening to:

While Brent Barry is probably thinking he was a

Next up, we just want to take a moment to have a little talk with all the gossip writers. Come closer. A little closer. There we go. STOP TRYING TO MAKE RYAN REYNOLDS AND SANDRA BULLOCK HAPPEN. Seemingly every gossip writer at most weekly tabloids watched "The Proposal" one too many times and now have taken pen to paper to try to make that pairing in real life based on a photo of Sandra and Ryan SITTING AT THE SAME TABLE TOGETHER on New Year's Eve.

This what happens when you give fangirls the power of the press, y'all. You got them all writing about how Ryan is telling Sandra, "I wanna be your lover" Prince-style (by way of Corinne Bailey Rae below).

And if that wasn't hilarious enough, the tabloids of pretty much implied that ScarJo has turned into a big ole mess since splitting with Reynolds as everybody was reporting about what a "party girl" ScarJo was at "The Hurt Locker" star Jeremy Renner's birthday celebration. She's single so we say let it her do her pretty girl rock if she wants to. Be that ANIMALE.

If Sandra and Ryan are actually a couple, all we can say is:

And lastly, "Gossip Girl" star Blake Lively must have the best PR machine in the business. No seriously, when not buying hoards of double sided tape to keep the chestly blessed star in her outfits, her team must spent the rest of the time planting items about her and her various alleged celebrity run-ins. Just in the past month or so, there has been the Ryan Gosling rumors as well as Leonard DiCaprio. Lively's love life being so prominent at the moment has caused such a stir that EOnline just today did a whole story about it, with her representation, when asked about all the Leo headlines, giving the delightfully non-committal answer of: "It's not all true."

While some people seemed to be annoyed with Lively, those of us who have spent years watching her on "Gossip Girl" mumble-act her way through scenes still are trying to exactly figure out her appeal other her beauty because we've already got a Megan Fox y'all, seemingly using the tabloid fodder to up her status, we aren't. I mean, a Hollywood star using rumors to get further? SHOCKING.

We're telling Lively, you might as well work those headlines as long as you can since you've been dubbed an It-Girl, which immediately starts the countdown from relevant star to Heather "My ABC sitcom got canned after just one airing and No1Curr about me being in 'The Hangover' as a hooker" Graham. We don't want you going around saying:

And with that, we end a tea-licious edition of the Majak Mixtape. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE ADELE DANCE REMIX.

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