Morning Mixtapers! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, SNATCH THE VEIL OFF YOUR FAVORITE edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it's shoving people out of the way to get to the bridal bouquet. If you're reading this now, you very well have been up for hours already, watching coverage of the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. We, on the other hand, have been up all of five minutes so you can see our level of commitment to the grand occasion as the biggest royal wedding since Elton John got hitched is playing out now with mind-blowingly detailed coverage on every major and minor television network is pretty much nil. We've always been team Prince Harry! since he smokes weed and gets caught and then gets amazing headlines in the British press like "Harry Pothead." That, my mixtapers, is entertainment. No matter, we've put together this wedding-infused mixtape to celebrate this media-created sensation. But before we march down the aisle, it's time for us to:
In our first bit of tea, Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber are going to make one funky bunch as they are allegedly teaming up for some basketball film. The only way this could be a worse idea is if M. Night Shyamalan directed. According to the reports, the Mark Wahlberg/Justin Bieber film is going to be a drama (lord) about street basketball (for fuck's sake) and the tone is described as a cross (never a good sign) between "The Color of Money" (Paul Newman just rolled in his grave) and "The Karate Kid" (Ralph Macchio just rolled in his. Wait he's not dead? He's on "Dancing With the Stars"? Well then his career is rolling in its grave).
In other news, Richie Sambora is giving sobriety a bad name as he has fallen off the wagon and back into a rehab. Thankfully, Dr. Drew is nowhere near any of his treatment. The well-coiffed guitar player for Bon Jovi has a long history of seeking treatment for his chemical-dependency issues, having gone to ye olde rehab twice in 2007. Sambora just got off from probation for a DUI incident in 2008. If we had to play "It's My Life" constantly, we might turn to booze as well.
Next, Donald Trump has two stumps at the bottom of his legs as he has, this point, completely put both feet in his mouth and completely devoured them. With the birth certificate of President Obama online, Donald Trump has now switched gears from that to questioning whether President Obama had the grades to get into Harvard. That noise? That's the sound of the entire universe giving Donald Trump the side eye as we all know what you're doing.
Trump was called out about this behavior by CBS reporter Bob Schieffer, who labeled Trump's accusations as racist. Trump denied this, saying, "That is a terrible statement for a newscaster to make. I am the last person that such a thing should be said about. I'm not racist; I'm just a soul-sucking famewhore between bankruptcies of one of my corporations, just looking to get 'The Celebrity Apprentice' renewed for another season." Okay he didn't say the last part, but we could feel it in his eyes.
Now it's time for some wedding realness! Take a slice of the bride and continue reading!
Mixtapers, do you take this mix to be your lawfully-wedded soundtrack for nuptials? Do you promise to love, cherish and, most importantly, link it to your friends? If anybody opposes this union of tunes and pop culture references, comment now or forever hold your fucking peace. Now, let us get our Mixtape on.
Just because we don't give a shit about the royal wedding that happened today doesn't mean we can't exploit it for our own gain like we're the Lifetime network, who made a TV movie about the pairing.
As if Prince William EVER had that thick of hair in his life. That's all we've come away with from that trailer. And we're dying over the "Inspired by true events" tag because if the producers were truly honest, they would've put "Loosely based on tabloid reports, heresay and whatever came to our mind at three in the morning when thought this movie was a totes brill idea."
Anyway, since everybody has been cashing in on the royal wedding, we've decided to make this Mixtape in honor of weddings. So fix that rented tux, figure out your toast for the reception and pick out which member of the wedding party you're going to bang when the whole thing is over with.
We begin this Mixtape with The Platters song "With This Ring."
For William and Kate's sake, we hope things work out a lot better for them than it did for the couple in the classic tune "Band of Gold."
We know that William and Kate put months and months of planning into this wedding. But sometimes, doing stuff on a whim is best. Just look at April and Andy from "Parks and Recreation." After a month of dating, they decided to get hitched in an awesome wedding ceremony filled with dead birds, deadpan weddings vows, and football jerseys.
Thankfully for William, Kate did not come down with any "Runaway Bride"-esque nerves and try to make a dash for it. In honor of those brides who suddenly realize what they may be getting themselves into, our next song is "Getting Married Today" from the Stephen Sondheim musical "Company."
William and Kate got married at Westminster Abbey, a gorgeous church that nobody would probably ever accuse of being the "Chapel of Love."
Kate Middleton is a stunningly attractive woman. This might lead to a lot of trouble as apparently ugly women make better wives according to a center pop song.
We here at the Mixtape have been able to muster up a little bit of give-a-flying-fuck about the ceremony and wish William and Kate well. Below, one of our favorite wedding tunes, "Next Ten Minutes" from the musical "The Last Five Years."
As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE LIZA DOING SINGLE LADIES AT THE GAYEST WEDDING EVAH!