The Majak Mixtape - Sheen-nanigans: The Mixtape

Happy Friday everybody! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, keeping TMZ in business better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes to dry out after spending time partying with Charlie Sheen. Sometimes in blogging there is so much hot mess in one person's existence that it simply cannot be contained in just our daily "Spill the Tea" segment. Sometimes the tea just has to overflow and become a Mixtape unto itself. And that's what is happening today as we devote the entirety of the Mixtape to the latest details of Charlie Sheen's umpteenth scandal just this month as the "Two and a Half Men" actor was rushed to the hospital yesterday amidst a flurry of innuendo and rumor. But before we dissect exactly how Charlie Sheen is the human embodiment of a Ke-Symbol of Wealth-he song, we have to do what we do best. That's right everybody, it's time for us to:

First up, Lady GaGalupe has blessed all her beloved little monster followers by Tweeting the lyrics to her upcoming single "Born This Way" yesterday.

Here is a brief sampling of some of the lyrics that are sure to be posted all over your friends' Facebook as deep, meaningful statuses:

Besides the fact that these lyrics were CLEARLY purloined from a William Shakespeare sonnet, we have to say that we appreciate that GaGa is shining a light on the woefully under-represented chola group while simultaneously using the term "Orient" like she's Cotton Hill. The song will finally make its debut on Feb. 13 as GaGa will be taking to the Grammy stage to perform it.

Elsewhere, Kate Hudson took to the "Graham Norton Show" to dismiss rumors that she is both with child and new fiance, telling the chat show host, "I don't like putting that sort of pressure on it, and I don't feel it necessary to get married," Hudson said. "I am 31, I already have one child, and have had one divorce, so it is not necessarily the golden ticket -- I just want to be happy." We say kudos to Hudson and hope she and Muse lead singer pop out as many out-of-wedlock babies their hearts desire as all the pregnancies will keep Hudson from making any of her craptastic romantic comedies.

And in a bit of completely putting the cart before the horse news, Lifetime: The Network For Women Who Want All of Their Fears of Men Validated has decided to take a break from airing the filmography of Meredith Baxter, Judith Light, Tori Spelling to put out a TV film about the romance of Prince William and his fiancee Kate Middleton. It should be noted that the film will be airing a week prior to the duo tying the knot and from a TV nightmare stance, it would be all kinds of hilarious for them to suddenly split after 8 years, just to see how Lifetime would cope with that. Also, we're really holding out that Patty Duke is tapped to play the Queen Mother.

Up next, it's an ultra mega edition of Sheen-nanigans!

At this point, we're pretty that Charlie Sheen's whole life is, to the rest of the viewing public, one big I CAN'T gif in motion. The star of such films as "Wall Street" and "Major League" has been on quite the bender since, well . . . Can you really call it a bender if it's a perpetual state of being? Well whatever the proper term of it is, Charlie Sheen, who has never been a particular stranger to the world of the tabloids, has found himself the bread and butter for the whole industry of late as he finds new and intricate ways to be completely self-destructive and doing so without really any sort of real world consequence the befalls other stars found in usually infinitely less compromising situations. This leads us to our first song, Rihanna's Avril Lavigne-sampling "Cheers (Drink to That)."

Yesterday proved to be yet another sordid chapter in the Charlie Sheen Book of Hot Mess as Charlie, according to various media reports, was taken to the hospital due to a hernia in his stomach. A fairly innocuous sort of story you say? Ah, context is everything my lovelies. Charlie Sheen happened to get this hernia while in the midst of another hedonistic party session with some porn stars. You know, we're just going to always assume that Charlie Sheen is in the company of porn stars until stories tell us otherwise. He seems to have the greatest fascination with those "Girls on Film."

Anyway, Charlie Sheen was having a grand ole time with his porn stars as you do on a regular ole Wednesday night when a 911 was placed, saying that Sheen was not in the best way in the least. An ambulance was rushed to his house to help the star out as news hit the Internet as well as one of the classy ladies having previously Tweeted a photo from inside of the Sheen home while the party had still been going strong. A debauched filled night of booze, hours of porn and Twitpics? It's the new "Lovers Lane."

According to a flurry of reports, Charlie Sheen's father Martin Sheen and his ex-wife Denise Richards showed up to the hospital. We give this detail basically as an excuse to talk about "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," which Denise Richards should totally be on next season.

Did you people watch Part One of the season finale last night? DELICIOUS.

Loved every second of Camille Grammer's inability to show human emotion every time they cut to her face during their Kelsey Grammer montage while Adrienne fought the good fight against all her facelifts and was crying like SHE was the one Kelsey had abandoned. Meanwhile, the editors of Bravo either looped one shot of Kyle Richards several times or she spent the entire taping of the show throwing her head back, doing a dismissive sigh.
We're sort of leaning towards the second option. Meanwhile, Taylor continues to look like if you slapped a blond wig on one of those stone sculptures on Easter Island and shoved it into a mini dress of shiny nature. And given how shellacked all the ladies' lips looked, we want to know how much Bravo's hair and makeup department spent on lip gloss alone.

In honor of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," we give you Sheila E. and her classic tune "Glamorous Life."

Charlie Sheen was released from the hospital and according to TMZ, he will be going straight back to work on Tuesday on the set of "Two and a Half Men" instead of, you know, seeking professional help for the plethora of issues that he has. Granted, you have to admit, it is sort of amazing that whenever it's reported that Sheen is having a hospital visit, it is never for what you think. This time it was for hernia and before he survived a weekend-long bender in Las Vegas only to be briefly defeated by an ear infection. It's like the most banal things in life are Charlie Sheen's kryptonite at this point otherwise he is:

And while Charlie Sheen is recuperating at home, his porn star pals are going to the media to give details of everything that's happening. Normally, we'd find this really tacky BUT whatever takes those "Teen Mom" stars off the covers of US Weekly for a week or two is fine with us. And you know, we're in a recession still so you gotta make that dollar anyway you can.

At the end of the day, we hope that Charlie Sheen will get a sassy gay friend that ISN'T a gay-for-pay porn actress to sit and ask him to LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES for a split second. He desperately needs to look at all of his various addictions:

Though we're pretty sure any attempts at an intervention with Sheen would end with him saying:

And with that, we end the Mixtape for this week! Have a stunning, flawless, amazing weekend everybody! As always we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE FLASHDANCERS!

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