Gleecap - The Gwyneth Paltrow Variety Hour Featuring the Cast of Glee

Happy Hump Day Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you GUEST STAR REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Gleecap, where pop culture goes when it just can't get enough of Gwyneth Paltrow being shoe-horned into programs so she can try to launch a music career. We're back after having a week off from the program as they were in reruns last week. What will happen this week? Who will fight? Who will sing? Who will have already forgotten all their characterization from the last new episode? WHO KNOWS? But we're here to find out all about it. But before we get to the Glee, honey, let us get to the tea:

First up, in "Glee" news, Darren Criss and the Warblers are going to be putting out an album in April according to a report on Billboard. The album would include all the songs that the Warblers have been doing on "Glee" including "Teenage Dream," "Bills, Bills, Bills," "When I Get You Alone," and other tunes that have managed to end up on the show, PLOTTING BE DAMNED. We love Darren Criss. We really do. We want to marry him and adopt a bunch of children that will wear pink sunglasses and sing about Harry Potter. But if the people behind "Glee" don't get his character to transfer to McKinley soon, we're going to get really tired of the boy version of the "Facts of Life" that is the Warblers scenes on "Glee."

Well that was fast. Michaele Salahi, alleged White House crasher, has already been booted from this season's of VH-1 "Celeb Rehab." According to TMZ, she was let go from the show due to the fact she doesn't have an actual addiction. Well other than famewhoring? Maybe? But if they were going to start treating that they'd have to devote a whole house just for Dr. Silver Fox Drew.

In other nobody news from TMZ, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are gearing up to duke it out over custody of their child according to papers filed. Wentz wants to have shared custody with Ashlee. You know, so they can both tend to their absolutely BOOMING CAREERS that have them both in such demand.

First up, somebody has been been giving the "Real Housewives" Mickeys according to some reports.

On the last episode of "Glee," the Glee club learned the danger of alcohol as Rachel held a raging party for the Gleeks in her basement, culminating with her making out with Blaine. This bit of tongue hockey didn't please Kurt but not enough to not bring him home and let him sleep in his bed, a bone of contention between Kurt and Daddy Hummel. While Blaine was busily contemplating whether or not his gate swung in both directions, the Rachel turned into a big ole lush and Mr. Schue was busily drunk dialing people. Ten thousand drinking songs later, Rachel discovered she had lived a little and could write a song for the Glee club while Blaine decided that he was firmly gay because "Glee" has never met an actually interesting storyline it didn't enjoy dropping and Mr. Schue vowed to never drink again but did not make the vow to not sing shitty songs about gettin' it on on rooftops.

(Which sidenote: it's a joy to know that Matthew Morrison is just as able to produce second hand embarrassment as his on-screen ego Mr. Schuester as he recently gave an interview with Contact Music about how his "Summer Rain" tune was about doing his ex-girlfriend on the roof of some building. He told CM that the song represents, "wanted to capture a moment in time that I had with an ex-girlfriend... It was such a beautiful moment and it was about being young and in New York. It's something that when I'm 65, I'll look back and be like, 'That was an awesome moment.'" Let the river of I CAN'T overflow all over this story.)

We begin our journey into sexy with a meeting of the celibacy club. Of course. As headed by Emma, in her Bree Van De Camp best attire no less, the celibacy club has had a boom in its membership as both Rachel and Quinn have decided to join the group. Is this because Quinn decided that being knocked up once was enough? Did Rachel join because she figures that throwing herself last week at a big ole homosexual, while satisfying the necessary steps to become a Broadway diva, might be some sort of cry for help? Nope. The ladies are there to deal with their simmering feelings for Finn. Of course. In the midst of the girls throwing shade at each other like this is the Interior Illusions Lounge on "RuPaul's Drag Race," Emma pretty much implies that she hasn't let Dentist Carl/Uncle Jesse/her husband put his stamp on her V-Card. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

We cut over to the teachers' lounge because that's where Will lives when he isn't teaching life lessons to the Glee kids. Anyway, he's commiserating with Miss Priss about her jewelry line for celibacy being used on the students' nipples. How they know this detail is never explained. No matter, Will and Emma have a little discussion about sex and the students and Emma's on hang-ups about it as Will, and in extension the show, uses abstinence and celibacy interchangeably because no one has a dictionary on in the writers' room of "Glee." Not surprising since they also don't own "Glee" DVDs judging at the way characters are always changing at will.

No matter, Gwyneth Paltrow comes sidling up into the teachers' lounge to announce how she's the sex education teacher and promptly gets into a discussion with Emma about her viewpoints about celibacy. And just like that, the writers have managed to put Will right smack in the middle of a Madonna/Whore dichotomy as the two ladies argue and the writers leave no extreme view under-represented.

Anyway, we cut over to Brittany and Santana as Santana offers to hang out with Brittany that night and get their makeout on. And the sound you just heard were the five heterosexual men that watch "Glee" pausing the show to mull over that image. SNAP OUT OF IT. Brittany declares that she wished that she could hang out with Santana, but she's got a bun in her oven. The show wastes a perfectly good opportunity for one Brittany S. Pierce to make a joke about getting in touch with her inner Jamie Lynn and getting knocked up, but we will give them a pass on the matter as Brittany's news is hilariously spread among all the members of the Glee club faster than mono in a residence hall.

After having a quick session at one of Holly Holiday's jazzercise classes (because she's FUN and WACKY and CRAZY, we get it show), Mr. Schuester invites her to come to talk to the Glee Club about sex. Sure. Why not. We're still trying to figure out if the Glee Club is like an extracurricular thing or an actual, we're-getting-a-grade-for-this type of class so we're really not going to quibble about this.

When Holly shows up to the class, the students are still a-buzz about the whole preggers thing with Brittany because no one until that point questioned the validity of Brittany's statement. REALLY? The girl who talked about her cat reading her diary is going to have the appropriate amount of smarts to pee on a stick? Of course not. And because this is Brittany, it turns out that she just saw a stork in front of her window three days prior and that she knows that she's going to have a baby because that's where they come from. In a rare stab at continuity, this falls in line with Brittany still believing in Santa Claus. Nothing sexier than a completely infantilized cheederleader we suppose.

Anyway, Holly Holiday comes strutting into the room, promptly listing off all the dumb things these kids believe about sex including Finn's whole I-could-get-Quinn-pregnant-being-fully-clothed-in-a-hot-tub, a reminder that makes a plot turn later all the more I CAN'T. Holly decides to lead off the discussion with a Will Shuester level inappropriate performance of "Do You Want to Touch Me." When Mr. Schue is asking if you're going too far, you don' goofed son.

We come back from commercial with Kurt and Blaine grabbing some coffee and find themselves running into one Sue Sylvester. Her mission in life remains trying to destroy Mr. Schue which I guess is an interesting take on the "Purpose Driven Life." After waltzing into the Glee Club room and seeing the word SEXY written on the wipe board, Sue immediately comes to the conclusion that New Direction is going to sexy up their performance in order to win Regionals. Really? Her belief that a high school glee club competition would need sexy is an idea so fundamentally flawed in every which way that it's actually totally within character that Sue would believe this. Kurt momentarily questions this until Blaine and his slicked back hair of righteousness decide it's time for them to get all sexy pants so he invites some girls from a private school as the guys get their Neon Trees on. Yes. They wanted to get sexy and decided that Neon Trees would be the ticket. If that didn't scream VIRGIN, Kurt's attempts at sexy faces sure did. A fact that Blaine has no problem calling out and saying that Kurt looks like he's passing gas and whatnot. And they do this all while using leftover scenery from Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" video apparently.

Bonus: Cold Hearted Snake for comparison

Back from the commercial, Puck and Lauren decide to make a sex tape so Lauren can get famous. You know, sure, why not. It's one of the less insane plans to come out of a character's mouth on this show. Anyway, Holly Holiday appears to let them know that them doing a sex tape would be child pornography (which is particularly hilarious since the actor playing Puck is forever giving ANDREA ZUCKERMAN REALNESS) and then turns around so she can run into Brittany and Santana who want to discuss their relationship. As always, when asked for anything resembling guidance, a student is told to go find a song that expresses their emotion. IT's always about expressing buried feelings through song on this show; singing is the musical equivalent of pointing to places on those interrogation dolls police use.

Oh look. It's Gwyneth Paltrow. Again. Is this a pilot for a Holly Holiday spin-off or something? Her attempts to be fun are EXHAUSTING me as a viewer. But I digress as it's time for yet another number as Will and Holly get their Prince on. We're still trying to figure out how exactly Ryan Murphy and crew were able to get the Purple One go loosen up his grip on his music to allow for Paltrow and Morrison to falsetto their way through the number while twirling about and tangoing. Got to love all this work being put into numbers that aren't going to be done at Regionals. PREPARATION!

We cut over the Hummel Abode, where Blaine is trying to teach Kurt how to be more sexy. Unfortunately, Kurt is cut from a similar, designer version of the cloth that Emma is made of and freaks out at the mere notion of physicality. This prompts Blaine to go have a heart-to-heart with Burt because Blaine has reverted back to Gay Yoda mode in his characterization. Anyway, the duo talks cars and whatnot while Blaine makes it clear he thinks that Burt should have a talk with Kurt about sex because the only thing that a parent wants to do more than talk to their kid about the ye olde poke and prod but do it because their child's teenage crush has asked them to.

Of course, Brittany and Santana bring down the house with lead vocals on "Landslide." Except they totally didn't as Gwyneth "Goop" Paltrow is all up in the mix, strumming her guitar and taking the lead on the sad tune like she's still filming "Country Song." To counteract her vocals, Santana gives us EMOTIONAL REALNESS while looking at Brittany.

Elsewhere, the Celibacy Club has gained a new member in Puck as they decide to do an celibacy number in the form of "Afternoon Delight." We sort of adore how Dentist Carl gets a WTF look on his face while they are singing this song, as if they haven't at least run through this once before.

The "Afternoon Delight" as an inappropriate song choice was done infinitely better on "Arrested Development."

Over at the Hummel Home, we find Kurt and Burt having a talk about the birds and the bees. Or I guess in Kurt's case, the birds and the birds. Or the bees and the bees. We're not quite sure what the homosexual equivalent is. Anywho, Burt proves to be an awesome dad he is filled with both tons of support as well as gender stereotypes as he imparts some wise words to Kurt about sex. Kurt, for his part, seems appropriately terrified by the whole situation, and we for once are not annoyed by Kurt's existence.

Instead of being sane and going to a sex therapist like any rational person would, Dentist Carl and Emma have decided to take their problems to GUEST STAR GWYNETH PALTROW. A totally reasonable way of dealing with Emma's crippling inability to be physically intimate with her husband, the second man she's married as a diversionary tactic from her feelings for Mr. Schue. Yes, Holly Holiday is the person to go for this, and it goes as well as you think it would as Dentist Carl checks into a hotel and Emma owns her complicated feelings for Will.

Over at the lockers, two teenagers have the most adult conversation in this whole damn episode as Santana offers up her feelings to Brittany; Brittany, for her part, says she's already in a relationship with Artie but would date Santana in a heartbeat if they ever broke up. The scene is one of the more well-written pieces on the show and Naya as Santana acts the hell out of the range of emotions going through the character's head.

In the I CAN'T plot turn, Finn and Quinn are lovely with each other. We're still not quite understanding how forgiving Finn is of Quinn and her whole attempt to saddle him with a baby that wasn't even his at all. But if we were looking for depth in characterization, we'd pick up a Shakespeare play I suppose.

We end the GWYNETH PALTOW VARIETY HOUR with her coming to Will, sort of spilling the beans about Emma having the hots for him and declaring that she wants to be in a relationship. Oh joy. Another episode that will feature Paltrow in the future.

Overall, this episode proved a few things. 1. That the writers can't write heterosexual relationships for crap. 2. You can overdose on Paltrow easily 3. Burt Hummel is the best father on TV since Sandy Cohen was giving sex advice to Seth.

Next week on "Glee," we get Regionals realness as Quinn is a bitch to Rachel, Blaine and Kurt freak out over New Directions having an original song, and we're Sue Sylvester will have some evil plan to destroy the club. Again.

See you next week!

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