Happy Monday Gleeks! Welcome to yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE edition of the Gleecap, where we dish the dirt on all the high, the low and some of the totally bum notes that make up your average episode of "Glee." In this installment of the Gleecap, we're taking on New Directions' tribute to the mega-album "Rumours" by the this-is-why-"Behind The Music was created" band Fleetwood Mac. Before we delve into all of Sue's Jane-Lynch-is-under-contract-so-she-should-appear-every-now-and-then shenanigans, the return of human Bratz doll Kristin Chenowith, the bonding that comes from espionage and teenage yellow journalism, let us first remember what happened . . .
We found out that Quinn Fabray used to be a fatty, that Lauren used to compete in beauty pagaeants, that Santana is pretty amazing when it comes to blackmailing people into dating her, that Karofsky is able to pull off a beret while trolling around the hallways with Santana to stop bullying, that St. Kurt is such a special butterfly that the boys from Dalton travel two hours just to sing a Keane goodbye song to him, that Rachel needs some serious therapy to deal with her Finn issues as she almost thinks about getting Quinn nose job and that Emma finally gets some therapy to deal with her crippling OCD. And that's what you missed on the last episode of "Glee." Now get out those vinyl record players, find a mic stand with some scarves attached to it and get ready for some "Rumours" realness in our all new Gleecap. We've got our eye on you.
We kick off this episode of "Glee" with Ms. Brittany S. Pierce and her heretofore unmentioned webshow "Fondue For Two." Brittany, dressed in some god awful jumpsuit monstrosity she must have gotten from Goldfrapp after they finished doing promo for "Rocket," has welcomed perpetually sidelined characters Mercedes and Tina to come sit, have some hot cheese and even hotter gossip discussion as Brittany dishes the dirt about a drunk janitor while Tina wants it to be known all across not only McKinley High but the whole Internet that the stereotype about Asian men being tiny in their, um, eggrolls(?) is completely false. We're sure that Mike Chang's well-established conservative parents are just going to ADORE that one, Tina, and if this show had any sense of plotting this would build towards something. But since this is "Glee," and most characters are basically metaphorical coat racks for the writers to hang one-liners on we know this will lead nowhere.
Anyway, in the midst of all of this chatter and Mercedes discovering a food she actually won't eat, Brittany casually outs Santana as "playing for the other team." Before Tina and Mercedes can fully delve into this, Brittany brings out Lord Tubbington, who promptly gets to eat some of the fondue since a) he only eats people food and b) he's on the Atkins Diet according to Brittany. Why this show passed up the comedy gold of having Lord Tubbington either be a) the camera operator or b) listed as the executive producer of "Fondue For Two" we will never know.
McKinley High School. Rachel Berry, never missing a moment to come off as absolutely desperate, approaches Sam with some Lipchap because, like all other things on this show, one good joke must be flogged repeatedly like it's a masochist at the Folsom Street Fair in San Fransisco. Sam, for his part, takes it all in stride while telling Rachel that he isn't particularly interested in going to prom with her as well as he's not going to prom at all.
Next is a flurry of short scenes because the writers' Adderall never kicks in until mid-episode. First, we have a scene of Will's crazy ex-wife Terri Schuester meeting with makes-Terri-look-like-the-bastion-good-mental-health Sue Sylvester, who is incognito as David Bowie circa Ziggy Stardust. We'll at least give the writers credit for having Sue say in passing how batshit crazy she's so clearly going. Anyway, the ladies have a little chat about how Sue is going to destroy Will Schuester's New Directions by bringing back the school newspaper, The Muckraker, and use it to plant false gossip stories. The Muckraker motto, according to Sue, is "If I heard, it's probably true or something." Oh be honest Sue, you got that from the Fox News mission statement, didn't you? Crazy-pants Terri offers to try to destroy the Glee club from within and get him out of the Glee club.
