This Mixtape Loves Unnecessary Roughness

This week Chris Brown took time out of his busy schedule of being the worst thing to happen Rihanna since she was convinced to sing Mariah Carey’s “Hero” live to allegedly jump hipster R&B star Frank Ocean over a parking space. Brown then took to his Instagram, posted a photo of Jesus on a cross and captioned it, “The way I feel today” because we all remember from Sunday school our Lord and Savior going to Mount Calvary to shed his AutoTune for our sins.

And while Chris Brown may be the most successful douche since Summer’s Eve, we still think there is hope to rehab his image with just two little words: GOSPEL. ALBUM. Ladies and gentlemen, we present you with our proposed Chris Brown gospel album:

And a gospel album is nothing without its soul-stirring tracks:
“I Can Transform Ya (From Water to Wine)”

“Precious Lord, Take My Hand to Anger Management”

“You’ll Never Twerk Alone”

“What a Friend We Have in a Probation Officer”

"His Black Eye is on the Sparrow"

Keep reading as we take on the Super Bowl, RuPaul's Drag Race, Her Royal Winfreyness and so much more in an all-new Mixtape

This weekend is the Super Bowl, which we're pretty sure is also the name of one of Snoop Dogg's kids. Not to be outdone, Animal Planet will have its eighth annual Puppy Bowl, where the winning team wins a lifetime supply of kibble and the losers are skinned and made into coats for the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

Fresh off her lip-sync-tastic performance at President Obama’s inauguration, Beyonce will be performing the Super Bowl half-time show. Beyonce met the press to talk about her performance but decided to kick it off an actually live performance of our National Anthem.

We're not quite sure why Beyonce felt the need to prove she can sing live. We mean, she may have difficulties not ripping off other people's work and occasionally walking down steps but her vocals are never to be doubted.

In honor of this continuing debacle that seems to be a dark spot in Beyonce's otherwise pristine career, we kick off this mixtape with Local Natives' song "Black Spot."

Rumors continue to circulate that there will be a reunion of Destiny’s Child; it all hinges upon whether members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams can get anybody to cover their shifts at Popeye’s that night.

We are sure that Beyonce’s half-time show will be a glorious spectacle but will she be able to match the heights of Up With People getting a stadium of people to sing along to “Michael Row the Boat Ashore” back at Super Bowl XVI?

With the Super Bowl comes the end of the football season but do not be discouraged fans of men in spandex and shoulder pads, this week saw the return of the greatest show ever created, “RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

What this show lacks in quarterbacks and field goals, it more than makes up in wide receivers and feather boas; the only flag being thrown during a Drag Race episode is for improper use of colored contacts (LOOKING AT YOU COCO MONTRESE).
In honor of this, our next song features “Drag Race” competitors Willam and Detox and their drag friend Vicky Vox doing the brilliant “Girl on Fire” parody “Boy is a Bottom.”

Since the queens this season are serving more fish than Long John’s Silver on a Friday night, it was appropriate that the first challenge of the season was an underwater photo shoot which was followed by dumpster diving for material for clothes. Thankfully most of these queens were mighty adept at back alley work.

Sadly annoying Serena Cha Cha was victorious and won the Lip-Sync For Your Life and sent home viewer voted competitor Penny Tration after a tepid performance of “Party in the USA,” proving that a) nobody wants to sit through half-assed Penny Tration and b) Miley Cyrus’ music career continues to destroy lives and crush dreams

Speaking of Miley, her upcoming album is shaping up to an epic musical train wreck as it was announced this week that she was working with Tyler, The Creator as well Mary J. Blige, proving there is something less dignified than belting about a crispy chicken wrap.

Or that end note during the “Star-Spangled Banner”

Hey Mixtaper, have you ever been thinking to yourself, “Gee, I want to buy some medicine but I just can’t find the right spokesperson to put my faith in?”

Well the people at Sambucol have found the ideal pitch person for medicine: a former child star from the 1980s. Who else knows more about drugs and their effectiveness more than former a child star? So it was a natural fit to get Punky Brewster to be the spokeswoman for some over-the-counter cold and flu stuff, right? Right.
You might be saying, “Golly, what does Punky Brewster know about helping people be healthy” and we say, “Shut your fucking mouth you stupid, stupid idiot” because you obviously forgot the time she rescued her friend after the moron played inside of a refrigerator.

Let’s check in on who had an audience with . . .

As a part of her continuing bid to try to get the Titanic that is OWN afloat, Her Royal Winfreyness sat down with Whitney Houston's mother Cissy and Whitney's brother Gary to talk about the deceased pop legend and to plug her new book because clearly Cissy graduated from the Jackson Family School of Exploitation of Dead Music Icons, an offshoot of Everest College.

In a clip below, Cissy charmingly tells us how she wouldn't have been happy if the rumors of Whitney being a lesbian were true.

We're not saying Cissy comes off cold. We're just saying there is probably more warmth from the lit end of a crack pipe.

In honor of this, we present Wavves and their song "Demon to Lean On"

In other Winfrey news, a twitter follower of Oprah's quickly found out that Oprah reads all of her tweets as the follower got a terse response for saying Her Royal Winfreyness looked "old as hell" in the Houston family interview. Don't let the Zen-like aura fool you. Oprah will drag you across the Internet like you wrote "A Million Little Pieces."

And now it’s time to check in with our favorite train wreck, Lindsay Lohan, in a segment we’re calling

This week saw Lindsay Lohan trying to pull a Karen from "Mean Girls" and tell a judge she was too sick to come to court and then promptly was caught by the paparazzi shopping for her life with all those big checks from "The Canyons" and "Million Dollar Decorators."

Lindsay realized that this decision, much like all the ones she's made since probably "Herbie Fully Loaded," was a poor one and got on a plane with chief enabler mother Dina Lohan and got turned away from two Hollywood hotels when she got to California.

You know somewhere Hilary Duff is laughing her ass off about how she's the only one who came out of the Aaron Carter/Lindsay Lohan/Duff love triangle with some semblance of sanity intact.

Speaking of love, this week found Rihanna confirming in "Rolling Stone" something we all already knew. No, we're not talking about how "Battleship" was totally unnecessary. We're talking about Rihanna admitting that she and Chris Brown are back together because clearly neither one of them have sat through "Sid and Nancy" until the end.

In honor of them getting back together, we present Iron and Wine's latest song "Lovers' Revolution."

Lastly, this week saw the series finale of "30 Rock" or as executives at NBC referred to it "The Tracey Morgan Containment Project." The show provided us with many laughs, a lot of them coming from their hilarious musical moments like "Muffin Top" in season one

"Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" in season two

and "Secret Plan" from its final season

We'll miss everything about you "30 Rock." Well except all the storylines about Jack's love life. We won't miss those at all. But the rest, the rest we will miss.

And that concludes this week's Mixtape. As always, we hope you have a good weekend and remember:

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