Super Bowl XLV was an amazing hot mess of a sporting event as always with questionable renditions of classic Americana tunes, an actually close and interesting game between the Packers and the Steelers, a horrorshow of a halftime show featuring the Black Eyed Peas, a smattering of some cute/clever/cringe-inducing Super Bowl commercials and a very special episode of "Glee" that had little to nothing to do with the overall story arcs of the season AS PER USUAL. So clearly, we have a lot to get to but first, we gotta do what we do best, besides gorging on pigs in a blanket. Time to:First up, former "Even Stevens"/current "Transformers" star Shia LaBeouf is quite the scrappy individual according to a report from TMZ. The star was recently handcuffed after getting into a bit of a bar brawl after someone used a homophobic slur against him. According to TMZ, who interviewed sources from another bar, Shia got into another fight that he allegedly was the institigator of. Beans would not approve of this behavior, that's for sure.
In keeping with the troubled former Disney stars angle, time for another update about our favorite ginger queen of piss poor life choices.
According to sources who talked to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan, who still is on probation, could be charged with felony larceny for stealing that ugly necklace as early as today. And according to RadarOnline, when the story initially hit its website, Lindsay tried to deny ever having been in the jewelry store to begin with. Unfortunately for the "Herbie: Fully Loaded" starlet, the store had surveillance cameras which clearly showed she was there. All of this combines together in something we think deserves a brand new graphic for the situation. So this Monday we are debuting, in honor of Lohan's insanely spotty filmography, the new graphic:
And that, my friends, was the tea. Now let us get onto the important business of the day as we recap all things Super Bowl!
Oh Super Bowl, where do we even begin to discuss you? Let us rewind to the beginning of the evening when red lipstick aficionado Christina Aguilera took to the microphone to sing the "National Anthem" for all the people in the stadium, the folks at home and the soldiers stationed overseas and promptly messed up the lyrics while growl singing most of the tune in that particular over-dramatic way that has been her stock in trade since she messing around with that genie in the bottle.
You know what's sad? When you vocally have become a less talented version of Maya Rudolph's rendition of the "National Anthem" on SNL.
In the great pantheon of "National Anthems," there are the two gold standards:
And Marvin Gaye turning the "Star Spangled Banner" into a slow jam.
But while Christina Aguilera flubbed her line in the "National Anthem," at least she didn't flub the entire halftime show like the Black Eye Peas. Oh, BEP or as we like to call them "Will.I.Am and Fergie Plus Those Two Other Dudes," were a hot mess of a halftime show as they tried to meld their music with a "Tron"-esque visual style while sounding an out-of-tune mess for most of it. Whoever thought it was a wise idea to have Fergie, who sounds like a poor man's Christina Aguilera at her best moments, tackle "Sweet Child O' Mine" with Slash, who apparently wouldn't let his songs be on "Glee" because it's cheesy but has no problem playing back-up to Fergalicious, and actually try to emulate the quirky vocals of Axl. If anything fell under the definition of "second hand embarrassment" more easily than this, we didn't really see it last night:
Right now, we're taking a commercial break. First up, the WTF-fest that was the Living Social commercial:
We don't know what the bigger WTF was: the vaguely transphobic nature of the ad OR the fact that the guy ended up looking like a thicker version of "Roseanne" star Laurie Metcalf.
Easily our favorite ad of the night was the one featuring the kid version of Darth Vader and the wonderful parents who indulged his megalomaniac aspirations for a split second.
Our second favorite commercial involved man and animal helping each other out in beautiful fashion:
And just the plain, WHEN WILL SHE GO AWAY commercial of the night belongs to Kim Kardashian and that monotone baby voice she and her brood of equally dim-witted sisters of inexplicable fame like to all affect:
Also, we're not quite sure how you go from Betty White and Aretha Franklin to Richard Lewis and Roseanne and see it as anything BUT a total downgrade in star wattage:
Super Bowl Sunday wasn't all about touchdown, passes, and trying to avoid mentioning every five minutes Ben Roethlisberger's legal issues, it was also the night that "Glee" debuted a new episode of the show. And not unlike other shows that have had to follow the Super Bowl, "Glee" decided to use the strategy of skimpily dressed women as a way to keep a large part of male and lesbian demographic that may have left their flatscreen tuned to the station after all the post-game wrap-up reports.
But in terms of shameless attempts to keep the Super Bowl audience from immediately turning to ESPN, nothing quite matches "Grey's Anatomy."
We'll give credit to the people at "Grey's Anatomy" for being able to lampoon themselves. Here the men take on the scene:
"Glee," as to be expected at this point, was a blur of random plot points strung together with musical commercials for iTunes sales. And you know, when looked at through that narrow scope, the show succeeded at least being entertaining as Sue put the lives of her Cheerios at risk for the sake of excitement while Coach Beiste and Will actually do some responsible teaching for once as they tried to bring a detante between the jocks and the Gleeks. And what brings people together better than a MASH-UP.
Meanwhile, in a scene and song meant simply to remind people of their existence, the Warblers and Kurt get their Destiny's Child on:
And with that unnecessary number, we end today's Mixtape. Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers for winning the Super Bowl. We wish you all love, peace and downloads! BRING ON THE GREEN AND YELLOW ONE LAST TIME!