We cut over to the appearance of functional alcoholic April Rhodes, played by Kristin Chenowith. She's back in Ohio after a disastrous run of her all-White production of "The Wiz." Decent joke which could have been funnier if it had been an all-white musical version of "Raisin in the Sun." Regardless, she's back in Lima, Ohio, and is working on "Cross Rhodes," a musical extravaganza based on her life.
We cut from this scene over to Sue's hench-girl Becky handing out editions of The Muckraker to everybody. Pandemonium ensues as nobody in New Directions remotely has anything resembling critical thinking skills so all of the blind items set off a bevvy of fights as Santana yells at Brittany for putting her on blast on "Fondue For Two." Brittany, in her defense, hilariously says she wasn't outing her since technically Santana once was on the Cheerios and now is part of New Directions so she does play for the other team. We hope that whenever this show ends it turns out that Brittany is secretly a genius who has put on the guise of almost-drooling-idiot as a way to pretty much get away with murder.
Anyway, Finn gets all mad face about a blind item about Sam and Quinn allegedly fooling around with each other, an item that Rachel Berry makes sure to point out to Finn because even she is completely aware at this point that her getting screen time on this show is completely dependent on pining for Frankenteen's peen.
We cut over from the craziness of the New Directions practice room to April Rhodes and Will Schuester drinking their dinner as Will gives April Rhodes the advice that her musical should be about her emotional journey because, you know, no woman is ever allowed to ever get anywhere positive on this show without the input of some dude. April, clearly shitfaced off her wine, refers to Will as a great teacher. Really? The only thing we've learned from Mr. Schuester is that vests are not only clothing but a lifestyle choice.
No matter, Will talks about the damage being done in the glee club by all the rumors and love triangles and shitty writing. Well, he doesn't mention shitty writing, but we felt like it was implied in his eyes. April tells Will that the group has a bad case of the Fleetwood Macs, which sparks Will to do a tribute week assignment about the group's album "Rumours." Which a) Yes, we're sure that devoting a week to the Fleetwood Mac songbook will totally come in handy with Nationals and b) what the hell would Will's lesson plans be without the help of sassy blonde guest stars?
Anyway, we flit over to the glee club room where April Rhodes and Will sing a duet of "Dreams."
After the music number, Artie wheels himself up to Brittany to confront her about whether or not she's been cheating on him with Santana. Brittany dimly offers some of Santana's defenses about how it's not cheating. This does not go over well with Artie, who calls Brittany stupid. Brittany, for her part, gets all sad panda because Artie was, until that moment, the only person in the school not to call her stupid, which somehow is supposed to mean he was incredibly caring instead of horrifically patronizing of all of Brittany's space cadet tendencies. Are we supposed to feel bad about him calling her stupid when she actually IS being stupid? Because we really don't. She can go cry into Lord Tubbington's fur for all we care.
And because this is "Glee," Artie busts out into a rendition of "Never Going Back Again" with that help of a lot of dudes strumming guitars.
We cut over from this scene to Rachel and Finn getting their spy on in front of a motel. Whatever tacit grasp on self-esteem that Rachel once had seems to have completely disappeared because how else can you explain this entire storyline. Anyway, the duo chat with each other until they are abruptly interrupted when the door opens to the motel and Kurt comes out and says goodbye to Finn. Because, as we've mentioned before, nobody has critical thinking skills on this show and everybody makes large leaps in logic like Superman going over a skyscraper, the duo immediately assume that Kurt and Sam are getting it on. Which really? Sam and Kurt? Kurt was BARELY able to snatch somebody out of his lane with Blaine. He'd have to cross several lanes of traffic and a cement median for him to get into Sam's pants.
We find the glee kids sitting around wondering what they know about Sam, which is pretty much next to nothing. It's nice to see that New Directions and the writers of this program are all in the same boat. People start making implications that Sam is potentially bi or gay, which Quinn quickly puts a stop to by saying that Sam is definitely not gay. And then immediately leaves because nothing quite says NOTHING SUSPICIOUS quite like a hasty exit, stage right.
The glee rehearsal room. Santana decides to sing Brittany a song about her feelings because Fleetwood Mac is the soundtrack for lesbians apparently. Maybe? Anyway, Santana sings "Songbird." We're just glad that this show didn't go the cheap lesbian joke of Santana singing "Silver Springs" and making it about their lady business.
Brittany makes Santana promise her to show up to "Fondue For Two" and that she'll ask her out to prom.
We go from here to the hallways of McKinley High. We love how almost nobody is ever in class on this show. Everybody is perpetually en route. Anyway, after seeing that Sam is wearing a coat of Kurt's, because of course Rachel would be insane enough to have a mental catalogue of all of Kurt's ensembles, she goes up to Kurt and tells him that cheating on Blaine is wrong and blah blah blah. Kurt, showing ooodles of restraint, tells Rachel to back the ever loving fuck off. Kurt also says that all this gossiping is really distracting from Nationals. You know what is also distracting from Nationals? Singing a week's worth of Fleetwood Mac songs.
Next up, Rachel and Finn spying on Sam yet again and catch Sam and Quinn sharing a hug. Elsewhere, Brittany proves to be more competent as an interviewer than 90 percent of the panel on "The View."
Mr. Schue leaves the interview to confront Sue about her ten millionth plan to destroy the glee while she volleys back about how he is talented and should go be with April Rhodes on Broadway. He listens to Sue because a) she's actually, by total accident, giving him some good advice and b) because he's the fucking moron who would take advice from his chief adversary.
Next scene. Finn and Quinn have an argument about her showing up to Sam's motel room while Quinn calls out Finn for spending time with Rachel. This naturally leads us into another musical number as they do Fleetwood Mac's "I Don't Want to Know."
After the number, Quinn makes the mandate that Finn and Rachel can't sing together because she doesn't trust Rachel. Rachel, for her part, acts all hilariously indignant at being confronted with, you know, the truth of the matter in terms of her pining for Finn.
Next up, Will and April do a number from her musical "Cross Rhodes." It's no "My Handband," but musical lightning like that never strikes twice.
Of course Emma sneaks in to watch both the performance and mull what exactly has happened to Kristin Chenowith's face.
Elsewhere, Brittany is being stood-up by Santana and ends up interviewing Lord Tubbington while somewhere Mike Chang is wondering how Brittany's cat has gotten more in-depth characterization in one episode than he has in a whole two years. Well aside from the Chang wang.
We cut back over to the school where Emma and Will are having a heart-to-heart about the progress she's making in therapy. You know this is a serious moment because there is a piano playing in the background as Will talks about how he is committed to taking the kids to Nationals but also how much he wants to go with April to New York City with her show.
Next, Rachel, unable to not make herself look clingy, gets up and does a rendition of "Go Your Own Way" with on Finn on the drums because Kurt's being too busy making out with Blaine after school to be the sassy gay friend she so intensely needs right now.
The glee club comes after Sam for his alleged sins, including Puck hilariously getting on his high horse about how both Kurt and Quinn have boyfriends. Didn't stop you from knocking Quinn up did it? Didn't think so.
Next up, a bunch of plot points from the episode get hastily resolved in true Glee fashion. April Rhodes ends up being part of Terri and Sue's master plan to get Will out of the club to the surprise of no one.
Sam is poor. If you didn't this conclusion coming from a mile away, shame on you. TWICE. We'll give Chord Overstreet for giving us some EMOTING REALNESS.
We return to McKinley High where Santana has planted a rumor about all the sex she's having with Karofsky to stave off any rumors that she's got homosexual tendencies. Somebody must have gotten a Disney star's publicist.
We end the episode with Will pledging his allegiance to the united states of New Directions while Sam thanks everybody for all their help with his poverty. Too bad they already shot benefit concert wad earlier this season, isn't it Sam? Anyway, we end on the main stage with the glee kids singing "Don't Stop" while April Rhodes siddles up to Mr. Schue.
This Wednesday, Glee goes to the prom.
Well it be better than our "Gleek Swan"? You'll just have to tune in and see.