The Majak Mixtape - This Mixtape Is Not Here to Make Friends

Happy Hump Day everybody! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving Andy Cohen a side-eye better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture comes to claim its all the fault of the editting that it came off like such an ass.

Today we're saluting one of our favorite genres of television: reality tv. Before the bane of the television existence, reality show has become the way that networks like NBC, who haven't a true hit in such a long time the network is going through some serious withdrawls, are able to turn profits as reality shows are almost as cheap to produce as the people who appear on them. Seriously, we haven't met a reality show we haven't given at least one episode try, from the baby voice fest of all the Kardashian shows to polygamy-a-go-go of "Sister Wives" to reality competition shows like "Cupcake Wars," "Sheer Genius," and even "Ninja Warrior." At this point, the old Warhol axiom of everybody will be famous for fifteen minutes has been updated to, "Everybody will have a reality show at some point." Before we get to the scripted reality, let's dish out some unscripted truth as we do what we always do which is:
Oscar winner Halle Berry has decided to take a break from, well, whatever she's doing between makeup commercials to throw oodles of shade at her former boyfriend/current baby daddy/eternally handsome Gabriel Aubry in a story we're dubbing:
In a statement released to "People Magazine," Halle came out swinging, her rep stating, "Halle has serious concerns for her daughter's well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her."

In response, Gabriel took time out of being a GQMF to tell Access Hollywood: "“Gabriel fully believes that a consistent and balanced living situation and two loving parents are crucial for their child even if Ms. Berry feels otherwise. He will always defend his rights as a father and will always consider Nahla’s best interest. Halle’s continuing allegations in the press are untrue and irresponsible.”

The one bright side of this whole thing is that in order to fight for custody, Halle Berry has decided to pull out of the sure-to-be-awful sequel to "Valentine's Day" called "New Year's Eve." Somewhere Labor Day is PISSED at its lack of a film.

In other news, while Rihanna put out a new music video of questionable quality, Chris Brown's career comeback continues as the "Forever" singer has been booked to be a musical guest on their Feb. 12 episode being hosted by Russell Brand because nothing says, "Happy Valentine's Day Weekend!" like the combination of a former sex addict host and a music guest convicted of beating up his girlfriend hosting a program.

And lastly, our seemingly daily update of our favorite "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" star who wasn't on "Dancing With the Stars" or married to Sarah Jessica Parker:
According to RadarOnline, family members are thinking about pulling a Spears family on the troubled actor and gaining conservatorship over him. His father Martin is reportedly worried about his son and pretty much, like the rest of the world, calls a big effin BS on the notion of Sheen rehabbing at home. Lord, Sheen, GET IT TOGETHER. When stories are hitting the tabloids about LINDSAY LOHAN is worried about you and your life choices, you've reached a bottom of the barrell where only cesspools and Channing Tatum-fronted movies exist.

And from the TEA to the TV, we're taking on our favorite reality shows with hot mess mix of tunes.
Oh reality television, how we simply adore you for making all of our life decisions so much more sane in comparison and make us feel doubly blessed that they aren't underscored by the music of Paramore or OneRepublic. The television landscape is a place filled with reality TV shows as every Z-list celeb, every rich person in desperate need of a date, every designer who took one sewing class at JoAnn's Fabric and every chef who watched a Cordon Bleu commercial all make their way through auditions, competitions, battles, rose ceremonies, stilted lunch dates, random social occasions and other tropes of the reality show genre in order to become one degree more famous. And we are there, every freakin' second, watching with delight.

First up, we take on the competition subgenre of reality TV where contestants come to win and to not make friends. EVER.

We turn our attention to the extravaganza eleganza that is the third season of "RuPaul's Drag Race."
The hit competition is pretty much our favorite competitive reality show of all times as RuPaul brilliantly sends-up all the conventions of shows like sometimes intentionally funny/always hysterically delusional Tyra Banks and her program "America's Next Top Guest Star on a BET Sitcom." Ru is joined on her panel by reality show survivor Santino Rice of "Project Runway" fame and this season has the brilliance of returning Michelle Visage, Ru's co-host on her brilliant VH-1 talk show, to the mix of Ru-ness. In honor of Michelle Visage, our first song of this mixtape harkens back to when Michelle was busily going for MADONNA REALNESS while in the group Seduction. Below, their still fly-as-fuck cover of Taana Gardner's "Heartbeat."

Just two episodes in and the show has already delivered breakdowns over being unable to sew (GURL STOP, THE FIRST CHALLENGE IS ALWAYS SEWING), the return of season two Shangela and her penchant for yelling "HALLELU" about everything when not throwing drinks, drag queens who have had plastic surgery to look more like Madonna because that worked out SO WELL for her, Vanessa Williams and Lily Tomlin being guest judges and RuPaul's budget for false eyelashes costing more than producing a whole season of "The A-List: New York." Who will win? Who will lose? Who will end up recording an AutoTuned-to-death dance club single to capitalize on their tiny sliver of fame? Who knows, but you can bet we'll be watching every moment of it because it's like the film "Paris Is Burning" turned into a series.

