How you clubbin' Mixtapers?! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, serving you NO COVER CHARGE REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it loves the nightlife and has got to boogie.
As you very well know if you read the Mixtape with any sort of frequency, we're slowly but surely building a global empire of bitchery and fierceness that includes our very own Majak Mixtape Lab otherwise known as 2M and of course we can't forget our Majak Market supermarket that provides the tastiest meat and sweetest berries for your heart's content.
But we were thinking, you know, with all of this money we have from getting out of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme when the getting was good, we need to really do something that is almost as glamorous as the delusions in our head. Maybe we should start our own line of shoes? Too Jessica Simpson. Our own perfume collection? Too everybody. Then we settled on the grand idea of combining of love of music and large quantities of alcohol into one thing: our own club. So today we're unveiling our very own dance club extravaganza eleganza. But before we start spinning the tunes and kicking people out for not following our strict dress code, let us:
First up, daytime television will be a lot less bitchslapped-filled come January 2012 as ABC announced yesterday that it is canceling both "All My Children" and "One Life to Live." In a statement, the network pretty much said what we all know, and that's the fact soap operas have been on a steady decline for basically twenty years as audiences and their tastes have changed. So what's going to be replacing these soapy classics? Something called "The Chew," which seems like the worst parody name of "The View" the writers of "Saturday Night Live" never came up with.
In other news, the "Can You Hear Me Now" Verizon pitch guy now is getting even better service now that he's out of the closet. FULL BARS REALNESS. Paul Marcarelli, the actor behind one of the biggest advertising icons ever, sat down with The Alantic to detail all of the crazy things that have happened due to being a part of the whole pitchman business. He even tells a story that is horrifying yet hilarious at the same time that when he attended his grandmother's funeral, a family friend actually said, while the casket was being lowered into the ground, "Can you hear me now." How that family friend didn't end up on top of the casket, we'll never know.
But what is probably going to grab most people's attention is that Marcarelli is gay AND actually encountered some homophobia when neighborhood kids came by his place, shrieking faggot at him. Marcarelli decided not to call the cops in fear of jeopardizing his Verizon contract. That is some fucked-up shit, right? Anyway, after spending nine years of his life devoted to the Test Man character, Marcarelli is now free to explore other pursuits and we hope the only time he has to say "Can you hear me now" is when he's shouting over music at a gay club.
Speaking of semi-notable gays, we're so enthusiastic that we've decided to follow "The A-List: New York" cast member Austin Armacost. Who is he? He is mostly infamous for dating Marc Jacobs for a split second, a little part of his biography that he still dines out on as he recently took to his Twitter and sent Victoria Beckham a ridiculous barrage of messages about how he would just adore her friending him and asking if she remembered that one time she, Beckham, Marc and Austin all hung out with each other. Knowing Victoria Beckham, all of Marc Jacobs' tricks look the same when viewed behind a pair of oversized black sunglasses.
Anygay, Austin A. is apparently in some one-sided Twitter feud with Gretchen Rossi from "The Real Housewives of Orange County." We don't have the slightest idea what Rossi may have allegedly done to Austin A., but whatever it is, it has given forth a ton of tweets that are hilariously scathing in a Burn Book kind of way as it started with this lovely pronouncement on Monday:
This was followed-up with Austin masterfully explaining his disdain for Ms. Rossi with this highly intellectual summation of all of her assorted flaws in a clear and concise argument. Nah, we're just fucking with you.
And just yesterday he blessed Ms. Rossi and the Twit-verse with:
We don't know if Austin A. is actually going to tweet hateful remarks to Gretchen for 30 days, but we do know that he's already aimed his attention also at Sonja from "Real Housewives of New York City" with this lovely message:
And that's just a bit of the tea for today! Put on your dance club best and join us at da club. And remember to werq!
Hey clubbers! Welcome to the hottest spot this side of a nuclear plant in Japan, Club Mixtape. We're located on the corner of Snatched Wig Avenue and I Wish the Fuck You Would Boulevard. It's amazing how cheaply you can buy an old warehouse when they are busily trying to get rid of all the squattors in the place who keep singing about their AZT and some LA VIE BOHEME b.s. Ten thousand musical numbers and police force, we got them out and now we've taken it over to make this place the best dance club ever. As always on our Friday nights, we've got a long line of folks just waiting to get in. They're dressed in their dancing bests. As always, some people need to look up the definition of "bests." LOOKING AT YOU COLLEGE BOYS WITH THE POPPED COLLARS. Sorry, popped collars is the fashion equivalent of the green thing over people's heads in the Sims; it helps us always know where a douchebag is. Anyway, we try to remain fairly exclusive which leads us to our first tune of the Mixtape, Janet Jackson's song "The Velvet Rope" from her album of the same name.
It's one massive club of fine, fresh, fierce, got your ecstacy on lock crowd of hot bodies on the dancefloor as our DJs spin the hottest dance tracks for you. And why do we do that? Because your disco needs you.
We love that Kylie Minogue has somehow managed to become a dance music icon and can BARELY do the locomotion with any sort of finesse. Speaking of people who can barely dance with finesse, Britney Spears has put out the "dance" version of her music video "Til the World Ends." Be prepared to have your money completely blown by some unedited hair-flipping and extended close-ups of her face.
You can't have a Club Mixtape mix without a song that commands us to D.A.N.C.E. so up next is one of our club tracks, Justice and their tune "D.A.N.C.E."
Justice also has a new song out called "Civilization" that is being featured in Adidas ads.
Hey, it's that time of the evening here at Club Mixtape when we play a game of Red Light, Green Light. Everybody get to their sides. Winner gets a free bottle of Stoli. AND LET'S PLAY!
Congratulations Stefon! You are the winner!
Oh look who it is, it's one of our favorite clubbers, Natasha! H-h-hello!
Thanks to Parker Posey, we've routinely said we've left some place because of all the street fashion, particularly the hats.
We know all these hot folks grinding up on each other are making you feel:
But, in the words of one Chances R bartender Brandon, we don't make drinks in your bedroom. Don't fuck in our bar. Again, unless you're fine. Then mosel tov. But we suggest you not coming up and trying your game on people. Grabbing on some girl will get you slapped. And especially, do not, we repeat, do not call them baby.
If you do, we don't hold any responsibility when it becomes "Murder on the Dancefloor" Sophie Ellis-Bextor style.
The magical thing about going out to the club is that you can always escape whatever is going on in your real life. It's like what Ms. Ellis-Bextor has sung, "Heartbreak Make Me a Dancer."
The Sugababes are grateful for your foolishness.
And on that note, it's time for us to hit the dancefloor. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads! NOW BRING ON THE MADONNA MASH-UP!
And if you run into any haters while you're out at the club, just remember: