This Mixtape Was Rebuilt By FEMA

The PT Barnum of dickish attention whoring is at it again, Mixtapers. This week there were reports that Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million for calling him the mixed species son of his mother and an orangutan during an appearance on “Jay Leno.” Maher jokingly said he would pay $5 million to a Trump charity of choice if he could prove he wasn’t an oranguman. Trump provided his birth certificate showing that he is the son of Fred Trump and now wants his money. Weird, who knew that providing your birth certificate wouldn't satisfy some people? Odd, right?

Anyway, this potential lawsuit got us thinking here of all the lawsuits we would love to see clog the legal system. So here is what is on the docket today. And remember:
Paris Hilton sues Kim Kardashian for identity theft.

The girls from "Dance Moms" sue their Mama Roses for emancipation.

J.J. Abrams sues TBS to put a halt on "King of the Geeks" because since he's directed "Star Trek" and now is directing "Star Wars," he now lays permanent claim to that title.

Movie audiences file a class action suit against the film industry for continuing to put Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough in lead roles.

Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams file for sole custody of Destiny's Child choruses. Beyonce counter-sues for dry cleaning bill for her coattails they've been riding on for years.

Continue reading as we take on the Super Bowl, the completely unnecessary return of Fall Out Boy, the Grammys and so much more. Get ready to groove, Dan Humphrey style.

Oh so this is really embarrassing Mixtapers. We were JUST informed before putting together this mix that this past Sunday was not in fact a Muscle Queens for Queen B convention but instead the Super Bowl. We legit thought all the tackling was because somebody brought up Keri Hilson's name.

In honor of the Super Bowl, we kick off this Mixtape with Jagwar Ma's "The Throw."

Beyonce and Blue Ivy’s au pairs Destiny’s Child put on a helmet-snatching extravaganza of a half-time show.

After entertaining some 100 million viewers, what did Beyonce do? Get her publicist to try to scrub the Internet free of any images that were deemed unflattering of the star. 

Really Beyonce,  you want to get rid of a few photos of you mid-performance but you're going to let "Carmen: A Hip Hopera" stand the test of time?

In other music news, get out that guyliner and start styling those asymmetrical bangs former scene kids because Fall Out Boy is making a completely unasked for return to the music scene. 

We're not sure who was begging for a return of the band other than maybe some of Pete Wentz's creditors, but we sort of adore that the band has reformed and has put out a total head-scratcher of a teaser music video inexplicably featuring an appearance from the rapper 2 Chainz.

An unnecessarily wordy title? Check. Hilariously self-involved lyrics? Check.  Pete Wentz peen? Not yet but we're un-ironically holding out hope for it.

Speaking of returns nobody really asked for, this week saw the season two premiere of NBC's "Smash," which should be re-titled "Thud" given the low ratings it got. Who knew that trying to make Katharine McPhee try to happen would be a pointless exercise? Probably anybody who listened to her unfortunate song dedicated to open toe shoes.

At least Debra Messing will have a closet of scarves to keep her warm when this show gets cancelled.

In honor of this unfortunate situation, our next song is Devendra Hart's track "Never Seen Such Good Things Go so Bad," though "Smash" was pretty much crap since mid-season one.

Hey, are you a disgruntled Caucasian person, specifically a former cast member of "Saturday Night Live," who can’t seem to understand why Black people need a whole month for their history AND you need to make some extra cash?

Well do we have a money-making opportunity for you! WHITE TEARS, the newest beverage craze sweeping the nation.

If you get approved, we send you a bottle for you to collect your tears and you ship it to us. We then send those tears to our Beck Limbaugh Facility where your tears will be distilled into delicious drinking water for all to enjoy.

White Tears can be used as a mixer and as well as a lube to soothe the butthurt over Black History Month.

Taste the Privilege
In surprising legal news, the son of "Barney and Friends" creator Sheryl Leach was charged with attempted murder after shooting a man. In other shocking "Barney" news, Baby Bop and that deaf kid are still on the lamb after knocking over several convenience stores over on Sesame Street.

And now it's time for us to dish the local dirt in a new segment we're calling the Townie Tea.

A Boscobel resident was busted after getting off an Amtrak train this week with some $30,000 worth of marajuana. Reuben Dudenhostel, which our Autocorrect keeps wanting to change to Dude Hostel, was caught with some 7.5 pounds of weed. Also confiscated from Dudenhostel were five pounds of Taco Bell and a special edition DVD of "The Big Lebowski."

In other La Crosse news, Central High School will be discontinuing all-girl classes for the 2013-2014 school year after complaints from the ACLU that these classes are unconstitutional. ACLU has decided not to challenge the "virgins-only" debate club because that's just the nature of the beast.

And lastly, La Crosse will be on network television with weekend as "48 Hours" will be profiling the Koulas murder trial this Saturday. Between this and the upcoming Grand River Singers reality show on VH-1, La Crosse is going to be known as the epicenter of both grisly murders and glitter-filled music numbers. Good luck working with that La Crosse tourism board.

And now we present "Adorn" singer Miguel simulating sex on stage. If you have an allergy to second hand embarrassment, we suggest not pressing play at all.

Speaking of thrusting, this week in England steps were being made for that action to be done within the confines of marriage for gay couples as the House of Commons voted to approve of gay marriage. There will be another vote in the House of Commons as well as a vote of the House of Lords. We're still disappointed that House of Commons and House of Lords are not in fact the name of two dueling drag ball houses.

We here at the Mixtape love this because a) love is love and more importantly b) this brings us one step closer to our childhood dream of wedding Robbie Williams.

We here at the Mixtape think not passing the law would be a step backwards. This leads us to our next song, the new tune from James Blake.

This coming Sunday will be the Grammy Awards and will be hosted by LL Cool J who will be breaking out his formal Kangol hat for the occasion we're sure. and CBS has put out a request to all the folks attending to cover themselves up and not expose breasts and booty at the program. Also, they don't want people wearing anything that supports specific organizations because nothing derails an award show quite like a ribbon for heart disease awareness.

The awards will feature performances from the likes of "The A Team" singer Ed Sheeran who will be teaming up with Elton John; John was able to pencil the performance in between rants about Madonna. Frank Ocean will also be performing at the awards if he doesn't get jumped by Chris Brown again while Sting, Bruno Mars and Rihanna will be performing together.  It's the musical threeway we never asked for but the sextape we now know we need in our lives. 

Who will win? Who will lose? Who will Taylor Swift direct "We're Never Ever Getting Back Together" at in the audience? We don't know, but we can't wait to find out this Sunday night.

We end this Mixtape with one of our favorite Grammy performances with Prince and Beyonce tearing it down. 

And that, my Mixtapers, is the end of this week's Mixtape. We hope you have a wonderful weekend and remember:

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