That leads us to our next song, the why-the-hell-not-since-it-shares-a-name-with-something-we're-discussing choice of Ladyhawke and her tune "Paris is Burning." Below is the simply divine remix done by Cut Copy:

Our other favorite competition reality show we love is "Worst Cooks in America" featuring Anne "The Female Guy Fieri" Burrell and Robert "Not Even Lying About My Credentials Can Keep This Chef Down" Irvine. The show basically takes people with culinary skills that are awful, but realistically no worse than Food Network personality Sandra Lee, and helps mold them into decent cooks.

Frankly, we're addicted to all things Food Network. Between this and watching Bobby Flay's ginger ego routinely deflated on "Throwdown With Bobby Flay" as well as all of those "Food Network Challenges," we could dine on those shows for life and always be full. And after a good meal, you might as well have an after dinner treat. Below, our favorite dessert in college, "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk."

Usually followed by a piece of "Chewing Gum."

Another big category in reality TV shows is the dating show category, where people try to justify making out with scores of strangers on national TV by saying it was in the pursuit of true love. "The Bachelor"/"The Bachelorette" on the ABC are the bland King and Queen of the genre while things like "Flavor of Love," "Rock of Love," "Mouth Sores of Love" providing true trainwreck television at its finest as people threw themselves at people like Ray J. Without those tacky-a-thons, we wouldn't have been blessed with music videos like "Flavor of Love" contestant Deelishis and her song "Rump Shaker."

Or Hottie's song "My Man, Mansion and Money."

We are not terribly fond of this strain of the reality show because just watching these people fling themselves at each other is enough to make us live in front of a free clinic for eternity. Remember kids, you don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time:

Unless you were one of the Gym Class Heroes:

Oh Gym Class Heroes, back when it was Travis McCoy and Patrick Stump was fat as one. ~Saves to LiveJournal Memories~

But our favorite reality show genre would have to be what is simply called "candid reality." That includes shows like "The Hills," "Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian's Butt," "Basketball Ex-Wives, Baby Mamas, and One Night Stands," and other such fine quality of programs. Of course, our favorite thing to come out of this has to be the "Real Housewives" series, which can be considered a travelogue highlighting fame whores of different American cities.

"The Real Housewives of Atlanta" just had their season finale on Sunday, and it was filled with all of the moments we've come to expect from the show: NeNe and Kim being on the outs with each other, Sheree having career aspirations for something she's totally unqualified for, a large social gathering for everybody to be at even though most of them can't stand each other.

This season we had a twist with Cynthia and her wedding that nobody in the world who watched the show cared about. Like seriously, 13 or so episodes of Cynthia hemming and hawing about whether she was going to marry her man Peter, who at best looked like the dude from the box of Famous Amos cookies. To surprise of no one, Cynthia's desperation trumped all good reasoning, and she got married to Peter in the season finale. We were still holding out hope that Cynthia would get in touch with her inner Julia Roberts and make a break for it.

In other "Real Housewives" news, Barbra Walters is none too fond of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Camille Grammer, who has managed to make a whole cottage industry out of going on talk shows to talk about how she's coming out of Kelsey Grammer's shadow by talking about Kelsey Grammer and their impending divorce.

Showing all the tactfulness of a person who once seriously asked Katherine Hepburn, "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be," Walters came for Camille's blond locks by saying, "You implied on part one of the reunion show that you and Kelsey Grammer hadn’t had sex in a couple years," Barbara said. "Why were you surprised that he wanted someone else?" Camille, returning tactful question with a tactful answer, said, "'You'd have to ask him that. We tried."

This is the thing we "love" about "The View" in general: there are barely any rich White men that these ladies won't bend over backwards to defend. I mean, Whoopi Goldberg once referred to the Roman Polanski situation as not being "rape rape" as well as sticking up for Mel Gibson of all people. I mean, we don't even like Camille and find her to be total eye roll worthy human being even in her best moments which are few and far between, but Kelsey Grammer has been the height of tacky with his behavior. But of course, Barbra Walters has got to stand up for the mistress since she herself was a mistress of Republican Senator Edward Brooke back in the 1970s. In honor of Babs, our next song is Monica's song "Sideline Ho."

In other news, Kim Richards, one of Camille's co-stars of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," may not be returning to the show according to her sister/bully Kyle Richards during a taping of the "Ellen" show. Turns out having her alcohol problems put out on national television didn't make Kim too fussed about returning to the show. SHOCKING, I KNOW! In honor of the total dysfunction that is the Richards sisters and their relationship, we end the Mixtape with the Chapin Sisters and their brills cover of Britney's "Toxic."

And with that, we say thank you for reading another edition of the Majak Mixtape. And as always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE DRAG DANCERS!

No comments: